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THANK YOU LILS

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LILS  I THANK YOU for all the happiness and fun that you brought into my life . There is not a day I don’t cry for the lack of you …

 

Four years ago Gsmmi was so damaged that I could no longer travel soI doubt that I will ever see you again…I was ever permitted to know your brother and sister ..

 

I pray for you every night ,my fairy Princess . Your parents chose to move you away from me …My own daughter did not care about me ..your father just has parental issues .

 

One day I hope that  I am still alive, somewhat functional , and that you look for me. I miss PA so much ❤

 

The nightmares, the terrors the flashbacks that  leave fingernail marks in my skin ….unforgettable

dysfunctional · family · Lifestyle · Mothers Day · self preservation · Uncategorized

Happy (UnMother’s day ) To All of us who have lost children

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I can’t state it has not been a bad weekend because it has ..Just the thought of Mother’s D ay . I gave birth to three quite successful children . , However I don’t really have any yet I do understand what they are going through ..call it the Mother Gene

 

I could not love anyone more than my children (okay maybe one granddaughter but she is out of my life . I don’t know the others ) Absolutely not my choice and I hope that she is okay every day of my life  because I have cried a million tears for the girl who was troubled and cutting item’s up at the age of 5 (point of concern ..hell yes ) .Both of her parents tormented her and it broke my heart ..probably why they won’t speak to me..child abuse is not something I am willing to put up with ..What happened to my kind son , who became embittered and abusive?

 

So I wish all , who have your children intact a Happy Mother’s day . For me, it is rather a joke . I was a drop and run mom ..need me ? Here I am …always but drop me like the piece of garbage that you believe me to be..Karma is a BITCH..what goes around comes around ..I do not anticipate any good wishes from my children . un with all I did for you ..#Tucci#naldzin

#motherhood · dysfunctional · family · respect yourself · sanity · self preservation · Uncategorized

Love IS Never About Deagredation

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IF someone truly loves you they will never ever out you into, degrading positions . If you see that coming , as I have stated numerous times RUN FOR YOUR LIFE. I wish I had . You have no idea what , whom or how much you can lose being with a sick individual ….#Tucci

 

Someone who loves you would not take, or flaunt pornography and then argue the point ” Have you found yourself on porn sites ?” No, I don’t actually know of any …

 

Golden Showers ..not my fetish ..find someone who shares yours

 

If someone wants you because you have class and then they attempt to bring you to the lowest level possible …RUN …

 

Love should be about partnership  and compatibility and shared respect . If those elements are non – existent ..get out asap , You will be happier that you did

dysfunctional · family · Lifestyle · love · self preservation · Uncategorized

Apologies in Advance to Milenials

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I just spent several hours the phone with both Apple and Verizon because my phone, which is old and the story of my life …hand me downs . My son kept saying the phone is only a few years old..it’s you. I find that odd as I have texts there from six years ago  so it is quite a bit older than that . Thank you in advance to Derek at verizon for being so kind and helpful .

It seems like I am the recipient of everyone’s hand me downs ..phone’s included ..striking out on my own finally ..with no safety net …seems my phone coverage was limited although I was not aware …alternate title drunk at my door ..and no one give s a hoot , not even one of the children I gave birth to are bright enough to realize or recognize the manipulation tossed their way ,not by me , but by the brainwashing of their father . When this was first mentioned to me I was astonished …I could not assimilate that my brain but now I see it

 

Sorry this blog has been interrupted by the drunk at my door …the same that crippled me  and made me unable to leave the place I once considered a labor of love …then it became a gilded cage and then it became a house of horrors ..a place where I was traumatized , terrorized for over a decade and my children did not care or were not bright enough to see …All of a sudden that nurturing hardworking mother went bonkers…not so .

 

It is my understanding most milenials have this state of mind ..more is the pity for the future

 

Not A Fan of Veggies? Mix it up
Uncategorized

Not A Fan of Veggies? Mix it up

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Not a fan of vegetables? I love them but personally some become quite boring . Prior to disability I loved cooking and I tried to season everything…spice it up

Above is a vegainCauliflowre/Potato Blend ( if don’t  the carbs …substitute

broccolli)

 

Easy Peasy ..Boil the veggies with garlic cloves ..until done …then mash them as if you would potatoes …I am talking old school here . I use a utensil, likely antique , where you hand mash the combo.

I add vegan cheeses ,because I am allergic to milk , as well as any variety of spices ..such as dill, chives, rosemary …experiment

 

Then place back in the oven for another 30-45 minutes …It is heavenly tasting …Lay those  boring veggies to rest

 

PS love grilled or baked asparagus with olive oil and chipotle

 

 

dysfunctional · family · Lifestyle · love · respect yourself · sanity · Uncategorized

Happy Anniversary

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It was 38 years ago today, that I was married for the first time. I knew it was a mistake from the start …Always trust gut instincts..they may be the only thing in this life that doesn’t lie .

