Christmas · family · Uncategorized

Ghosts of Christmas’ Past

Wow …How do I begin ? Christmas was always my favorite Holiday and I tried to make it magical for my children. One of them used to say “I always knew mom was at it because the Christmas music was blasting” . That was at a time when Mondays were my day off and I was young and energetic. Those days are long gone , as are so many others.

When I was younger , when we moved to NJ , often times there was no money for gifts and I recall the year that I asked for the $1.00 paper cut out dolls from a second hand store …and I got it …along with an orange in my stocking and I was thrilled .


That I recall the year that my grandparents were with us , as was often the case, that my grandmother got a black eye wandering around in the night as she was often prone to do .

The year that I was 7 and (SPOILER ALERT) I realized that there was no Santa Clause because I went to say good night to my grandparents and all the gifts , that would be under the tree the next day, were in their bedroom . In those days gifts were not really wrapped and I was a clever child, after all .

The so many Christmas’ spent in Sleepy Hollow where my grandparents always had cracker barrel cheese and crackers and Trappist Monk wine jellies . I still picture myself there and can feel the joy and love .

When my children were young and I was up at 6am , or earlier , to light the light the fireplace and tree because I wanted to see their faces first thing . I worked a lot…Note to moms ..$$ cannot equate with time although I tried the best with what I had and I still do not think they had a clue how far I went to find just what they wanted.

To my very best Christmas memory, spent on an air bed in an empty dining room , with the person I loved most by my side .


Today , my family is scattered, or non exist ..I am disabled and don’t have a lot of time left . There is no Christmas here today . I am doing housework, or attempting to ..pain and disability have left me unable to sleep for quite some time. Merry Christmas to all and cherish what you have , for you never know when it may disappear .


And if I thought 2016 and 2017 were Bad Years …How life laughs at you

I had great hope for this year .I thought what could be worse than 2016 , 2017 or the past decade of my life .

Goes to prove how wrong you can be. Not even two weeks into the year I lost my mother , whom I had not seen in years , due to injuries that keep piling up and my inability to be of any assistance . The day she died ( guessing that I don’t mince words) it was pouring buckets and my spouse was at a party so he could not leave there to take me to see my mom. Even prior to the more significant injuries this year I could not travel or drive more than a few miles from my home . Injuries inflicted since 2013 have left me incapable of sitting , standing , arm use for extended periods 15-30 minutes .

It bothers me that I was not permitted to have one personal item of my mother’s , which is slightly ironic if you have read previous blogs .

I now sit here waiting for my 4th MRI this year ..and until few weeks ago I thought I had gotten away with one .

This year I have lost further use of my duty ..any arm use or strength due to several more ‘accidental” injuries . I don’t know how someone can be so self absorbed that they don’t think Drs can put one and two together …

I have tried working out ¬†again, dieting to no avail and it is weeks before I actually can see an orthopedist ..I torqued my already damaged left knee doing side lunges the other day so I am bed bound. Thank the powers that be that I finished Christmas shopping prior to that incident . Actually , I have no plans for Christmas so if anyone knows a family of four who would benefit from a bunch let me know . I don’t know why I continue to care about people who don’t care about me . It is far better to give back and help those in need .

And then I saw my granddaughter, love of my life for the first time in a year plus . I wish I had not because that set me back . I was attempting to forget she existed because it broke my heart so much.

Love your children but as a Dr told me many years ago owe them clothing , shelter and love. I believe I scored on all three points even if they don’t recall it a their minds may have been slightly twisted by a twisted person ūüė¶

I have ben here becoming more incapacitated by the moment , incapable of most things, like feeding my self. I cared for many but no one cares for me //Lesson learned

Lifestyle · Uncategorized

Sleep Deprivation…No Joke Folks

I know in this crazy dog eat dog society ( I am from New York..which translates into go go go ) that many get by with few hours of sleep . I did that for 40 years and managed it , I thought , fairly well…Back in the 1990’s Drs that I worked with prescribed me valium to catch sleep . As the mother of three, who often worked two jobs and seven days a week I was pretty toasted at times.

I went to a sleep Dr and had a sleep study back in 2011 , I believe. What I recall about that the most was the room that you were in , which pretty screamed “hospital green “..I was hooked up to all the sleep monitors and jarred at 4:30am with a you can leave now . I asked if I had done anything super embarrassing and was assured that I had not .

Meeting with the sleep Dr afterward I was advised that I was a sleepwalker with narcolepsy. Although , the sleep walking part runs in family I dismissed it as a no way . I was told that I never stopped spasming or moving throughout that period.

