Patterns and History Repeat

what may disappoint me most about myself is this email that I sent my spouse in 2009 ..some things remain the same ..some things never change …


Some things Never Change ..like this sentiment which I was just discussing with our therapist ..I need a major head smack here ..as if I have not always known..NARC’s do not want o change ..their verbiage is consistent ..ideals etc and they can suck you under to the point that you have no idea who you are …and they can brainwash ..and they do other’s ( okay when the concept of brainwashing was addressed to me years ago I was astounded ) …that is like Nazi Germany but my spouse does imagine himself as I quote ” leading the Fourth Reich” If you are not blond haired and blue eyed then you you should be destroyed” I happen to be a brown haired , brown eyed American mix..Ancestory.com tells me that I am 65% United Kingdom

hard to speak to you as you become very overexcited & combative but I have to wonder a few things  such as if you have ever really listened or heard a word that I’ve ever said to  you . Also- re; your tendency to fabricate and make up lies I am beginning to think that  is even more so than I ever imagined in that I am really wondering instead how often you may have actually ever told me the truth. Lies fall so easily off your tongue that I have to consider if you ‘ve lied about serious issues.

As I have stated numerous times in the past and far more so in the recent future it seems that you are very much involved with what it takes to make you happy without taking any of my wants, wishes, needs, into serious consideration. You have been doing your own thing- as you desire- for quite some time now. It seems that I have been rather irrelevant in this relationship. I think that I am deserving better treatment and consideration than I have thus far received, and if this were any type of relationship that was equal things would have been more different- I would have had more of a voice in matters that were of importance. I honestly do not know how you can claim to love me at all the way that you treat me. I think that it is a matter of habit & convenience. I mean you are not amenable to change- you barely change your clothes, except apparently when you go on cruises.If you were fair in your thinking you would need to admit that all major decisons have been yours. I have worked hard all of my life- I have tried to make a lovely home and provide proper meals and guidance to my children. It really is difficult for me to understand how you don’t understand how I have come to my current destination.


Getting a Lot of Attention on Quora..

I may know a lot about the NARC personality ..I am getting many views on Quora ..been there ..done that ..NARc , not Quora until recently


Meanwhile, back at the farm I have had more Etsy sales this week(end) than at any given month since I started in May 2009 so I am trying to keep that going ..meanwhile I am mystified as to how my younger, and more able friends ..appear to have hand trucks that they take to the PO with their daily orders …who me ..surpassing more than 3K views on anything

As an aside, I think you know that I am old . I wanted to possibly slap the patient next to me today (female over 50) who was speaking to another patient in relation to her daughter ..ie you do not need to be anything ..just marry an attorney(????)..The PT assistant informed me that the staff would like to reciprocate my feelings .

I guess another reason that my daughter, who disowned me , can thank me for telling her decades ago that she could be what she wanted to be…that she need not rely on a man to support her


Kress Haynes
Kress Haynes, 21 years married to a covert narcissist/sociopath

A person with narcissistic personality disorder can bond. The bond is much like a 3 year old bonds with a toy. The child can enjoy the toy just as much as he or she beats it into pieces with a hammer or is having a tea party as if the toy were it’s best friend . Being a narcissist’s toy is a nightmare you can’t wake up from a horror movie you can turn off. They will get mad at you for what they have done. They will blame you and project all the problems they create onto you just like a child blames a toy breaking under the hammer blows …”stupid toy your no good to me any more your all broken and it’s all your fault” that kind of behavior is expected from a child but when you see it in an adult and your the broken toy it’s shocking and life altering especially if the narcissist is someone you loved and trusted such as a spouse or worse a parent. I could say so much more but that would exceed the scope of the question. Hope this helps.


To My Granddaughter …Love Always xxxooo Gammi

My dear granddaughter ..as we age our memories grow shorter and many become snippets and snapshots in time . I hope that someday you will look back and remember some one who thought the sun rose and set on you .

