medical, psychological · respect yourself · Uncategorized

Happy Birthday America ..Red Flags Part Deux

First of all..Happy Birthday to the USA ..may we always enjoy the freedom that we do , in comparison to many other cultures due to our forefathers . As I write this Ancestry DNA informs me that I am 70% English / United Kingdom .

Red Flag.

What I wou..when apparently the cashiers at  the local grocery store are more aware of your marital status / relationship than you are (?) Huge Red Flag . All I can think, since I learned of this , if you say the things that you have to what I can assume are pretty much strangers ..what do you say to the people we know??? A friend who will not be identified informed me of this late last week, and I don’t what to think .

Perhaps it is not the best idea to discuss relationships, or anything  else, with your BFF , who has apparently been diagnosed with a severe condition of the mental variety ( His sibling has been committed for life  due to a similar disorder) .

What I would say  as I did to my therapist yesterday ,and what my thought bubble is screaming ) perhaps if you had spent one iota of the time that you did apparently bitching about me to strangers . Had there been any open communication etc ..there may have been a chance .

Moral here : if there is a major lack of communication ..walk on by ..Partners.which I still believe marriage is about should have the capacity to do that openly and honestly …sigh..and my family thinks I am crazy ..Just crazed from attempting to deal with it .

 

d Carl Schlicker #stop&shop

Lifestyle · Uncategorized

Don’t Waste Your Empathy

Do not waste your empathy on a soul, whom you may believe to be troubled or to have possibly suffered a horrific childhood , particularly if they have the tendency to lie (a lot).

It is so ironic to me that that a five year old asked a certain someone a few weeks ago why “they made up so many things and lied so much?” and all I could think was “out of the mouths of babes” because I know one such person and , trust me your empathy is lost , wasted and used against you. Do not fall into the trap that I did . Memories are skewed, especially childhood memories . Things have been said to me recently where I just feel sad and think what the hell, really?

Yesterday, I suffered what I hope will not end up being the “ultimate injury” . Due to spinal cord injuries which are various but the worst ones transpired in 2013 and 2015.  Nice trip ( albeit quite cold) down the shore yesterday . Spouse convinced/ harassed son into taking a certain lane which turned out to be problematic  ( and which makes me contemplate how conditioned we all are to this individual’s suggestions, complaints , jokes,)which come across as jokes ) but they truly are not …It as admitted to me me yesterday morning that this person is a control freak ( as if I were unaware)

I have problems ..major ones ..sitting in cars and traveling , even an hour or so since “an accident” almost three years ago . I did state, as I have stated numerous times , that it might take me a while to be able to walk inside . I stayed within reach of the car, as I always do because I know that my balance is sketchy and my capacity to walk is often limited . Yesterday, said person thought I was falling and grabbed me HARD by the right bicep..I admit, that I started to cry because the pain shot through my arm, shoulders, necks , scapula, clavicle, etc. I should have called the Police then and there ..I was injured and I knew it and this is not a new concept to me.

That same person has been at countless rest stops with me before and never paid attention, so why today..the day preceding your last day of work, which we never decided on as a couple ..IDK isn’t being a couple about partnership and making joint decisions? I thought it was .

I did a trial run and I can’t even drive around the block a few times. I had very limited use of my left arm and now my right arm appears to be shot .. I am so tired of Drs , of injuries and of “accidents” .

Please call the police and file charges ALWAYS . I know how frightening this concept is and encourage anyone to reach out to me but , at the end of the day ..your children may think that you are the most abusive , unloving parent ever ..they may see what is not reality and you are left unable to do a damn thing about your situation because your function has been removed, your mind has been battered…Please do not let yourself arrive at that station

If you believe that you were in a problematic situation before ..you have no idea what lies ahead ..hindsight is 20/20

I am here to help , in whatever capacity that I can

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Follow Your GUT Instinct

I just finished reading a book entitled “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck ” by  Mark Manson.

It was an interesting read and there were many valid points (why sweat the small stuff?) , However I do believe that the author missed the mark ( to his credit ..he did respond to my contact via twitter)

 

Going out on  limb here ..I do not believe that he has ever been a woman who has been a long term victim ( and I completely dislike the  terminology of victim) of Domestic Violence(Physical, verbal, whatever)

 

LADIES ..if your gut instincts are screaming at you that there is a problem…then there likely is . This may become a major problem for you down the road …Do not ever disregard what your gut tells you . I married two men , who abused me..and my gut told me to walk away both times.  LIStening to yourself , unless you have a lot of insane voices talking into your head, at which juncture I suggest that you seek professional help ) Unfortunately , it is rarely those who have major issues who realize that they may , in fact, need guidance 😦

 

Mental Health vs NRA ??? Most individuals with mental disorders do not seek help because they are just fine and everyone else is the problem.