Flash Forward to October 2017 where I go back to a sleep Dr . because now I have started  to sleepwalk ( and I have witnessed others doing this and it is pretty freaky, I will admit) . I have done laundry and cooked meals with no recollection of doing such.

The sleep Dr I saw last Halloween was not of much assistance.. She essentially told me to get my sleep act together , which really was not of much help .

Since then i have seen a psychiatrist who has put me on massive doses of melatonin little avail ( it worked for  a bit but not long enough. The sleep Dr had recommended three weeks of a minimum of 7 hours of sleep per night . At the time, I laughed however  I am no longer laughing .

I am not a large person, by any standards , however , what I have been advised to take should knock out a horse . Still no sleep .

I have talked to other Drs in addition to this one and they all agree that after 14 days of the sleep I have been experiencing for years you start to zone out , become incoherent etc . Do ¬†get credit for recognizing this and that it is happening ? ¬†I have often used the terms “stupid tired” or “fall ¬†on my face exhausted”. What rather amazes me is the lack of direction from professionals …Seek the best and do take sleepy lightly, lightly.

family · Lifestyle

Broken…Beyond Repair and redemption (?)

Do you realize what it feels like to be entirely broken…mind , body and soul . As much as my nature leans toward empathic, I ¬†have always stated that I knew what something felt like until I stepped , or walked , in someone else’s shoes .

I have been battling severe and complicated spinal cord damage for 12 years .It is difficult to go from being a real go getter …always on the move to the point of ” I have no function” Even those, who should be closest to you seem to not truly understand the extent of damage done . Extensive and major damage was a quote from my neurologist of almost 12 years back in May ..and there were more damages to come.

I guess being hopeful , or optimistic, or hoping that ¬†you have good karma ,,,because you are a good person, who cares about others doesn’t really factor in the grand scheme of things .

I was pretty dragged into a surprise event in NYC the other night . Two years after I requested , that this not transpire again. I have had three new injuries since April 29, 2018.

I keep attempting to go to the gym and Physical therapy but I have had to cancel both a number of times this past month .

Do you know what it is like to have every muscle fiber and every ¬†joint absolutely SCREAMING in pain to the point that you can no longer deal with it? ¬†I am extremely grateful to the security guard at MSG who took me under his wing the other night …


Why is it that the person ‘who “cares about you the most ” would you even place in such a situation..10 hours travel , sitting , standing when you are incapable of doing any of those for 10-15 minutes ? I don’t understand that and I will l never claim to . Yes, I did want to see that performer , but was 5 or 6 injuries ago. It seems these days I count every as injury related ..and no one seems to understand the age , the time, the extent of the injuries . The fact , that as much as I try to fight I can no longer recoup …slip sliding away ..

Lost the most important person in my life..the one who gave me hope and joy ¬†almost two years ago . This was due to similar pain and the realization that that individual was out of my grasp due to pain, which was excruciating . It ha snot been recommended for years that I travel as I did …what I did for love…and I will soon be a distant memory to her .

Sometimes you make some one your world and love them because they bring you the only joy that you have known in an otherwise traumatized life . I don’t wish bad Karma on anyone , but it is a ¬†bitch

Sometimes your actions and responses are based on pain, even beyond the pain threshold of someone who has experienced it greatly …or hurt hurt , When you come to the realization that the people who care the most, actually care the least

family · Lifestyle · respect yourself · sanity · Uncategorized

Feeding Your Heart and Soul

A steady diet of feeding your heart and soul is just as imperative as feeding your body. Perhaps more so . Anyone who knows me , knows that I have a voracious appetite and I often wonder why .

I don’t think my children realize the extent to which they fed my heart and soul. I could not have loved them. Perhaps I could have loved them better but I was a working mother of three ..sometimes holding down two jobs ..working seven days a week and still trying to fit in motivation , education and time together. It was not easy . My (former ) daughter asked me years ago how I did it and I honestly replied “I don’t know, I just did ” because I wanted the best for them and they are all successful in their own rights . I wanted them to have the lives and opportunities that passed me by and I made that my mission as a mother .

They are all off and on their own July 2009 a baby girl was born with the ear of a fairy , and I was called upon to take care of her for lengths of time , which I never minded , because I adore children, but I adored her most of all because the love was reciprocated . For seven years that child fed my heart and soul and was EVERYTHING to me . She has siblings but I don’t really know them and they don’t know me.

