family · Lifestyle

Broken…Beyond Repair and redemption (?)

Do you realize what it feels like to be entirely broken…mind , body and soul . As much as my nature leans toward empathic, I  have always stated that I knew what something felt like until I stepped , or walked , in someone else’s shoes .

I have been battling severe and complicated spinal cord damage for 12 years .It is difficult to go from being a real go getter …always on the move to the point of ” I have no function” Even those, who should be closest to you seem to not truly understand the extent of damage done . Extensive and major damage was a quote from my neurologist of almost 12 years back in May ..and there were more damages to come.

I guess being hopeful , or optimistic, or hoping that  you have good karma ,,,because you are a good person, who cares about others doesn’t really factor in the grand scheme of things .

I was pretty dragged into a surprise event in NYC the other night . Two years after I requested , that this not transpire again. I have had three new injuries since April 29, 2018.

I keep attempting to go to the gym and Physical therapy but I have had to cancel both a number of times this past month .

Do you know what it is like to have every muscle fiber and every  joint absolutely SCREAMING in pain to the point that you can no longer deal with it?  I am extremely grateful to the security guard at MSG who took me under his wing the other night …

 

Why is it that the person ‘who “cares about you the most ” would you even place in such a situation..10 hours travel , sitting , standing when you are incapable of doing any of those for 10-15 minutes ? I don’t understand that and I will l never claim to . Yes, I did want to see that performer , but was 5 or 6 injuries ago. It seems these days I count every as injury related ..and no one seems to understand the age , the time, the extent of the injuries . The fact , that as much as I try to fight I can no longer recoup …slip sliding away ..

Lost the most important person in my life..the one who gave me hope and joy  almost two years ago . This was due to similar pain and the realization that that individual was out of my grasp due to pain, which was excruciating . It ha snot been recommended for years that I travel as I did …what I did for love…and I will soon be a distant memory to her .

Sometimes you make some one your world and love them because they bring you the only joy that you have known in an otherwise traumatized life . I don’t wish bad Karma on anyone , but it is a  bitch

Sometimes your actions and responses are based on pain, even beyond the pain threshold of someone who has experienced it greatly …or hurt hurt , When you come to the realization that the people who care the most, actually care the least

family · sanity · self preservation · Uncategorized

To My (Former ) Daughter

It is my understanding that you miss your mother ..and that from a pathological liar …IDK who would not miss a “drop and run mom”  who was there for you every step of the way ..who worked her ass off trying to give you every advantage of life …who encouraged you ( when you applied at Alliance ) Why would they not hire you ? You are the best person for the job.

 

I miss the daughter that I had before her marriage , which is eerily similar to mine ( in a somewhat gentler , kinder way ) ..My dear ..you lost your way as I lost mine long ago …history repeats ..

 

People want forgiveness for transgressions that they don’t understand . If they actually picked up a phone and returned a (very ) concerned Drs call, then they might . But moms, be wary . I miss the grandchild that I knew and I know that she misses me too and that is what breaks my heart .

 

SIL has mother issues ..knew that years ago ..but could not even say to me that he was sorry ( so whatever) when my mom passed away . It was my mother …you should have offered your condolences but you ignored that instead . My granddaughter, the one that I know clung to me and it broke my heart. If my daughter had ever responded to a Drs call she might actually realize the reality of the situation  but she could not be bothered ..

 

Maybe you do , and maybe you don”t miss that drop and run mother who would laid down her life for you or any of your children .

 

IDK but  I am in the thought process that if your in laws cared then they would have been there for you when they were ten minutes away . Disabled, I drove hours …too disabled to do anything now ..and you might be aware of that if you ever bothered to pick up the phone and return a call from more than a few Drs concerning your Mother’s Health

 

You are the one who wrote your mother off …now I am facing quadriplegia …I missed the years I may have been a functional part of your lives. Thank you for abandoning me in my time of greatest need..something I would never have done to you. So much for daughters being he one to take care of their aging disabled parents