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You can lose your keys..you can lose your wallet but do not EVER lose your heart or your soul

I have lost my heart…my soul and the essence of my being ..PLEASE DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU!!!

Actually , I have never lost my keys or my wallet ..My spouse dropped his wallet in the road , years ago .  I will never comprehend that ..as the wallet likely weighed 10 pounds ..how do you not feel as if you are dropping  10 poundsRight now I wish I could drop ten pounds . He accused the trash collectors of theft and I still hear about that ..why wait until you are hours away to bring this up?

He waited until we were hours from home to say something to me ..My reply ..perhaps you should have addressed this or called someone sooner??? So we went into a long (years ..forever)  that some one had stolen his wallet ..the garbagemen ..yes, they did pick it up and at the point that they attempted to use credit cards  that was a crime . I believe he had $700 cash in his wallet , which a neighbor and friend stated he would have just lost at the track , so forget it …

Me, fiscally responsible ..I really ( twice in my life brought powerball tickets) I should win because I would help others with those funds ..without a question .

I have lost my life , my sanity , my family due to dealing with ( or attempting to deal with a Narcissist) ..seriously every equation comes down to them you can bend all that you like ..it will Never matter ..they will take your heart , your soul, your mind ..without even a backwards glance..they are paramount ..they are #1 always . Alway ‘ s as this was re-iterated tome again last night . I have spent over 10K in attorney fees(gone)  to get out of this . I believe that I have one child left …

 

I am disabled I have been asking my spouse to please leave for a month , at least . Last night , he said I will leave . I will go on vacation to Myrtle Beach ..Sorry ..my thought was WTF I have not been on a vacation since 1999 ..what a hardship for you really(?) ..I feel horrific guilt that I hate the father of 2/3 of my children …but he has given me no reason to care ..He needs to retire to be my caretaker(?) I have a spinal cord injury caused by him …then why am I cooking large meals at least three times a week..he watches the cooking channel and he has now clue how to make a man thing ..I do not ..I know how to cook ..looking for the tape where he told me that he was fired 2+years ago , due to me ..apparently not the truth …how do you discern fact from fiction when your mindset is honest ..and some one else just is not ..and how genetic is this???

 

Terming me needing? what I need , and have , are sane friends who tell me that men out there would give whatever to have such a giving , non needing person in their life …what you buy into

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Narcs ..not narcotics ..Narcissit’s

Axl Salvator
Axl Salvator, M.S Doctor & Physical Therapy, Emory University (2017)

Listen to me carefully mate,never ever try to humiliate a NPD mark my words,you are a normal individual and you have Empathy,they have 0 Empathy they will take the things to the most extreme that you will be basically mind fucked how cruel they can be,if you feel’t for him on the stages of Idealize you connected to him with Empathy you won’t take anything to the extreme.

They have child like emotional lvl’’If a random 2 yo child approaches you and slaps you on the face can you tell the child that he hurt your feelings or tell him what he did it was wrong,he even won’t understand you neither care,basically when you humiliate a NPD they will be the cruelest fucks on earth,it is like Humiliating the devil himself.

When i called my girl friend on her lies after she hoovered i shared everything with her on idealize phase and i told her if you lie to me once more i will expose you she goes like this’’Oh wow at least i have my whole family,it must have been really difficult for you to watch your dad die in front of your eyes,he was a pathetic dog anyways he deserved to die,and you are alone a fail doctor who has no one in life just his money’’

That’s the best example i can give you,i mean would you go this far be this cruel to anyone?This shows you how immature they are,they have 0 Empathy they wont even care about the dmg caused even doe they are sure what they are doing.

The best humiliation you can provide to a NPD is to stop bothering your mind with him/her and keep moving forward,just ignore him that would cause them Narcissistic Injuries since he/she has been neglected his/her whole life from his/her parents,so they put up a show to charm as much people as possible with lies manipulations etc so they can feed them supplies basically validating their existence importance etc because they feel the void emptiness they know deep down inside how worthless they are and how shit.

