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when you are always …less than anything

I was a very shy and quiet child . I was mortified in High School when my 176 classmates nominated me as the quietest person in the class…. no beauty hair, eyes or smile although I believe I had all three going for me

My older..by 18months sister was the social butterfly ..I always considered myself to be a wallflower . I still do …

I don’t know if shy and quiet people are more tolerant than their counterparts …it may also be that those who are kindhearted and trusting may suffer the same defect ( dislike using that term …right now I cannot conjure another)

Do we set ourselves up to be used and abused?

I was attempting to set up a new computer today …under a bit of duress. The problem is , that although I am half head of household  I am not listed on or privy to any accounts. I learned this in spades a few months ago , when I I called verizon and they informed me that I had no rights to my phone number . I am not on the account ( I do always inherit my sons old phones, which is fine with me so long as they work )

I have been so conditioned to I own nothing, I deserve nothing ..I have contributed Nothing ..although realistically ..this could not be more false …How many times recently have I heard from my spouse I need to retire to take care of you ??? Okay first, you need to exhibit some qualities of a caretaker ..and no ..NOT..

I have been exhausted lately . If I have slept 20 nights this calendar year , I would be surprised. I am constantly working on techniques to try to sleep ..I feel like I am in a pretty much zombie fall over dead state .

As I digress, I  cannot set up my new computer because I do not know the WiFi code and I am not on the account to inquire ..Calling Optimum this afternoon , they asked me to check the router ..what is it (no clue?) ..I had to go into a room which I do not even enter .Attempted to turn the light on but grabbed the fan chain instead and then when I pulled the light switch it snapped off in my hand …Let us disregard that I bought and paid for that damn fan myself . I absolutely panicked ..and this may be why my Drs are telling me I will drop dead from stress. i am so conditioned ..IT IS SICK…

 

I never know if someone is going to scream outside my door at 7am ( this has happened more times than I care to admit ) that they could not sleep  because I went to the bathroom , brushed my teeth , washed my hands and they could not sleep . I have brushed my teeth in the kitchen sink  while tiptoeing . I made arrangements long ago to relieve myself at night without leaving my room . Common sense and rational thought tell me that I am a grown woman with rights ..like the right to brush my teeth, run water , go to the bathroom in what is supposed to be my own home but that is just not the way it has been for a very long time .

Unfortunately , for me , I am disabled and I can’t run for the hills as I wish I could. If I could I would be out of here in a New York minute . I do not have anyone to assist me ..those bridges were burned . I have wasted more than half my life being abused and treated as if I was less than to the point that , years ago , I would try to joke ..world peace , racism , guns..all my fault ..what isn’t?  WHAT IS NOT MY FAULT? At physical therapy on Monday, heaven help me ..I stated ” Wow an angry 64 year old white male???I don’t know anything about that ..as if

PLEASE contact me if you have no faith in yourself or if someone has beaten you down so badly that you do not see any light at the end of the tunnel . I will help you ..been there ..done that ..

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month

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The Strangest Thing A Guest has ever done in your home

This is completely ,and unabashedly stolen, from a Quora forum. For me, this was an absolute no -brainer , which prompted me to respond .

Although it transpired over 29 years ago I can easily state that the oddest thing a “guest ” has done in my home was taking a nap in my bed , unknown to me ( I had a perfectly good, and comfy guest room) .

Working mom of then two children with a small home . I generally had three parties for each of my children due to the , aforementioned , small home and large families on both sides .If the weather permitted I could get away with one large one.

My son’s first birthday party ..hosting the in-law party and I noticed that “a guest” was missing . When I inquired regarding his whereabouts it was relayed to me that he was napping in my bed because he was tired from camping on the ground all night ( he had not showered or changed clothes in the interim) . I had a perfectly fine guest room with a large bed upstairs , which he bypassed. I admit , I am a bit of a clean freak due to numerous sinus infections, allergies, drug interactions etc so I was upset by the fact that someone would even engage in such behavior , without saying a word, asking ..crazy other things that may have polite and warranted .

I cannot even fathom doing this. I have taken a nap on my mother’s bed ..she was there with me and my granddaughter’s bed . I would never go into someone’s bedroom and sleep in their bed, especially if I was dirty

 

What do you think?

Moral here : Breeding shows …so does an absolute lack of class

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The Day The Gammi Died

Gammi , who was born July 30, 2009 died an untimely and unexpected death on December 26, 2016 . There is no person/area of my life that I cherished more than this . My granddaughter was my heart and soul and my ray of sunshine, in an otherwise increasingly bleak world , to phrase that kindly. Ironically ,also my favorite Holiday .  I am uncertain how I feel about this day going forwards this was my worst Christmas ever . Ironically, Part Deux was the best Christmas that I recall being spent on my air mattress in an unfurnished dining room at the same location in PA ..Warm and fuzzy feelings abound thinking about that year .