From the time you were one and I stayed to watch you for two months , I knew how difficult it would be for me to not see you anymore but the day that you thought I was leaving and you were hysterical crying no mimi no , hyperventilating with your arms outstretched I knew that the bond was shared. How I miss that home on Eagleville where you always crawling after me in search of dates from my trail mix, how we sit outside and watch the cars go by and I would count them for you …where you , who did not like baths at the time, discovered that baths in the sink with a spray hose and measuring cups to create waterfalls could be fun….where you crawled into my lap every night when mommy wasn’t home to go to  sleep ..we would make ladybugs out of paper and blow bubbles. We went for at least two long walks a day and we would stop along the way to inspect various shrubs and bushes, collect pinecones and sometimes throw them in the creek.

As you got older , we threw stone sin the creek when we would go to the park and , because Gammi was disabled, we made up fun games because I could not push you on the swings or throw balls with you so we did a lot of ball rolling and tossing . You would swing and I would toss the ball at your feet and you would have to kick it ..and I would have to go get it .

Throwing balls up the tunnel slides ..sometimes a leaf and sometimes Gammi , or you might come down the slide with the ball …Silly string fights ..always bubbles..makeovers . That taught me not to ever buy a child ice blue lip gloss because I might be the one who ended up wearing it . I loved the pedicure that you gave me when we played beauty salon . When you were little you loved to stay with Gammi …lipgloss, baths, creams and perfumes . I would sing to you until you fell a sleep at night …

So many memories ..so many sleepovers and night time conversations. I could not wait until you were old enough to go shopping with me ..we did ..a few times..to the dollar store and you loved it when I told you could buy all the things that you wanted there ( so long as they were safe and appropriate)

How you would come house hunt with me once, when you and I were both naive to believe I might actually get there and you would say this one Gammi and chose the room that I would decorate for you when you came to visit .

How I would stay with you, and when it was time for me to go home you would take and hide my things ..because you thought if I did not have them I could not leave . How that Tinkerbell nightgown meant so much to you , and your mom said you would not get rid of it . She did not understand it was because you associated that with me . How you told me, a few years ago, that I never had to leave and that I could live there forever with you but I told you sweetheart that that was not my decision to make .

I would always bring you special treats ..you loved dried fruit , soft candies ..sometime you would take licks of the hard candy that I was sucking  ..it was not safe for you to have alone..we did so much together , in such a short time and then you were gone and I was too injured to see you anymore . I think about you every day my best girl ever . In an increasingly bleak world you were the ray of hope and sunshine in my world.

You turned 8 this year and it was the first time that I was not with you on your birthday .


I never thought I would lose you like that , my fairy princess …Only one child ever called me Gammi and I loved her more than anything in the word xxxooo…


I wish that my granddaughter Lils believed that I was dead , rather than thinking that I would ever abandon her …my mom passed in January . I did not expect to see my grandchildren..they are far away …too far for me to travel ..when that child curled herself into a ball and attached herself to me(???))) It has been several months and I can’t stop crying ..I find it intrinsically sad that there are those who disregard love as the ultimate …IT IS


You can lose your keys..you can lose your wallet but do not EVER lose your heart or your soul

I have lost my heart…my soul and the essence of my being ..PLEASE DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU!!!

Actually , I have never lost my keys or my wallet ..My spouse dropped his wallet in the road , years ago .  I will never comprehend that ..as the wallet likely weighed 10 pounds ..how do you not feel as if you are dropping  10 poundsRight now I wish I could drop ten pounds . He accused the trash collectors of theft and I still hear about that ..why wait until you are hours away to bring this up?

He waited until we were hours from home to say something to me ..My reply ..perhaps you should have addressed this or called someone sooner??? So we went into a long (years ..forever)  that some one had stolen his wallet ..the garbagemen ..yes, they did pick it up and at the point that they attempted to use credit cards  that was a crime . I believe he had $700 cash in his wallet , which a neighbor and friend stated he would have just lost at the track , so forget it …

Me, fiscally responsible ..I really ( twice in my life brought powerball tickets) I should win because I would help others with those funds ..without a question .