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Patterns and History Repeat

what may disappoint me most about myself is this email that I sent my spouse in 2009 ..some things remain the same ..some things never change …

 

Some things Never Change ..like this sentiment which I was just discussing with our therapist ..I need a major head smack here ..as if I have not always known..NARC’s do not want o change ..their verbiage is consistent ..ideals etc and they can suck you under to the point that you have no idea who you are …and they can brainwash ..and they do other’s ( okay when the concept of brainwashing was addressed to me years ago I was astounded ) …that is like Nazi Germany but my spouse does imagine himself as I quote ” leading the Fourth Reich” If you are not blond haired and blue eyed then you you should be destroyed” I happen to be a brown haired , brown eyed American mix..Ancestory.com tells me that I am 65% United Kingdom

hard to speak to you as you become very overexcited & combative but I have to wonder a few things  such as if you have ever really listened or heard a word that I’ve ever said to  you . Also- re; your tendency to fabricate and make up lies I am beginning to think that  is even more so than I ever imagined in that I am really wondering instead how often you may have actually ever told me the truth. Lies fall so easily off your tongue that I have to consider if you ‘ve lied about serious issues.

As I have stated numerous times in the past and far more so in the recent future it seems that you are very much involved with what it takes to make you happy without taking any of my wants, wishes, needs, into serious consideration. You have been doing your own thing- as you desire- for quite some time now. It seems that I have been rather irrelevant in this relationship. I think that I am deserving better treatment and consideration than I have thus far received, and if this were any type of relationship that was equal things would have been more different- I would have had more of a voice in matters that were of importance. I honestly do not know how you can claim to love me at all the way that you treat me. I think that it is a matter of habit & convenience. I mean you are not amenable to change- you barely change your clothes, except apparently when you go on cruises.If you were fair in your thinking you would need to admit that all major decisons have been yours. I have worked hard all of my life- I have tried to make a lovely home and provide proper meals and guidance to my children. It really is difficult for me to understand how you don’t understand how I have come to my current destination.

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Getting a Lot of Attention on Quora..

I may know a lot about the NARC personality ..I am getting many views on Quora ..been there ..done that ..NARc , not Quora until recently

 

Meanwhile, back at the farm I have had more Etsy sales this week(end) than at any given month since I started in May 2009 so I am trying to keep that going ..meanwhile I am mystified as to how my younger, and more able friends ..appear to have hand trucks that they take to the PO with their daily orders …who me ..surpassing more than 3K views on anything

As an aside, I think you know that I am old . I wanted to possibly slap the patient next to me today (female over 50) who was speaking to another patient in relation to her daughter ..ie you do not need to be anything ..just marry an attorney(????)..The PT assistant informed me that the staff would like to reciprocate my feelings .

I guess another reason that my daughter, who disowned me , can thank me for telling her decades ago that she could be what she wanted to be…that she need not rely on a man to support her

 

Kress Haynes
Kress Haynes, 21 years married to a covert narcissist/sociopath

A person with narcissistic personality disorder can bond. The bond is much like a 3 year old bonds with a toy. The child can enjoy the toy just as much as he or she beats it into pieces with a hammer or is having a tea party as if the toy were it’s best friend . Being a narcissist’s toy is a nightmare you can’t wake up from a horror movie you can turn off. They will get mad at you for what they have done. They will blame you and project all the problems they create onto you just like a child blames a toy breaking under the hammer blows …”stupid toy your no good to me any more your all broken and it’s all your fault” that kind of behavior is expected from a child but when you see it in an adult and your the broken toy it’s shocking and life altering especially if the narcissist is someone you loved and trusted such as a spouse or worse a parent. I could say so much more but that would exceed the scope of the question. Hope this helps.

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To My Granddaughter …Love Always xxxooo Gammi

My dear granddaughter ..as we age our memories grow shorter and many become snippets and snapshots in time . I hope that someday you will look back and remember some one who thought the sun rose and set on you .

From the time you were one and I stayed to watch you for two months , I knew how difficult it would be for me to not see you anymore but the day that you thought I was leaving and you were hysterical crying no mimi no , hyperventilating with your arms outstretched I knew that the bond was shared. How I miss that home on Eagleville where you always crawling after me in search of dates from my trail mix, how we sit outside and watch the cars go by and I would count them for you …where you , who did not like baths at the time, discovered that baths in the sink with a spray hose and measuring cups to create waterfalls could be fun….where you crawled into my lap every night when mommy wasn’t home to go to  sleep ..we would make ladybugs out of paper and blow bubbles. We went for at least two long walks a day and we would stop along the way to inspect various shrubs and bushes, collect pinecones and sometimes throw them in the creek.

