Tag: children

#motherhood · acceptance · dysfunctional · family · love · Uncategorized

Haunted

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You can be haunted in  , oh so many ways , Domestic Abuse , Mistakes that you made in trying to provide a future for your children when you out and working , way too many hours …27 years of Saturday’s is a small example. I should have been there . Trying to give my children the best I could in life ( the opportunities that I did not have ) I wanted them to have it all and reach for the stars ….How many times did they call me about job advice and I said why would anyone hire anyone but you ?

I always referred to myself as the drop and run mother…my kids needed and there I was , no matter the pain. I recently saw a new PT , who looking at my MRI’s simply stated “your spine is trashed ”  Odd for a 40+ year athlete , So I don’t sleep at night because I am haunted by thoughts . My children have largely removed themselves from my life …..the fault lies on both sides …things said to me over which I have bitten my tongue , numerous times. I have one child and his spouse who are so well suited that it blows me away , because I do not believe that is the norm and I bless them both C&A  for fending each other . YOU are beyond blessed that you found each other

I am haunted by many things , especially my poor choices in life as it is ending ….I have so many flashbacks of being in Norristown , PA …walking and memories surface ..making tea and much the same …lying and watching TV with my granddaughter (Valentine’s Day 2013)  Drove to babysit as I was renting a room and a car just flew in front of me and hit a pole ….I had no response. She laughed at me and said you are not a babysitter , you are my Gammi . I have not seen her in over three years and I know well before that that gifts I gave my grandkids were trashed . Personally, I have every birthday card since I was 7 . People mean a lot to me <3. I am known for my honesty , kindness and for just being sweet .

Pursued 20 years as a model including a Playboy Centerfold I have wed the biggest losers of loser’s abusive…my Drs have reported this ..one should be in prison .

I have made many mistakes in my life . I so wish to get to PA for closure or to move there . Loved my Lils more than anything and she loved me . I never want her to feel hurt and abandoned . I will never forget my daughter Thanksgiving Day telling me that my granddaughter had another grandmother she saw once a year that she loved as much as she loved me , which was a stab to the heart because it was not true. My daughter once stated “We have a mean family” , which perplexed me because I am not known as being mean .

When my mom had her last coherent conversation with me …she said “you deserved better in life because you were the kind and special one ”

what does Kindness , love and specialty earn you ..nada..When my mom passed away two years ago my granddaughter clung to me and said my other grandparents are nothing like you . I live in a world where my heart breaks daily and where I am haunted by memories  that were good …my  Lills . always there when needed even when it was a backward compliment ..Foster child ..we don’t need you but…..

 

Millenial kids pretty much blow it …but for one and Karma has a major way of biting you   in your ass. I still love my children , although 2/3 treat me like I am garbage

 

 

dysfunctional · family · heart beat · Lifestyle · love · medical, psychological · respect yourself · sanity · self preservation · Uncategorized · Valentine's Day

Smile…while your heart is breaking

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One of my favorite songs ..written I believe by Charlie Chaplin and wonderfully , and sincerely, performed by Michael Jackson.

As I age , I find this slightly ironic as it is difficult to smile while your heart is breaking . Mine has been crumbling for many a year . I gave birth to three children, all of whom hate me..mainly my fault ..in part their selfishness , greed , independent spirits (which I believe I did have a large hand in fostering) . As none are speaking to me I gave their father Valentine’s Day to send and he said “This one is blank” . I replied , yea write something” and he responded “I don’t do that ” As if I did not know. I guess that would be the snarky side of me , but hey, if you have been through half of what I have been (not considering  3rd world countries as I know one of my children would take issue with this) . I am a born and bred long time New Yorker .

I think of Valentine’s Day as VD Day (snarky sense of humor) and I have not really ever had a Valentine ..barely even funny ones …I was always the card writer, gift giver but life has made me bitter  and resentful ( hey , I finally qualify for in home care and have been considered legally disabled for years now) . Not quite the way I imagined life. I am hitting 60 and for almost 44 years a gym rat ( or the past few years tried to be recouping) but numerous spinal cord injuries (not my doing) , a broken leg …checking on a broken wrist this week have left me pretty much useless .

ADVICE: Raise one dependent child who might actually be there for you …promises…promises…my son’s will become quite wealthy upon my death…my daughter ..no ..she promised to care for me and abandoned me instead

I currently have two rocking chairs in my home. I have always had at least one . How many times have rocked children to sleep in them ? Countless. I don’t know , perhaps I did not read good stories, or sang off key  for the many many hours I spent performing this with my own children , prior to their birth and thereafter . I remember my MIL yelling at me about that …about not holding my children and I replied ” That’s not really how it works in my world” (Younger pretending to be more confident self) …I clearly recall my aunts singing and rocking me as I was a child and that love carried through  a lifetime . Apparently, not with mine. Perhaps , they are more genetically predisposed to the other side (gasp). I can’t imagine .There is nothing greater in this world than love .

