Let me start by stating that I am , by nature, a very kind and giving individual . I have come to wonder, at what point , all that has transpired turns you into the person that you fear and never wished to be …
My father, on his deathbed, asked for my forgiveness because he would punish me relentlessly and he had no idea why . Because mom said so . He did cite a specific event which transpired when I was two years old. I do remember this . We all have snippets of memory tucked away in out subconscious, and I am beginning to fear that mine is overloaded .
I was a very small sized child . My father was six foot four inches and quite strong ( he was a jock, NY State all star Basketball , Golf , Swam 3 miles and back across the Hudson River ..you get my drift ) . He told me that I had done something wrong but he had no idea what and he was to punish me . He told me that he spanked me once as hard as he possibly could . When I showed zero emotion , or tears , he proceeded to hit me 50 (YES FIFTY) times but he had no idea why . He stopped hitting me when he realized what he was doing and recognized the fact , although this punishment on me was fairly violent ..I never shed a tear ..even at the age of two I had learned the lesson that “never let them see you sweat”
Unfortunately, this childhood behavior did lead me into a pattern of abuse ..accepting abuse…expecting abuse ..because I just wasn’t good enough .
I recall many times , spent in a corner. You could get out of the corner if you admitted what you did wrong . Well, I will say most of the time , I had no clue. My brother and I were smacked once for sitting in a puddle and getting our pants wets . We were probably 3 and 5 at that time . Were that my child, I would just change their pants ..just saying
I remember my middle son, pushing a stroller down the driveway and scraping MY car, which was new . His dad kicked a toy across the yard (about 130 feet) and my response was ..A) MY car , which I paid for and B) That is a child , a human being .One item is material and can be replaced ; the other is irreplaceable ( in my opinion) . Choose the direction of your anger wisely .
Children are precious and not replaceable ..Material items..as much as it may cost is innocuous .
I have had two abortions ( one with each spouse..first came with me ..second said do not even let me know (( I actually lost my best friend that day as she accompanied me because he would not )) She did not believe in abortion and neither did I actually but yeah (rock and a hard place ) .
I was asked to abort my second child , at which point we were wed so I gave that a definitive no . I have been told numerous times that my children hate me and that is why they avoid me . I feel like Pavlov’s Dog with the Pavlovian responses .
I have had raw metal shoved up my butt (two weeks before giving birth) . I have been knocked down while pregnant and other times …I have no clue WHY I have , what I will term misguided loyalty to those who have abused me , relentlessly .
The past decade has been essentially , a nightmare . Locked down in survival mode more than half the time , never knowing quite what to anticipate or when . I did recently ask a Psychiatrist if some one who has been abused , above and beyond can become abusive and he replied yes …This is where I fear I am stuck
I am not remotely unkind ,as a person but I do feel that my subconscious is holding quite a bit in ..and now Pandora’s Box has been opened and it is exploding
When my dad begged my forgiveness , of course I gave it to him . I understood where he came from . I am the ultimate observer . That he said I was his favorite child , I was confused . When my mom (who now has dementia ) told me about 5 years ago that I should have had a better life, that I deserved more because I was Kind and Special ..again confusion for I needed this 20+ years ago ..she hated my spouse as he treated me like garbage ( funny that his mother said the same thing )
YOU can be model beautiful (perhaps even pursued for a Playboy Centerfield , you can have a voice like Jenny Lind ..google that young people ) . You can be offered parts on Broadway ..YOu can know how to cook , bake, clean , refinish furniture..are very talented and have a genius IQ but what is lacking is faith in yourself . Please do not make the fatal flaw that I did . Please reach out to me , if you feel as if you are less..I have guided several women from these situations
I have done things that I am not proud of , and are extremely out of my moral character the past few years ..For a decade+ I was in survival mode ..now I don’t care ..Care Please Care