#disability · #motherhood · acceptance · dysfunctional · family · medical, psychological · sanity · self preservation

Trying to accept disability

I know that many have struggled with this and overcome it Six years have gone by and despite the 13 years spent in PT I think too damage has been done…

 

What bites you is that you have fought , long and hard ..that there are no bruises .It is all spinal cord related…a grab ..slamming on the brakes .It does not leave marks, just damage .

I worked out for 44 years . According to Drs had it not been for my physical fitness , prior and mental tenacity I should have been in a wheelchair 8 years ago and I continue to fight but I often why . My family does not care so I am alone in this . I cannot do anion of what I did three years ago.

 

I went through Heaven and Hell for my children but where have they been for me / Jeez just typing this exhausting ..my arms don’t really  function ..

 

Trying to come to acceptance is difficult …will take any advice

#motherhood · AA · dysfunctional · medical, psychological · respect yourself · sanity · self preservation · Uncategorized

Broken , Damaged , Destroyed

whelp if you want anyone to destroy your life I can make a suggestion  . “Piss job’s ” pardon my French outdoors in open venues . I refuse ..Either my children are really lacking in intellect or they don’t care ..at all ..Where were you A all those years your father abused your mother in front of your eyes ??? Blind

To my daughter , who promised to care for me ..I will well used to broken promises …being terrorized, traumatized etc as I am certain you are well aware ..

 

To m youngest , who cares the most ..the meek will inherit the earth ..something I lived by in my young years because I was quite meek and kind .

 

Talking to people in detox and again wondering why my children never intervened while their father is still a horrible alcoholic . I cannot even imagine someone having a more nasty , derogatory personality …

 

I don’t know why I protect people who don’t deserve it  But I am done with that .

 

I never drank in my life but I became, I believe and alcoholic trying to deal with one …Don’t Make the same mistake I did..If your gut says something is off Run like Hell

dysfunctional · family · Lifestyle · Mothers Day · self preservation · Uncategorized

Happy (UnMother’s day ) To All of us who have lost children

I can’t state it has not been a bad weekend because it has ..Just the thought of Mother’s D ay . I gave birth to three quite successful children . , However I don’t really have any yet I do understand what they are going through ..call it the Mother Gene

 

I could not love anyone more than my children (okay maybe one granddaughter but she is out of my life . I don’t know the others ) Absolutely not my choice and I hope that she is okay every day of my life  because I have cried a million tears for the girl who was troubled and cutting item’s up at the age of 5 (point of concern ..hell yes ) .Both of her parents tormented her and it broke my heart ..probably why they won’t speak to me..child abuse is not something I am willing to put up with ..What happened to my kind son , who became embittered and abusive?

 

So I wish all , who have your children intact a Happy Mother’s day . For me, it is rather a joke . I was a drop and run mom ..need me ? Here I am …always but drop me like the piece of garbage that you believe me to be..Karma is a BITCH..what goes around comes around ..I do not anticipate any good wishes from my children . un with all I did for you ..#Tucci#naldzin

#motherhood · dysfunctional · family · respect yourself · sanity · self preservation · Uncategorized

Love IS Never About Deagredation

IF someone truly loves you they will never ever out you into, degrading positions . If you see that coming , as I have stated numerous times RUN FOR YOUR LIFE. I wish I had . You have no idea what , whom or how much you can lose being with a sick individual ….#Tucci

 

Someone who loves you would not take, or flaunt pornography and then argue the point ” Have you found yourself on porn sites ?” No, I don’t actually know of any …

 

Golden Showers ..not my fetish ..find someone who shares yours

 

If someone wants you because you have class and then they attempt to bring you to the lowest level possible …RUN …

 

Love should be about partnership  and compatibility and shared respect . If those elements are non – existent ..get out asap , You will be happier that you did

dysfunctional · family · Lifestyle · love · self preservation · Uncategorized

Apologies in Advance to Milenials

I just spent several hours the phone with both Apple and Verizon because my phone, which is old and the story of my life …hand me downs . My son kept saying the phone is only a few years old..it’s you. I find that odd as I have texts there from six years ago  so it is quite a bit older than that . Thank you in advance to Derek at verizon for being so kind and helpful .

It seems like I am the recipient of everyone’s hand me downs ..phone’s included ..striking out on my own finally ..with no safety net …seems my phone coverage was limited although I was not aware …alternate title drunk at my door ..and no one give s a hoot , not even one of the children I gave birth to are bright enough to realize or recognize the manipulation tossed their way ,not by me , but by the brainwashing of their father . When this was first mentioned to me I was astonished …I could not assimilate that my brain but now I see it

 

Sorry this blog has been interrupted by the drunk at my door …the same that crippled me  and made me unable to leave the place I once considered a labor of love …then it became a gilded cage and then it became a house of horrors ..a place where I was traumatized , terrorized for over a decade and my children did not care or were not bright enough to see …All of a sudden that nurturing hardworking mother went bonkers…not so .

 

It is my understanding most milenials have this state of mind ..more is the pity for the future

 

#motherhood · dysfunctional · family · respect yourself · self preservation

Mother Love

A) I was the mother who read and rocked and sang to my children before they even entered this world

B) My mother in law told me I was never to pick up my child . I did reply  ” That’s not really how it works in my world

C) children require love and nurturing to flourish. I did my best ..working often two jobs ..65 hour weeks ..hey I do believe my kids always won school reading contest’s because I would come home after a ten hour day at the office and read to my sons.

D) As your children grow and age ..they distance themselves

E) They don’t recall all that you did ..drop and run no matter the pain or circumstances ..nor do they care

F) Raise one child child to be dependent who might actually care .

 

Admittedly , I was an over the top ( I love you ..I worry ) type of mom  in a very bad relationship , which I consider my bad , because I knew better . I could read the signs ..Red Flags Waving .

You have no idea how things can alter in years to follow ..Brain washing …WTH …sheltered naive trusting Catholic school girl , prime for the picking ..Also an Empath . So yes I cry every single day ..

dysfunctional · Lifestyle · self preservation

Sleep Deprivation and Sleep Aids

I have suffered from sleep deprivation for many years . I believe that I have tried pretty much everything from insane amounts of melatonin (Dr recommended) to sleeping pills , sage burning , sniffing essential oils ..etc  etc

 

Oh #Remfresh if I could only sleep 8 hours and wake up refreshed I might just be in a dream world . Same goes for #Natrol Day and Night for stress and anxiety . The day part (white pills) gave me anxiety from day one. The yeasty brown pills do seem to work the best (the night time ones) and by best I mean maybe three hours sleep with other meds.

 

Obviously individual results may vary . I have PTSD so that is a load of fun and games all by itself …

 

If you have difficulty sleeping and are in a normal situation 10mg of melatonin and 50 megs of benadryl just may do it for you .

I Recently spoke to a sleep Dr who said if you are in a traumatic situation…it’s not going to work but you will not OD on what you are taking ..whew. I googled sleepwalking  at the #Mayo Clinic and three causes highlighted were  were sleep deprivation, anxiety and depression…check check check

 

Please check with medical professional’s  as this is my experience : however after bouts of sleepwalking and several years of literally 2-3 hours I feel a walking zombie

 

Really difficult when your comfort zone disappears