As many may be aware , I have extremely severe medical conditions, the least of which is spinal cord injuries since 2008 , over and over . I spent 11 years in physical therapy ( I just returned after a break) I am a fighter . My Diagnosis in 2006 was eventual quadriplegia ..I also have two bleeding disorders, one of which I found out recently was a ¬†form of hemophilia. That might explain those multiple experiences of hemorrhagic episode and , yet< I was trying to be such a devoted mother that I recall making cupcakes for Valentine’s Day for my daughter’s class….one of my sons on my hips and clenching my legs together due to hemorrhage. There is not much I would not do for them (I draw the line at illegal ..why I left my long time high paying job) .

I have been seeing the same neurologist for almost 12 years ..every 2-3 months since 2006 to monitor my strength and progress , or lack there of . He is one of the top Neurologist’s at a top Hospital in the USA ¬†but his hands are tied . NO epidural injections surgery EMG’s with direct needle sticks into my neck or spine. ¬†I know that he has seen the light dim from my eyes over the years . As he stated to me in May of this year ” So many injuries (accidental , of course ) much extensive damage” . I have fought a long battle with this ..there are days that I am at the gym and I feel like giving up, but I push myself ¬†although my inspiration is gone .

I fought to be there for my fairy princess , and comrade in fun but she is out of reach ¬†and LOL my children never really did speak to my DR ..and he tried to reach one of them …I was injured, more severely three years ago and I have never recovered . In fact , I have had further injuries ,. June 4th of this year ..seems to have affected C1-2 . To state that I am not frightened would be a lie because that is pretty much death

I attempted suicide a year and ¬†a half ago ..February 13, 2017 ..why (?) many may ask ¬†Because I was number 1 in my both my pre-med and US classes ..and had 30 years experience working in the medical field . Because I know how severe my spinal condition is some one who has worked out for 40+ years , I know my body ….I know it was done and that was before two injuries ( not my doing) on April 29 and June 4, 2018 , which made me leery of getting in a car with any other driver..and I am limited . That incident on June 4th seems to have affected the use of my right arm..dominant arm and my left side is severely nerve damaged . However, again , I digress ..Once upon a time my ¬†(former ) ¬†daughter said ” I thought your Drs all hated you” To which I responded ” Where did you ever get that impression?” ¬†When I attempted suicide ( i really think the vodka messed me up as I was never a drinker …empty calories ) the Head of Cardiology at our local Hospital ( which is also not rated as shabby) stayed by my side the entire time that I was in the Emergency Room ¬†( he later told me you knew what the hell you were doing) ..My Dr’s actually hold a great respect for me and what I have been through and endured . Physical condition and strong mind have been credited to my survival , and that is years in the running .

I do not believe that my children will ever truly know what I have endured , and how hard I fought ..because I loved one little girl so much  I would die for her , as I would have died for them ..She was taken from me and no one realizes how severely disabled I am ( at least  not my family ) Drs have made attempts to reach out for years to little avail

if you really knew me , I may be one of the most loving selfless people you may ever know ..but I am uber tolerant and gullible and easily discarded appears ..and all the while I begged ..Hurt me ..I know a lifetime of it ..but please do not hurt a child …ignored granddaughter is better off believing that I am dead , rather than the fact that I may have abandoned, or no longer love her?

When you lose the capacity to enjoy any hobbies..when you are in pain 24/7 for years..when you sleep deprived due to that you do begin to give up . Music can feed my soul but that is off limits as well, unless I am driving ..the few that I can . Without heart and should food you will wither away



The Day The Music Died

Contrary to the Don McClean hit Single “American Pie” , and coincidentally I learned in the past few years that one of my relatives was his Godmother , Fun family fact. The Music died for me on July 26, 1986.

I was raised in a very musical family . In fact , close relatives managed, and performed at the original Metropolitan House in Manhattan, NY. The Victrola was used frequently. As soon as I was able I bought myself a stereo, which I listened to constantly , through head phones . I own sever al hundred + albums, cassettes and Dvd’s but I am limited in my use of them .

LOL, if my children recall me blasting music and singing, with them, on Friday nights, when we were alone. Also the night we built volcanoes and diaroma;s on the kitchen floor and danced in circles …Doubtful

I grew up with music. I was our churches youth soloist. I was offered a part on Broadway ( no self confidence) so I did not go there .

Much in demand I regret not singing for Aunt and Uncle’s Wedding . The song was “Morning is Broken” by Cat Stevens. I regret my mother’s request that I sing Danny Boy for my father’s funeral in 1995 .

What much , or most of my family, did not realize was that after I was wed I was not permitted to play music in my own home ..because it was noise. Actually, today I was informed that I could play a CD while someone was out of the house tending to a cat . Sometimes, I drive, within my new limitations, 2-3 miles …just to listen to Cd’s in my car .