Close the doors trust me you don’t need to get on contact with him/her the best humiliation you can give him/her is when he/she hoovers just ignore them that kills them from inside you won’t be able to humiliate him/her with words,to be able to beat the devil in his game with his rules in his place you have to not play the game at all

Peace Up !

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when you are always …less than anything

I was a very shy and quiet child . I was mortified in High School when my 176 classmates nominated me as the quietest person in the class…. no beauty hair, eyes or smile although I believe I had all three going for me

My older..by 18months sister was the social butterfly ..I always considered myself to be a wallflower . I still do …

I don’t know if shy and quiet people are more tolerant than their counterparts …it may also be that those who are kindhearted and trusting may suffer the same defect ( dislike using that term …right now I cannot conjure another)

Do we set ourselves up to be used and abused?

I was attempting to set up a new computer today …under a bit of duress. The problem is , that although I am half head of household  I am not listed on or privy to any accounts. I learned this in spades a few months ago , when I I called verizon and they informed me that I had no rights to my phone number . I am not on the account ( I do always inherit my sons old phones, which is fine with me so long as they work )

I have been so conditioned to I own nothing, I deserve nothing ..I have contributed Nothing ..although realistically ..this could not be more false …How many times recently have I heard from my spouse I need to retire to take care of you ??? Okay first, you need to exhibit some qualities of a caretaker ..and no ..NOT..

I have been exhausted lately . If I have slept 20 nights this calendar year , I would be surprised. I am constantly working on techniques to try to sleep ..I feel like I am in a pretty much zombie fall over dead state .

As I digress, I  cannot set up my new computer because I do not know the WiFi code and I am not on the account to inquire ..Calling Optimum this afternoon , they asked me to check the router ..what is it (no clue?) ..I had to go into a room which I do not even enter .Attempted to turn the light on but grabbed the fan chain instead and then when I pulled the light switch it snapped off in my hand …Let us disregard that I bought and paid for that damn fan myself . I absolutely panicked ..and this may be why my Drs are telling me I will drop dead from stress. i am so conditioned ..IT IS SICK…

 

I never know if someone is going to scream outside my door at 7am ( this has happened more times than I care to admit ) that they could not sleep  because I went to the bathroom , brushed my teeth , washed my hands and they could not sleep . I have brushed my teeth in the kitchen sink  while tiptoeing . I made arrangements long ago to relieve myself at night without leaving my room . Common sense and rational thought tell me that I am a grown woman with rights ..like the right to brush my teeth, run water , go to the bathroom in what is supposed to be my own home but that is just not the way it has been for a very long time .

Unfortunately , for me , I am disabled and I can’t run for the hills as I wish I could. If I could I would be out of here in a New York minute . I do not have anyone to assist me ..those bridges were burned . I have wasted more than half my life being abused and treated as if I was less than to the point that , years ago , I would try to joke ..world peace , racism , guns..all my fault ..what isn’t?  WHAT IS NOT MY FAULT? At physical therapy on Monday, heaven help me ..I stated ” Wow an angry 64 year old white male???I don’t know anything about that ..as if

PLEASE contact me if you have no faith in yourself or if someone has beaten you down so badly that you do not see any light at the end of the tunnel . I will help you ..been there ..done that ..

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month

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The Strangest Thing A Guest has ever done in your home

This is completely ,and unabashedly stolen, from a Quora forum. For me, this was an absolute no -brainer , which prompted me to respond .

Although it transpired over 29 years ago I can easily state that the oddest thing a “guest ” has done in my home was taking a nap in my bed , unknown to me ( I had a perfectly good, and comfy guest room) .

Working mom of then two children with a small home . I generally had three parties for each of my children due to the , aforementioned , small home and large families on both sides .If the weather permitted I could get away with one large one.