Ironic, that most deaths in my family have occurred either on a family member’s birthday or very near a Holiday . This is why I am suspect around Valentine’s as my great grandmother ( and the person for whom I was named died on that date). I am quite superstitious …she passed away some where between the ages of 52 and 58 so as I figure it I have one more Valentine’s day to get through before my curse is broken …People by my name barely surpass the age of 60 , in my family .

 

Perhaps one should not base their degree of happiness on the love and joy and that  she brought to my world( and I do believe that I brought to her as well ) . I would lay down and die for that little girl . I could not love anyone more ..and I do believe that feeling was reciprocated based on our conversations. I did have two subsequent (former ) grandchildren and I did my best not to get close to them, not to love them as much because I knew that my heart would be broken ..and that was due to someone else issues and not mine . I have been through much in my life but nothing has devastated me more than the loss of this child, whose first diaper I changed . I am apparently easily disposable.

My former daughter said that she always knew when the Christmas decor was going up as she would return home from school and Christmas music would be blasting as made Christmas magic start to appear . This was generally on a Monday ..my day off DSCF3503.JPG

Lifestyle · medical, psychological · Uncategorized

Psych ward (don’t knock it if you have not tried it)

Back in February ..February 13th to be exact , I attempted suicide and then thought better of it . I will not tell you the gory details as my cardiologist told me in the ER “You knew what you were doing”…

 

This is a point in my life where I have serious injuries and disabilities . I am on an amount of medication, which is more than I am comfortable with . I spent Christmas with my former daughter and grandchildren ( she disowned me the day after Christmas ..so Happy New year to me) …Christmas Night I was asked to babysit 5 children. I was in agony and I will say I may blame my former therapist , who said to me your level of pain is extremely apparent and your children had no idea??? Okay maybe they do not have an idea , or they just did not care …mom is there for whatever . I begged off early the day after Christmas. Driving home , as passenger I was in such excruciating pain that all I wanted to do was open the car door and roll out onto the Turnpike . It was along ride .

 

Upon arriving home, I made an epic faux pas…I got on Social Media and tagged my co -laws and I received a text from my former daughter addressed with the verbiage What the Fuck ( I have never addressed my parents in this manner . Spouse immediately informed me that I was disowned ( which has transpired before due to her mercurial moods and my former SIL’s desire to be loved by his parent’s) as if I do not have enough problems of my own..trust me ..I do ..so on that day Drop and Run Mom Died . My only , and biggest regret is my oldest granddaughter , who was quite close to me ..despite by daughter stating ..she has a grandmother she sees once a year who means as much to her …what a jerk, really , but she cheated on her spouse so what do you expect ?

 

So finally in February, I came to the conclusion that my body was toasted ..no repair in sight ..my former daughter was ripping my heart out by moving to Florida , where she was very aware that I would not see my grandchildren anymore … after all that I have been through …This broke me ..finally ..I was never permitted to see my grandchildren to the family pet ..too hazardous(?)  More on that later , but I am not the one who abused those children ..I pray for my granddaughter every day even though I am not quite that religious .

 

On February 13th I mixed pills with Vodka ( the first time I have ever had hard alcohol ..I have never had a shot ..jello shot’s etc) I did do a trial run the day prior. I never expected to feel so odd and therefore I pulled myself back (no gory details) and called 911 . I was in the local hospital for 3 days under suicide watch . I must have amused my watcher’s as they eventually stopped following me 24/7 and left me alone ..when I left they gave me clothing , hugs , kisses..always told the next shift..”nothing wrong with her , you will laugh for the next 8 hours”

So then I was being committed to a psych ward and I have never had anything beyond two parking tickets 40 years ago so yes ..quite out of my element .

 

What was interesting , after my initial panic and blood pressure elevating to 200/100 were the people that I came into contact with…from the staff ..to the patient’s

Initially , I was terrified but that was mainly as my spouse informed me that my children thought that I should be committed for life , and that I had no control over the situation . Bless my youngest , for offering to fly out immediately , and for contacting the staff before I even arrived.

So after I “got over ” the initial body/cavity search and my first group meetings I actually had a great time . I was able to see and speak to others for the first time in a long time.

Spent much time speaking to the staff , quite a few of whom pulled me aside with such comments as “Why are you here” . ” I thought you an employee in training . I was shocked to learn you were a patient ” ” Hugs and Kisses , love you smart ass and God Speed”.

From the patient point of view ..I made a number of friends . My background is medical and caring, so again the staff applauded me for how much time I spent catering to other’s needs. How kind and friendly I was …etc etc

 

When I initially arrived , I was floored , and hence the massive uptake in BP when I realized that others actually do hear voices in their head which direct them. I had in depth relationships and conversations with these people diagnosed as being bipolar ,a s my daughter had given me the same Diagnosis ( she has no professional skills in that arena) . But me being me , I wanted to know . I can assure you that I am not bipolar .