Red Flags Folks . I do believe that all of my children have an appreciation of music . I don’t think they realize from whence it came ¬†Hell I even came to love a rap CD that my son left in my 2003 Crv ¬†(best car ever) …before it became his ……..


Okay well, I am off and listening to a CD which I have not heard for 30 years ..just ordered it and permitted to play while I am alone …

family · sanity · self preservation · Uncategorized

To My (Former ) Daughter

It is my understanding that you miss your mother ..and that from a pathological liar …IDK who would not miss a “drop and run mom” ¬†who was there for you every step of the way ..who worked her ass off trying to give you every advantage of life …who encouraged you ( when you applied at Alliance ) Why would they not hire you ? You are the best person for the job.


I miss the daughter that I had before her marriage , which is eerily similar to mine ( in a somewhat gentler , kinder way ) ..My dear lost your way as I lost mine long ago …history repeats ..


People want forgiveness for transgressions that they don’t understand . If they actually picked up a phone and returned a (very ) concerned Drs call, then they might . But moms, be wary . I miss the grandchild that I knew and I know that she misses me too and that is what breaks my heart .


SIL has mother issues ..knew that years ago ..but could not even say to me that he was sorry ( so whatever) when my mom passed away . It was my mother …you should have offered your condolences but you ignored that instead . My granddaughter, the one that I know clung to me and it broke my heart. If my daughter had ever responded to a Drs call she might actually realize the reality of the situation ¬†but she could not be bothered ..


Maybe you do , and maybe you don”t miss that drop and run mother who would laid down her life for you or any of your children .


IDK but ¬†I am in the thought process that if your in laws cared then they would have been there for you when they were ten minutes away . Disabled, I drove hours …too disabled to do anything now ..and you might be aware of that if you ever bothered to pick up the phone and return a call from more than a few Drs concerning your Mother’s Health


You are the one who wrote your mother off …now I am facing quadriplegia …I missed the years I may have been a functional part of your lives. Thank you for abandoning me in my time of greatest need..something I would never have done to you. So much for daughters being he one to take care of their aging disabled parents

medical, psychological · respect yourself · Uncategorized

Happy Birthday America ..Red Flags Part Deux

First of all..Happy Birthday to the USA ..may we always enjoy the freedom that we do , in comparison to many other cultures due to our forefathers . As I write this Ancestry DNA informs me that I am 70% English / United Kingdom .

Red Flag.

What I wou..when apparently the cashiers at ¬†the local grocery store are more aware of your marital status / relationship than you are (?) Huge Red Flag . All I can think, since I learned of this , if you say the things that you have to what I can assume are pretty much strangers ..what do you say to the people we know??? A friend who will not be identified informed me of this late last week, and I don’t what to think .

Perhaps it is not the best idea to discuss relationships, or anything  else, with your BFF , who has apparently been diagnosed with a severe condition of the mental variety ( His sibling has been committed for life  due to a similar disorder) .

What I would say  as I did to my therapist yesterday ,and what my thought bubble is screaming ) perhaps if you had spent one iota of the time that you did apparently bitching about me to strangers . Had there been any open communication etc ..there may have been a chance .

Moral here : if there is a major lack of communication ..walk on by ..Partners.which I still believe marriage is about should have the capacity to do that openly and honestly …sigh..and my family thinks I am crazy ..Just crazed from attempting to deal with it .


d Carl Schlicker #stop&shop

medical, psychological · respect yourself · sanity · self preservation

Red Flags

As I have mentioned , or referenced earlier, there are many red flags to watch for ..or just listen to your gut because it does not lie, unlike many you may encounter in a lifetime I age I realize that many sayings that we blow off, myself included, have merit .

Trust your gut is number one ..if you meet some one and the “pick up line ” has your thought bubble immediately responding to “what a jerk”…odds are he is likely a jerk

When you meet someone , who has actively dated your sister for years ( although according to him, they never really did) and he grabs your ass in a bar , while on a date with your sister ..who might wish to question why sister did not speak to me for two years ..I told her introducing me was payback in spades .

When you are informed ” I could have purchased that , now worth 500K home for 80K , but I was worried that I would not have enough beer money ..proceed to the exit ..quickly

When you move in with someone, in a committed relationship, yet they still barhop at least 3-4 nights a week without you ..not a positive sign

When you make impromptu home stops at your SO home , during business hours ,and they are asleep , during the day due to the aforementioned bar hopping …bad sign

When they say ” Have you ever seen a match burn twice?” and you reply “”that’s not possible ¬†and they proceed to light a match , blow it out and then stick it on your hand. You may be thinking WTF??? I was , at the time, but that abbreviation was non-existent at the time . Gentleman would put the hot match on his own hand. A true gentleman would not even think of doing that .