My son’s first birthday party ..hosting the in-law party and I noticed that “a guest” was missing . When I inquired regarding his whereabouts it was relayed to me that he was napping in my bed because he was tired from camping on the ground all night ( he had not showered or changed clothes in the interim) . I had a perfectly fine guest room with a large bed upstairs , which he bypassed. I admit , I am a bit of a clean freak due to numerous sinus infections, allergies, drug interactions etc so I was upset by the fact that someone would even engage in such behavior , without saying a word, asking ..crazy other things that may have polite and warranted .

I cannot even fathom doing this. I have taken a nap on my mother’s bed ..she was there with me and my granddaughter’s bed . I would never go into someone’s bedroom and sleep in their bed, especially if I was dirty

 

What do you think?

Moral here : Breeding shows …so does an absolute lack of class

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The Day The Gammi Died

Gammi , who was born July 30, 2009 died an untimely and unexpected death on December 26, 2016 . There is no person/area of my life that I cherished more than this . My granddaughter was my heart and soul and my ray of sunshine, in an otherwise increasingly bleak world , to phrase that kindly. Ironically ,also my favorite Holiday .  I am uncertain how I feel about this day going forwards this was my worst Christmas ever . Ironically, Part Deux was the best Christmas that I recall being spent on my air mattress in an unfurnished dining room at the same location in PA ..Warm and fuzzy feelings abound thinking about that year .

Ironic, that most deaths in my family have occurred either on a family member’s birthday or very near a Holiday . This is why I am suspect around Valentine’s as my great grandmother ( and the person for whom I was named died on that date). I am quite superstitious …she passed away some where between the ages of 52 and 58 so as I figure it I have one more Valentine’s day to get through before my curse is broken …People by my name barely surpass the age of 60 , in my family .

 

Perhaps one should not base their degree of happiness on the love and joy and that  she brought to my world( and I do believe that I brought to her as well ) . I would lay down and die for that little girl . I could not love anyone more ..and I do believe that feeling was reciprocated based on our conversations. I did have two subsequent (former ) grandchildren and I did my best not to get close to them, not to love them as much because I knew that my heart would be broken ..and that was due to someone else issues and not mine . I have been through much in my life but nothing has devastated me more than the loss of this child, whose first diaper I changed . I am apparently easily disposable.

My former daughter said that she always knew when the Christmas decor was going up as she would return home from school and Christmas music would be blasting as made Christmas magic start to appear . This was generally on a Monday ..my day off DSCF3503.JPG

Lifestyle · medical, psychological · Uncategorized

Psych ward (don’t knock it if you have not tried it)

Back in February ..February 13th to be exact , I attempted suicide and then thought better of it . I will not tell you the gory details as my cardiologist told me in the ER “You knew what you were doing”…

 

This is a point in my life where I have serious injuries and disabilities . I am on an amount of medication, which is more than I am comfortable with . I spent Christmas with my former daughter and grandchildren ( she disowned me the day after Christmas ..so Happy New year to me) …Christmas Night I was asked to babysit 5 children. I was in agony and I will say I may blame my former therapist , who said to me your level of pain is extremely apparent and your children had no idea??? Okay maybe they do not have an idea , or they just did not care …mom is there for whatever . I begged off early the day after Christmas. Driving home , as passenger I was in such excruciating pain that all I wanted to do was open the car door and roll out onto the Turnpike . It was along ride .

 

Upon arriving home, I made an epic faux pas…I got on Social Media and tagged my co -laws and I received a text from my former daughter addressed with the verbiage What the Fuck ( I have never addressed my parents in this manner . Spouse immediately informed me that I was disowned ( which has transpired before due to her mercurial moods and my former SIL’s desire to be loved by his parent’s) as if I do not have enough problems of my own..trust me ..I do ..so on that day Drop and Run Mom Died . My only , and biggest regret is my oldest granddaughter , who was quite close to me ..despite by daughter stating ..she has a grandmother she sees once a year who means as much to her …what a jerk, really , but she cheated on her spouse so what do you expect ?

 

So finally in February, I came to the conclusion that my body was toasted ..no repair in sight ..my former daughter was ripping my heart out by moving to Florida , where she was very aware that I would not see my grandchildren anymore … after all that I have been through …This broke me ..finally ..I was never permitted to see my grandchildren to the family pet ..too hazardous(?)  More on that later , but I am not the one who abused those children ..I pray for my granddaughter every day even though I am not quite that religious .