Two years ago …I attempted suicide …Okay I would have succeeded but that damn vodka really through me off. I was never a drinker. More so , a health and fitness freak with 30 years of medical Knowledge behind me . I knew exactly what I was doing , as the head of cardiology stated …would have been a successful suicide, had I not taken steps to prevent it .

Sometimes,  oftentimes, life just does not pan out the way that you planned..or even close . Being someone  who was always active , on the run and with people ..already in this typing my arms are going out and fatiguing on me. They say love and emotional health has a lot to do with physical ailments . I will assume this to have some merit because one can never judge a situation unless they are in it …at least that is my take .

Sometimes people choose to end their lives because the have a terminal disease or illness  where there is no chance of a recovery . It is their preference to go out on their terms . I watched my father die a horrible death at only a few years older than I am .

It is ironic that people can be intelligent, yet not. I guess about a month my son was screaming at me that quadriplegics do more than I do . I replied “They probably have a support system or people that care”  I don’t . I bore three children and  was a good and encouraging mother . Short of anything illegal there is nothing that I would not have done for them because they were the loves of my life and I wanted them to have everything that I never had  I always taught them to give back and pay it forward , although this philosophy has not really panned out for me .

 

I am not without fault…no one is ..hopefully we learn from our mistakes . My children have all turned their backs on me because of things that I have said (although with sleepwalking and narcolepsy I was often unaware of what I may have done). What boggles my mind is that they are fine with wha their father did to me . No one bothered to check with any Doctors that what I was saying was valid and true.

Who knows why we are here. I always expected t live  a life of service to others , yet I struggle alone with mundane tasks .  I would have to surmise in the end that I was a mother of horrific proportions. According to their dad I should have committed years ago. Ironically, I can’t find one Doctor , out of many , who finds me anything other than normal…just in a bad situation . Do we have choices or is everything predestined?

dysfunctional · family · heart beat · Lifestyle · love · medical, psychological · respect yourself · sanity · self preservation · Uncategorized · Valentine's Day

Smile…while your heart is breaking

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One of my favorite songs ..written I believe by Charlie Chaplin and wonderfully , and sincerely, performed by Michael Jackson.

As I age , I find this slightly ironic as it is difficult to smile while your heart is breaking . Mine has been crumbling for many a year . I gave birth to three children, all of whom hate me..mainly my fault ..in part their selfishness , greed , independent spirits (which I believe I did have a large hand in fostering) . As none are speaking to me I gave their father Valentine’s Day to send and he said “This one is blank” . I replied , yea write something” and he responded “I don’t do that ” As if I did not know. I guess that would be the snarky side of me , but hey, if you have been through half of what I have been (not considering  3rd world countries as I know one of my children would take issue with this) . I am a born and bred long time New Yorker .

I think of Valentine’s Day as VD Day (snarky sense of humor) and I have not really ever had a Valentine ..barely even funny ones …I was always the card writer, gift giver but life has made me bitter  and resentful ( hey , I finally qualify for in home care and have been considered legally disabled for years now) . Not quite the way I imagined life. I am hitting 60 and for almost 44 years a gym rat ( or the past few years tried to be recouping) but numerous spinal cord injuries (not my doing) , a broken leg …checking on a broken wrist this week have left me pretty much useless .

ADVICE: Raise one dependent child who might actually be there for you …promises…promises…my son’s will become quite wealthy upon my death…my daughter ..no ..she promised to care for me and abandoned me instead

I currently have two rocking chairs in my home. I have always had at least one . How many times have rocked children to sleep in them ? Countless. I don’t know , perhaps I did not read good stories, or sang off key  for the many many hours I spent performing this with my own children , prior to their birth and thereafter . I remember my MIL yelling at me about that …about not holding my children and I replied ” That’s not really how it works in my world” (Younger pretending to be more confident self) …I clearly recall my aunts singing and rocking me as I was a child and that love carried through  a lifetime . Apparently, not with mine. Perhaps , they are more genetically predisposed to the other side (gasp). I can’t imagine .There is nothing greater in this world than love .