When you are asked “Why can’t your eyes be blue?” I happen to love my brown eyes and so apparently does Van Morrison . I never asked “Why don’t you have ¬†a six pack” because I did . Exercise has been a vital part of my life for 44 years. If someone believes that you are “less than” don’t buy what they are selling . Do not put yourself on the clearance rack

When your mother in law ( not the warmest , or kindest ¬†person, informs you that “he had the nicest girlfriend for five years but he treated her like Garbage..ordering her about etc ..RUN

When your father advises you that ” you are being led down the garden path” you may not know what that means but trust your dad on that

When their mother, who was as cold as Leo DiCapriono ended up at the end of Titanic) tells you that he dated a very nice girl for many years , but expected her to be a servant and wait on him..DON’T

When you pregnant with their child and they hit you ..Done. When they do that and their stands by with a smirk..double done…that is pretty twisted

Signs of gambling or alcohol addiction ? Not getting better . When your first impression is ” I don’t date alcoholics” trust yourself

When you are expected to do the “lion’s share of work” , bring in the income, take care of the house , the children when you sometimes work 7 days a week ..that is tough ¬† me on that one and you will never regret it . If you question yourself and what you have to offer please contact me.

I desire nothing more to help others

If there is anything questionable involving the Police

If you are injured..Call the Police on the spot

If there is a temper …there will always be . You do not need that as you age..your blood pressure will double .

Any ACT which you are uncomfortable with , or is intended to degrade you …twisted minds should seek like ..”.normal ” people should look for like individuals . Do not let anyone make your perform actions to “stay safe” . Take action and make sure that you are safe


Ultimately, if you are not wise and ¬†the trusting sort was actually mentioned to me recently that I was gullible and which I responded ” Seems to have worked out well for you “. You can lose all that you value and cherish ..Do not let Happen to you ..I did ¬†and as I stated to a therapist the other day ” When I was teenager dreaming of my future I could never have phathomed the nightmare that my life would become”


Lifestyle · Uncategorized

Don’t Waste Your Empathy

Do not waste your empathy on a soul, whom you may believe to be troubled or to have possibly suffered a horrific childhood , particularly if they have the tendency to lie (a lot).

It is so ironic to me that that a five year old asked a certain someone a few weeks ago why “they made up so many things and lied so much?” and all I could think was “out of the mouths of babes” because I know one such person and , trust me your empathy is lost , wasted and used against you. Do not fall into the trap that I did . Memories are skewed, especially childhood memories . Things have been said to me recently where I just feel sad and think what the hell, really?

Yesterday, I suffered what I hope will not end up being the “ultimate injury” . Due to spinal cord injuries which are various but the worst ones transpired in 2013 and 2015. ¬†Nice trip ( albeit quite cold) down the shore yesterday . Spouse convinced/ harassed son into taking a certain lane which turned out to be problematic ¬†( and which makes me contemplate how conditioned we all are to this individual’s suggestions, complaints , jokes,)which come across as jokes ) but they truly are not …It as admitted to me me yesterday morning that this person is a control freak ( as if I were unaware)

I have problems ..major ones ..sitting in cars and traveling , even an hour or so since “an accident” almost three years ago . I did state, as I have stated numerous times , that it might take me a while to be able to walk inside . I stayed within reach of the car, as I always do because I know that my balance is sketchy and my capacity to walk is often limited . Yesterday, said person thought I was falling and grabbed me HARD by the right bicep..I admit, that I started to cry because the pain shot through my arm, shoulders, necks , scapula, clavicle, etc. I should have called the Police then and there ..I was injured and I knew it and this is not a new concept to me.

That same person has been at countless rest stops with me before and never paid attention, so why today..the day preceding your last day of work, which we never decided on as a couple ..IDK isn’t being a couple about partnership and making joint decisions? I thought it was .

I did a trial run and I can’t even drive around the block a few times. I had very limited use of my left arm and now my right arm appears to be shot .. I am so tired of Drs , of injuries and of “accidents” .

Please call the police and file charges ALWAYS . I know how frightening this concept is and encourage anyone to reach out to me but , at the end of the day ..your children may think that you are the most abusive , unloving parent ever ..they may see what is not reality and you are left unable to do a damn thing about your situation because your function has been removed, your mind has been battered…Please do not let yourself arrive at that station

If you believe that you were in a problematic situation before have no idea what lies ahead ..hindsight is 20/20

I am here to help , in whatever capacity that I can