 

On February 13th I mixed pills with Vodka ( the first time I have ever had hard alcohol ..I have never had a shot ..jello shot’s etc) I did do a trial run the day prior. I never expected to feel so odd and therefore I pulled myself back (no gory details) and called 911 . I was in the local hospital for 3 days under suicide watch . I must have amused my watcher’s as they eventually stopped following me 24/7 and left me alone ..when I left they gave me clothing , hugs , kisses..always told the next shift..”nothing wrong with her , you will laugh for the next 8 hours”

So then I was being committed to a psych ward and I have never had anything beyond two parking tickets 40 years ago so yes ..quite out of my element .

 

What was interesting , after my initial panic and blood pressure elevating to 200/100 were the people that I came into contact with…from the staff ..to the patient’s

Initially , I was terrified but that was mainly as my spouse informed me that my children thought that I should be committed for life , and that I had no control over the situation . Bless my youngest , for offering to fly out immediately , and for contacting the staff before I even arrived.

So after I “got over ” the initial body/cavity search and my first group meetings I actually had a great time . I was able to see and speak to others for the first time in a long time.

Spent much time speaking to the staff , quite a few of whom pulled me aside with such comments as “Why are you here” . ” I thought you an employee in training . I was shocked to learn you were a patient ” ” Hugs and Kisses , love you smart ass and God Speed”.

From the patient point of view ..I made a number of friends . My background is medical and caring, so again the staff applauded me for how much time I spent catering to other’s needs. How kind and friendly I was …etc etc

 

When I initially arrived , I was floored , and hence the massive uptake in BP when I realized that others actually do hear voices in their head which direct them. I had in depth relationships and conversations with these people diagnosed as being bipolar ,a s my daughter had given me the same Diagnosis ( she has no professional skills in that arena) . But me being me , I wanted to know . I can assure you that I am not bipolar .

Towards the end of my journey , an extremely affable young male came in . We were playing scrabble and afterwards I asked him ” what he was in for ?” He had numerous cuts on his body , most noticeable on his arms and I joked “Fight with a Tiger?” to which he responded ” I cut myself and hurt myself because I am inclined to hurt the people that I love and I would rather hurt myself” What do you say to that , really? All I stated was ” I give you much credit for realizing that you have an anger issue ( he had admitted this ) and that he was addressing it rather than putting those he loved in danger” I wonder how he made out ..

 

me ..not committed for life ..not even close ..walked out with the same dx that I walked in with ..severe anxiety ..PTSD 😦

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Domestic Violence Is Not A Joke

domestic Violence (DV) is not a joke , although many may perceive it that way . This is due , in part to the Government not being vigilant about this topic ..Please read the following article and follow up on the topic of a battered woman . and what becomes of them </ahttps://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Domestic_violence#Intimate_partner_violence_types

 

I can inform you with a certainty that I am not the same person that I was 35 years ago , never mind 15 years ago …Being terrified whittles away at your heart and your brain ..

 

Am I allowed to brush my teeth, wash my hands, go to the bathroom , start the coffee as I am not sleeping at all ? Well , the answer relies on the current mood of the individual that you are dealing with …how many times have I been chastised and screamed at for the above infarctions? I can’t give you the answer to that ..when you do not feel remotely comfortable in your own home ..when you have reached out to a multitude of friends, family and Government agencies to no avail ..when you are disabled, yet attempting to take a photo of a squirrel who is digging out a potted plant because YOU have been accused of doing ( although it is not something that you would do )

When you don’t know that someone will be screaming at your door for ANY of the above ..When the phone ringing , lights popping out ..have your heart rate thumping , never mind screaming and yelling from your abuser ..enough to kill you . Please reach out to me if you are a victim . I hate to think of myself as a victim ..and you may as well ..but if your Government won’t assist you you can rest assured that I will offer you a haven and resources