 

Thinking that the last time I even had a cuddle was waking up with my then 7 year old granddaughter . I know that she was  aware that I had neck injuries , but not to the extent that I did ,,,now it is the spinal cord and tributaries …Arms and legs go numb 5 minutes in ..where  sometimes can’t feel a damn thing or stand up. I am grateful for the time that I had with my first granddaughter , and the love of my life…though she will soon forget me. Even though I had many adaptions to make , we did and we had tons of fun …my heart breaks for what we had everyday. I was always there for my children and I would , and still would lay down and die for theirs because that is how great my love is …besides their parents , I am quite doubtful that anyone could have loved them more . They were my life , my joy, my sanity …

 

Sometimes the hand that you are dealt just sucks . I barely have the strength to lift my arms anymore…typo’s galore (which I despise) and I don’t have the strength to go back and fix them. Perhaps things are better as they are because I am not of much use to anyone anymore . I guess my purpose was to be there for others ..but who was there for me?

 

I have done , and said many things that are so out of character for me and it comes from a place of deep pain and hurt..because  would never t purposely hurt anyone. I know trauma, pain and abandonment all too well . I forgive too easily ..maybe there are things I prefer to forget..Best line I have heard this year “When did the abused become the abuser” Telling ???????? My spouse broke my body…my daughter broke my heart

Christmas · family · Uncategorized

Ghosts of Christmas’ Past

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Wow …How do I begin ? Christmas was always my favorite Holiday and I tried to make it magical for my children. One of them used to say “I always knew mom was at it because the Christmas music was blasting” . That was at a time when Mondays were my day off and I was young and energetic. Those days are long gone , as are so many others.

When I was younger , when we moved to NJ , often times there was no money for gifts and I recall the year that I asked for the $1.00 paper cut out dolls from a second hand store …and I got it …along with an orange in my stocking and I was thrilled .

 

That I recall the year that my grandparents were with us , as was often the case, that my grandmother got a black eye wandering around in the night as she was often prone to do .

The year that I was 7 and (SPOILER ALERT) I realized that there was no Santa Clause because I went to say good night to my grandparents and all the gifts , that would be under the tree the next day, were in their bedroom . In those days gifts were not really wrapped and I was a clever child, after all .

The so many Christmas’ spent in Sleepy Hollow where my grandparents always had cracker barrel cheese and crackers and Trappist Monk wine jellies . I still picture myself there and can feel the joy and love .

When my children were young and I was up at 6am , or earlier , to light the light the fireplace and tree because I wanted to see their faces first thing . I worked a lot…Note to moms ..$$ cannot equate with time although I tried the best with what I had and I still do not think they had a clue how far I went to find just what they wanted.

To my very best Christmas memory, spent on an air bed in an empty dining room , with the person I loved most by my side .

 

Today , my family is scattered, or non exist ..I am disabled and don’t have a lot of time left . There is no Christmas here today . I am doing housework, or attempting to ..pain and disability have left me unable to sleep for quite some time. Merry Christmas to all and cherish what you have , for you never know when it may disappear .

Lifestyle · Uncategorized

Sleep Deprivation…No Joke Folks

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I know in this crazy dog eat dog society ( I am from New York..which translates into go go go ) that many get by with few hours of sleep . I did that for 40 years and managed it , I thought , fairly well…Back in the 1990’s Drs that I worked with prescribed me valium to catch sleep . As the mother of three, who often worked two jobs and seven days a week I was pretty toasted at times.

I went to a sleep Dr and had a sleep study back in 2011 , I believe. What I recall about that the most was the room that you were in , which pretty screamed “hospital green “..I was hooked up to all the sleep monitors and jarred at 4:30am with a you can leave now . I asked if I had done anything super embarrassing and was assured that I had not .

Meeting with the sleep Dr afterward I was advised that I was a sleepwalker with narcolepsy. Although , the sleep walking part runs in family I dismissed it as a no way . I was told that I never stopped spasming or moving throughout that period.

Flash Forward to October 2017 where I go back to a sleep Dr . because now I have started  to sleepwalk ( and I have witnessed others doing this and it is pretty freaky, I will admit) . I have done laundry and cooked meals with no recollection of doing such.

The sleep Dr I saw last Halloween was not of much assistance.. She essentially told me to get my sleep act together , which really was not of much help .

Since then i have seen a psychiatrist who has put me on massive doses of melatonin ..to little avail ( it worked for  a bit but not long enough. The sleep Dr had recommended three weeks of a minimum of 7 hours of sleep per night . At the time, I laughed however  I am no longer laughing .

I am not a large person, by any standards , however , what I have been advised to take should knock out a horse . Still no sleep .