I have lost my life , my sanity , my family due to dealing with ( or attempting to deal with a Narcissist) ..seriously every equation comes down to them you can bend all that you like ..it will Never matter ..they will take your heart , your soul, your mind ..without even a backwards glance..they are paramount ..they are #1 always . Alway ‘ s as this was re-iterated tome again last night . I have spent over 10K in attorney fees(gone)  to get out of this . I believe that I have one child left …


I am disabled I have been asking my spouse to please leave for a month , at least . Last night , he said I will leave . I will go on vacation to Myrtle Beach ..Sorry ..my thought was WTF I have not been on a vacation since 1999 ..what a hardship for you really(?) ..I feel horrific guilt that I hate the father of 2/3 of my children …but he has given me no reason to care ..He needs to retire to be my caretaker(?) I have a spinal cord injury caused by him …then why am I cooking large meals at least three times a week..he watches the cooking channel and he has now clue how to make a man thing ..I do not ..I know how to cook ..looking for the tape where he told me that he was fired 2+years ago , due to me ..apparently not the truth …how do you discern fact from fiction when your mindset is honest ..and some one else just is not ..and how genetic is this???


Terming me needing? what I need , and have , are sane friends who tell me that men out there would give whatever to have such a giving , non needing person in their life …what you buy into


Narcs ..not narcotics ..Narcissit’s

Axl Salvator
Axl Salvator, M.S Doctor & Physical Therapy, Emory University (2017)

Listen to me carefully mate,never ever try to humiliate a NPD mark my words,you are a normal individual and you have Empathy,they have 0 Empathy they will take the things to the most extreme that you will be basically mind fucked how cruel they can be,if you feel’t for him on the stages of Idealize you connected to him with Empathy you won’t take anything to the extreme.

They have child like emotional lvl’’If a random 2 yo child approaches you and slaps you on the face can you tell the child that he hurt your feelings or tell him what he did it was wrong,he even won’t understand you neither care,basically when you humiliate a NPD they will be the cruelest fucks on earth,it is like Humiliating the devil himself.

When i called my girl friend on her lies after she hoovered i shared everything with her on idealize phase and i told her if you lie to me once more i will expose you she goes like this’’Oh wow at least i have my whole family,it must have been really difficult for you to watch your dad die in front of your eyes,he was a pathetic dog anyways he deserved to die,and you are alone a fail doctor who has no one in life just his money’’

That’s the best example i can give you,i mean would you go this far be this cruel to anyone?This shows you how immature they are,they have 0 Empathy they wont even care about the dmg caused even doe they are sure what they are doing.

The best humiliation you can provide to a NPD is to stop bothering your mind with him/her and keep moving forward,just ignore him that would cause them Narcissistic Injuries since he/she has been neglected his/her whole life from his/her parents,so they put up a show to charm as much people as possible with lies manipulations etc so they can feed them supplies basically validating their existence importance etc because they feel the void emptiness they know deep down inside how worthless they are and how shit.

Close the doors trust me you don’t need to get on contact with him/her the best humiliation you can give him/her is when he/she hoovers just ignore them that kills them from inside you won’t be able to humiliate him/her with words,to be able to beat the devil in his game with his rules in his place you have to not play the game at all

Peace Up !


when you are always …less than anything

I was a very shy and quiet child . I was mortified in High School when my 176 classmates nominated me as the quietest person in the class…. no beauty hair, eyes or smile although I believe I had all three going for me

My older..by 18months sister was the social butterfly ..I always considered myself to be a wallflower . I still do …

I don’t know if shy and quiet people are more tolerant than their counterparts …it may also be that those who are kindhearted and trusting may suffer the same defect ( dislike using that term …right now I cannot conjure another)

Do we set ourselves up to be used and abused?