 

Thinking that the last time I even had a cuddle was waking up with my then 7 year old granddaughter . I know that she was  aware that I had neck injuries , but not to the extent that I did ,,,now it is the spinal cord and tributaries …Arms and legs go numb 5 minutes in ..where  sometimes can’t feel a damn thing or stand up. I am grateful for the time that I had with my first granddaughter , and the love of my life…though she will soon forget me. Even though I had many adaptions to make , we did and we had tons of fun …my heart breaks for what we had everyday. I was always there for my children and I would , and still would lay down and die for theirs because that is how great my love is …besides their parents , I am quite doubtful that anyone could have loved them more . They were my life , my joy, my sanity …

 

Sometimes the hand that you are dealt just sucks . I barely have the strength to lift my arms anymore…typo’s galore (which I despise) and I don’t have the strength to go back and fix them. Perhaps things are better as they are because I am not of much use to anyone anymore . I guess my purpose was to be there for others ..but who was there for me?

 

I have done , and said many things that are so out of character for me and it comes from a place of deep pain and hurt..because  would never t purposely hurt anyone. I know trauma, pain and abandonment all too well . I forgive too easily ..maybe there are things I prefer to forget..Best line I have heard this year “When did the abused become the abuser” Telling ???????? My spouse broke my body…my daughter broke my heart

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To My Granddaughter …Love Always xxxooo Gammi

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My dear granddaughter ..as we age our memories grow shorter and many become snippets and snapshots in time . I hope that someday you will look back and remember some one who thought the sun rose and set on you .

From the time you were one and I stayed to watch you for two months , I knew how difficult it would be for me to not see you anymore but the day that you thought I was leaving and you were hysterical crying no mimi no , hyperventilating with your arms outstretched I knew that the bond was shared. How I miss that home on Eagleville where you always crawling after me in search of dates from my trail mix, how we sit outside and watch the cars go by and I would count them for you …where you , who did not like baths at the time, discovered that baths in the sink with a spray hose and measuring cups to create waterfalls could be fun….where you crawled into my lap every night when mommy wasn’t home to go to  sleep ..we would make ladybugs out of paper and blow bubbles. We went for at least two long walks a day and we would stop along the way to inspect various shrubs and bushes, collect pinecones and sometimes throw them in the creek.

As you got older , we threw stone sin the creek when we would go to the park and , because Gammi was disabled, we made up fun games because I could not push you on the swings or throw balls with you so we did a lot of ball rolling and tossing . You would swing and I would toss the ball at your feet and you would have to kick it ..and I would have to go get it .

Throwing balls up the tunnel slides ..sometimes a leaf and sometimes Gammi , or you might come down the slide with the ball …Silly string fights ..always bubbles..makeovers . That taught me not to ever buy a child ice blue lip gloss because I might be the one who ended up wearing it . I loved the pedicure that you gave me when we played beauty salon . When you were little you loved to stay with Gammi …lipgloss, baths, creams and perfumes . I would sing to you until you fell a sleep at night …

So many memories ..so many sleepovers and night time conversations. I could not wait until you were old enough to go shopping with me ..we did ..a few times..to the dollar store and you loved it when I told you could buy all the things that you wanted there ( so long as they were safe and appropriate)

How you would come house hunt with me once, when you and I were both naive to believe I might actually get there and you would say this one Gammi and chose the room that I would decorate for you when you came to visit .

How I would stay with you, and when it was time for me to go home you would take and hide my things ..because you thought if I did not have them I could not leave . How that Tinkerbell nightgown meant so much to you , and your mom said you would not get rid of it . She did not understand it was because you associated that with me . How you told me, a few years ago, that I never had to leave and that I could live there forever with you but I told you sweetheart that that was not my decision to make .

I would always bring you special treats ..you loved dried fruit , soft candies ..sometime you would take licks of the hard candy that I was sucking  ..it was not safe for you to have alone..we did so much together , in such a short time and then you were gone and I was too injured to see you anymore . I think about you every day my best girl ever . In an increasingly bleak world you were the ray of hope and sunshine in my world.

You turned 8 this year and it was the first time that I was not with you on your birthday .

 

I never thought I would lose you like that , my fairy princess …Only one child ever called me Gammi and I loved her more than anything in the word xxxooo…

 

I wish that my granddaughter Lils believed that I was dead , rather than thinking that I would ever abandon her …my mom passed in January . I did not expect to see my grandchildren..they are far away …too far for me to travel ..when that child curled herself into a ball and attached herself to me(???))) It has been several months and I can’t stop crying ..I find it intrinsically sad that there are those who disregard love as the ultimate …IT IS