I have talked to other Drs in addition to this one and they all agree that after 14 days of the sleep I have been experiencing for years you start to zone out , become incoherent etc . Do  get credit for recognizing this and that it is happening ?  I have often used the terms “stupid tired” or “fall  on my face exhausted”. What rather amazes me is the lack of direction from professionals …Seek the best and do take sleepy lightly, lightly.

family · Lifestyle · respect yourself · sanity · Uncategorized

Feeding Your Heart and Soul

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A steady diet of feeding your heart and soul is just as imperative as feeding your body. Perhaps more so . Anyone who knows me , knows that I have a voracious appetite and I often wonder why .

I don’t think my children realize the extent to which they fed my heart and soul. I could not have loved them. Perhaps I could have loved them better but I was a working mother of three ..sometimes holding down two jobs ..working seven days a week and still trying to fit in motivation , education and time together. It was not easy . My (former ) daughter asked me years ago how I did it and I honestly replied “I don’t know, I just did ” because I wanted the best for them and they are all successful in their own rights . I wanted them to have the lives and opportunities that passed me by and I made that my mission as a mother .

They are all off and on their own ..in July 2009 a baby girl was born with the ear of a fairy , and I was called upon to take care of her for lengths of time , which I never minded , because I adore children, but I adored her most of all because the love was reciprocated . For seven years that child fed my heart and soul and was EVERYTHING to me . She has siblings but I don’t really know them and they don’t know me.

As many may be aware , I have extremely severe medical conditions, the least of which is spinal cord injuries since 2008 , over and over . I spent 11 years in physical therapy ( I just returned after a break) I am a fighter . My Diagnosis in 2006 was eventual quadriplegia ..I also have two bleeding disorders, one of which I found out recently was a  form of hemophilia. That might explain those multiple experiences of hemorrhagic episode and , yet< I was trying to be such a devoted mother that I recall making cupcakes for Valentine’s Day for my daughter’s class….one of my sons on my hips and clenching my legs together due to hemorrhage. There is not much I would not do for them (I draw the line at illegal ..why I left my long time high paying job) .

I have been seeing the same neurologist for almost 12 years ..every 2-3 months since 2006 to monitor my strength and progress , or lack there of . He is one of the top Neurologist’s at a top Hospital in the USA  but his hands are tied . NO epidural injections ..no surgery ..no EMG’s with direct needle sticks into my neck or spine.  I know that he has seen the light dim from my eyes over the years . As he stated to me in May of this year ” So many injuries (accidental , of course ) ..so much extensive damage” . I have fought a long battle with this ..there are days that I am at the gym and I feel like giving up, but I push myself  although my inspiration is gone .

I fought to be there for my fairy princess , and comrade in fun but she is out of reach  and LOL my children never really did speak to my DR ..and he tried to reach one of them …I was injured, more severely three years ago and I have never recovered . In fact , I have had further injuries ,. June 4th of this year ..seems to have affected C1-2 . To state that I am not frightened would be a lie because that is pretty much death

I attempted suicide a year and  a half ago ..February 13, 2017 ..why (?) many may ask  Because I was number 1 in my both my pre-med and US classes ..and had 30 years experience working in the medical field . Because I know how severe my spinal condition is ..as some one who has worked out for 40+ years , I know my body ….I know it was done and that was before two injuries ( not my doing) on April 29 and June 4, 2018 , which made me leery of getting in a car with any other driver..and I am limited . That incident on June 4th seems to have affected the use of my right arm..dominant arm and my left side is severely nerve damaged . However, again , I digress ..Once upon a time my  (former )  daughter said ” I thought your Drs all hated you” To which I responded ” Where did you ever get that impression?”  When I attempted suicide ( i really think the vodka messed me up as I was never a drinker …empty calories ) the Head of Cardiology at our local Hospital ( which is also not rated as shabby) stayed by my side the entire time that I was in the Emergency Room  ( he later told me you knew what the hell you were doing) ..My Dr’s actually hold a great respect for me and what I have been through and endured . Physical condition and strong mind have been credited to my survival , and that is years in the running .

I do not believe that my children will ever truly know what I have endured , and how hard I fought ..because I loved one little girl so much  I would die for her , as I would have died for them ..She was taken from me and no one realizes how severely disabled I am ( at least  not my family ) Drs have made attempts to reach out for years to little avail

if you really knew me , I may be one of the most loving selfless people you may ever know ..but I am uber tolerant and gullible and easily discarded ..it appears ..and all the while I begged ..Hurt me ..I know a lifetime of it ..but please do not hurt a child …ignored ..my granddaughter is better off believing that I am dead , rather than the fact that I may have abandoned, or no longer love her?

When you lose the capacity to enjoy any hobbies..when you are in pain 24/7 for years..when you sleep deprived due to that you do begin to give up . Music can feed my soul but that is off limits as well, unless I am driving ..the few that I can . Without heart and should food you will wither away