As you got older , we threw stone sin the creek when we would go to the park and , because Gammi was disabled, we made up fun games because I could not push you on the swings or throw balls with you so we did a lot of ball rolling and tossing . You would swing and I would toss the ball at your feet and you would have to kick it ..and I would have to go get it .

Throwing balls up the tunnel slides ..sometimes a leaf and sometimes Gammi , or you might come down the slide with the ball …Silly string fights ..always bubbles..makeovers . That taught me not to ever buy a child ice blue lip gloss because I might be the one who ended up wearing it . I loved the pedicure that you gave me when we played beauty salon . When you were little you loved to stay with Gammi …lipgloss, baths, creams and perfumes . I would sing to you until you fell a sleep at night …

So many memories ..so many sleepovers and night time conversations. I could not wait until you were old enough to go shopping with me ..we did ..a few times..to the dollar store and you loved it when I told you could buy all the things that you wanted there ( so long as they were safe and appropriate)

How you would come house hunt with me once, when you and I were both naive to believe I might actually get there and you would say this one Gammi and chose the room that I would decorate for you when you came to visit .

How I would stay with you, and when it was time for me to go home you would take and hide my things ..because you thought if I did not have them I could not leave . How that Tinkerbell nightgown meant so much to you , and your mom said you would not get rid of it . She did not understand it was because you associated that with me . How you told me, a few years ago, that I never had to leave and that I could live there forever with you but I told you sweetheart that that was not my decision to make .

I would always bring you special treats ..you loved dried fruit , soft candies ..sometime you would take licks of the hard candy that I was sucking  ..it was not safe for you to have alone..we did so much together , in such a short time and then you were gone and I was too injured to see you anymore . I think about you every day my best girl ever . In an increasingly bleak world you were the ray of hope and sunshine in my world.

You turned 8 this year and it was the first time that I was not with you on your birthday .

 

I never thought I would lose you like that , my fairy princess …Only one child ever called me Gammi and I loved her more than anything in the word xxxooo…

 

I wish that my granddaughter Lils believed that I was dead , rather than thinking that I would ever abandon her …my mom passed in January . I did not expect to see my grandchildren..they are far away …too far for me to travel ..when that child curled herself into a ball and attached herself to me(???))) It has been several months and I can’t stop crying ..I find it intrinsically sad that there are those who disregard love as the ultimate …IT IS

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You can lose your keys..you can lose your wallet but do not EVER lose your heart or your soul

I have lost my heart…my soul and the essence of my being ..PLEASE DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU!!!

Actually , I have never lost my keys or my wallet ..My spouse dropped his wallet in the road , years ago .  I will never comprehend that ..as the wallet likely weighed 10 pounds ..how do you not feel as if you are dropping  10 poundsRight now I wish I could drop ten pounds . He accused the trash collectors of theft and I still hear about that ..why wait until you are hours away to bring this up?

He waited until we were hours from home to say something to me ..My reply ..perhaps you should have addressed this or called someone sooner??? So we went into a long (years ..forever)  that some one had stolen his wallet ..the garbagemen ..yes, they did pick it up and at the point that they attempted to use credit cards  that was a crime . I believe he had $700 cash in his wallet , which a neighbor and friend stated he would have just lost at the track , so forget it …

Me, fiscally responsible ..I really ( twice in my life brought powerball tickets) I should win because I would help others with those funds ..without a question .

I have lost my life , my sanity , my family due to dealing with ( or attempting to deal with a Narcissist) ..seriously every equation comes down to them you can bend all that you like ..it will Never matter ..they will take your heart , your soul, your mind ..without even a backwards glance..they are paramount ..they are #1 always . Alway ‘ s as this was re-iterated tome again last night . I have spent over 10K in attorney fees(gone)  to get out of this . I believe that I have one child left …

 

I am disabled I have been asking my spouse to please leave for a month , at least . Last night , he said I will leave . I will go on vacation to Myrtle Beach ..Sorry ..my thought was WTF I have not been on a vacation since 1999 ..what a hardship for you really(?) ..I feel horrific guilt that I hate the father of 2/3 of my children …but he has given me no reason to care ..He needs to retire to be my caretaker(?) I have a spinal cord injury caused by him …then why am I cooking large meals at least three times a week..he watches the cooking channel and he has now clue how to make a man thing ..I do not ..I know how to cook ..looking for the tape where he told me that he was fired 2+years ago , due to me ..apparently not the truth …how do you discern fact from fiction when your mindset is honest ..and some one else just is not ..and how genetic is this???

 

Terming me needing? what I need , and have , are sane friends who tell me that men out there would give whatever to have such a giving , non needing person in their life …what you buy into