Towards the end of my journey , an extremely affable young male came in . We were playing scrabble and afterwards I asked him ” what he was in for ?” He had numerous cuts on his body , most noticeable on his arms and I joked “Fight with a Tiger?” to which he responded ” I cut myself and hurt myself because I am inclined to hurt the people that I love and I would rather hurt myself” What do you say to that , really? All I stated was ” I give you much credit for realizing that you have an anger issue ( he had admitted this ) and that he was addressing it rather than putting those he loved in danger” I wonder how he made out ..

 

me ..not committed for life ..not even close ..walked out with the same dx that I walked in with ..severe anxiety ..PTSD 😦

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Domestic Violence Is Not A Joke

domestic Violence (DV) is not a joke , although many may perceive it that way . This is due , in part to the Government not being vigilant about this topic ..Please read the following article and follow up on the topic of a battered woman . and what becomes of them </ahttps://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Domestic_violence#Intimate_partner_violence_types

 

I can inform you with a certainty that I am not the same person that I was 35 years ago , never mind 15 years ago …Being terrified whittles away at your heart and your brain ..

 

Am I allowed to brush my teeth, wash my hands, go to the bathroom , start the coffee as I am not sleeping at all ? Well , the answer relies on the current mood of the individual that you are dealing with …how many times have I been chastised and screamed at for the above infarctions? I can’t give you the answer to that ..when you do not feel remotely comfortable in your own home ..when you have reached out to a multitude of friends, family and Government agencies to no avail ..when you are disabled, yet attempting to take a photo of a squirrel who is digging out a potted plant because YOU have been accused of doing ( although it is not something that you would do )

When you don’t know that someone will be screaming at your door for ANY of the above ..When the phone ringing , lights popping out ..have your heart rate thumping , never mind screaming and yelling from your abuser ..enough to kill you . Please reach out to me if you are a victim . I hate to think of myself as a victim ..and you may as well ..but if your Government won’t assist you you can rest assured that I will offer you a haven and resources

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September 11, 2001

fullsizeoutput_15a1I will never forget September 11, 2001 . It was a Tuesday morning . I was on my way to work thinking about my son’s birthday, which would be the following day, as well as the busy day ahead. Shortly before 9am EST  the radio announcer stated that a plane had flown into the World Trade Center, which was alarming  in and of it’s own merit , however , this was swiftly followed by  a second news report that another plane had flown into the second tower .

I rushed into the office and turned on my employers television  where I was horrified by the images that I saw. As the rest of the staff filtered in we all watched absolutely transfixed by the events unfolding  in front of us .

I will insert here that I do reside  in the NYC area and that later that morning as the towers fell we stood out on the main street where the sky was full of ash , smoke and scent. Gray skies indeed.

This was a day of great panic as I had a child in school in PA where another plane had gone down. At that time, I was not familiar with the proximity of that location to where my child was . I had friends and family working at the Pentagon and in the WTC.  My uncle was a NYC firefighter , out on disability from work related injuries at that time. I have to admit that I prayed he would not feel the obligation to go into Manhattan that day.

All the entire staff wanted to do was go home, as the majority of us were mothers and it was a place and time where  we wanted to be with our families, because that day none of us were aware of what exactly was transpiring. There was pandemonium , in general.

I think about my Muslim co -worker and the guts she must have had to tough it out that . I give her a great deal of credit . We reside in a very white and often judgmental area and I know that she was subjected to looks and comments based solely on where she came from .

I told our employer that no patients would show up that day ( we generally saw about 40 people on a Tuesday )  and I was relatively certain that dental appointments would not be forefront in anyone’s mind.  We had one patient show up that day , and she was a mother whose son was a first responder . She just wanted to be with other people . We ended up being at work until 7pm that night .

There were many people in our area who perished that day, including several of our patients .There were many others who would be affected . Months later, a patient was speaking to me ( I am the type of person that people feel they can open up and tell me any and everything …and you can) about how he worked across the street and how he witnessed many people jumping to their death out of the WTC. These images were etched in his mind and it was evident that the trauma was deep inside of him .  Although I would that job of 20+ years in 2004 I still think about that man every year on this date and wonder if he is okay.

I don’t believe that many of us will ever forget the images, the fear or the uncertainty of that day. We all changed forever in many ways. There was a void in the skyline and in our hearts but New Yorker’s are resilient and strong

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For Better or For Worse ..or for PTSD?

Yes, PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) . the same affliction that my cousin was diagnosed with after being shot down over Vietnam , having his guts torn out , and receiving a Purple Heart Medal .

You can get this disease from marriage, if you are not cautious ..if you are too kind to step back and away when you know you should have ..when you believe that people can change (they rarely do) …

 

I will be writing a post at a future date regarding red flags and that you should avoid them , at all costs , because it may cost you all that you know.

 

You cannot be locked up and terrorized ,for over a decade ,without suffering some permanent affects…

If only the children understood ..yes ladies you may find them gravitating towards your abuser ..life is rarely fair