I was attempting to set up a new computer today …under a bit of duress. The problem is , that although I am half head of household  I am not listed on or privy to any accounts. I learned this in spades a few months ago , when I I called verizon and they informed me that I had no rights to my phone number . I am not on the account ( I do always inherit my sons old phones, which is fine with me so long as they work )

I have been so conditioned to I own nothing, I deserve nothing ..I have contributed Nothing ..although realistically ..this could not be more false …How many times recently have I heard from my spouse I need to retire to take care of you ??? Okay first, you need to exhibit some qualities of a caretaker ..and no ..NOT..

I have been exhausted lately . If I have slept 20 nights this calendar year , I would be surprised. I am constantly working on techniques to try to sleep ..I feel like I am in a pretty much zombie fall over dead state .

As I digress, I  cannot set up my new computer because I do not know the WiFi code and I am not on the account to inquire ..Calling Optimum this afternoon , they asked me to check the router ..what is it (no clue?) ..I had to go into a room which I do not even enter .Attempted to turn the light on but grabbed the fan chain instead and then when I pulled the light switch it snapped off in my hand …Let us disregard that I bought and paid for that damn fan myself . I absolutely panicked ..and this may be why my Drs are telling me I will drop dead from stress. i am so conditioned ..IT IS SICK…


I never know if someone is going to scream outside my door at 7am ( this has happened more times than I care to admit ) that they could not sleep  because I went to the bathroom , brushed my teeth , washed my hands and they could not sleep . I have brushed my teeth in the kitchen sink  while tiptoeing . I made arrangements long ago to relieve myself at night without leaving my room . Common sense and rational thought tell me that I am a grown woman with rights ..like the right to brush my teeth, run water , go to the bathroom in what is supposed to be my own home but that is just not the way it has been for a very long time .

Unfortunately , for me , I am disabled and I can’t run for the hills as I wish I could. If I could I would be out of here in a New York minute . I do not have anyone to assist me ..those bridges were burned . I have wasted more than half my life being abused and treated as if I was less than to the point that , years ago , I would try to joke ..world peace , racism , guns..all my fault ..what isn’t?  WHAT IS NOT MY FAULT? At physical therapy on Monday, heaven help me ..I stated ” Wow an angry 64 year old white male???I don’t know anything about that ..as if

PLEASE contact me if you have no faith in yourself or if someone has beaten you down so badly that you do not see any light at the end of the tunnel . I will help you ..been there ..done that ..

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month


The Strangest Thing A Guest has ever done in your home

This is completely ,and unabashedly stolen, from a Quora forum. For me, this was an absolute no -brainer , which prompted me to respond .

Although it transpired over 29 years ago I can easily state that the oddest thing a “guest ” has done in my home was taking a nap in my bed , unknown to me ( I had a perfectly good, and comfy guest room) .

Working mom of then two children with a small home . I generally had three parties for each of my children due to the , aforementioned , small home and large families on both sides .If the weather permitted I could get away with one large one.

My son’s first birthday party ..hosting the in-law party and I noticed that “a guest” was missing . When I inquired regarding his whereabouts it was relayed to me that he was napping in my bed because he was tired from camping on the ground all night ( he had not showered or changed clothes in the interim) . I had a perfectly fine guest room with a large bed upstairs , which he bypassed. I admit , I am a bit of a clean freak due to numerous sinus infections, allergies, drug interactions etc so I was upset by the fact that someone would even engage in such behavior , without saying a word, asking ..crazy other things that may have polite and warranted .

I cannot even fathom doing this. I have taken a nap on my mother’s bed ..she was there with me and my granddaughter’s bed . I would never go into someone’s bedroom and sleep in their bed, especially if I was dirty


What do you think?

Moral here : Breeding shows …so does an absolute lack of class