dysfunctional · family · heart beat · Lifestyle · love · medical, psychological · respect yourself · sanity · self preservation · Uncategorized · Valentine's Day

Smile…while your heart is breaking

One of my favorite songs ..written I believe by Charlie Chaplin and wonderfully , and sincerely, performed by Michael Jackson.

As I age , I find this slightly ironic as it is difficult to smile while your heart is breaking . Mine has been crumbling for many a year . I gave birth to three children, all of whom hate me..mainly my fault ..in part their selfishness , greed , independent spirits (which I believe I did have a large hand in fostering) . As none are speaking to me I gave their father Valentine’s Day to send and he said “This one is blank” . I replied , yea write something” and he responded “I don’t do that ” As if I did not know. I guess that would be the snarky side of me , but hey, if you have been through half of what I have been (not considering  3rd world countries as I know one of my children would take issue with this) . I am a born and bred long time New Yorker .

I think of Valentine’s Day as VD Day (snarky sense of humor) and I have not really ever had a Valentine ..barely even funny ones …I was always the card writer, gift giver but life has made me bitter  and resentful ( hey , I finally qualify for in home care and have been considered legally disabled for years now) . Not quite the way I imagined life. I am hitting 60 and for almost 44 years a gym rat ( or the past few years tried to be recouping) but numerous spinal cord injuries (not my doing) , a broken leg …checking on a broken wrist this week have left me pretty much useless .

ADVICE: Raise one dependent child who might actually be there for you …promises…promises…my son’s will become quite wealthy upon my death…my daughter ..no ..she promised to care for me and abandoned me instead

I currently have two rocking chairs in my home. I have always had at least one . How many times have rocked children to sleep in them ? Countless. I don’t know , perhaps I did not read good stories, or sang off key  for the many many hours I spent performing this with my own children , prior to their birth and thereafter . I remember my MIL yelling at me about that …about not holding my children and I replied ” That’s not really how it works in my world” (Younger pretending to be more confident self) …I clearly recall my aunts singing and rocking me as I was a child and that love carried through  a lifetime . Apparently, not with mine. Perhaps , they are more genetically predisposed to the other side (gasp). I can’t imagine .There is nothing greater in this world than love .

 

Thinking that the last time I even had a cuddle was waking up with my then 7 year old granddaughter . I know that she was  aware that I had neck injuries , but not to the extent that I did ,,,now it is the spinal cord and tributaries …Arms and legs go numb 5 minutes in ..where  sometimes can’t feel a damn thing or stand up. I am grateful for the time that I had with my first granddaughter , and the love of my life…though she will soon forget me. Even though I had many adaptions to make , we did and we had tons of fun …my heart breaks for what we had everyday. I was always there for my children and I would , and still would lay down and die for theirs because that is how great my love is …besides their parents , I am quite doubtful that anyone could have loved them more . They were my life , my joy, my sanity …

 

Sometimes the hand that you are dealt just sucks . I barely have the strength to lift my arms anymore…typo’s galore (which I despise) and I don’t have the strength to go back and fix them. Perhaps things are better as they are because I am not of much use to anyone anymore . I guess my purpose was to be there for others ..but who was there for me?

 

I have done , and said many things that are so out of character for me and it comes from a place of deep pain and hurt..because  would never t purposely hurt anyone. I know trauma, pain and abandonment all too well . I forgive too easily ..maybe there are things I prefer to forget..Best line I have heard this year “When did the abused become the abuser” Telling ???????? My spouse broke my body…my daughter broke my heart

family · sanity · self preservation · Uncategorized

To My (Former ) Daughter

It is my understanding that you miss your mother ..and that from a pathological liar …IDK who would not miss a “drop and run mom”  who was there for you every step of the way ..who worked her ass off trying to give you every advantage of life …who encouraged you ( when you applied at Alliance ) Why would they not hire you ? You are the best person for the job.

 

I miss the daughter that I had before her marriage , which is eerily similar to mine ( in a somewhat gentler , kinder way ) ..My dear ..you lost your way as I lost mine long ago …history repeats ..

 

People want forgiveness for transgressions that they don’t understand . If they actually picked up a phone and returned a (very ) concerned Drs call, then they might . But moms, be wary . I miss the grandchild that I knew and I know that she misses me too and that is what breaks my heart .

 

SIL has mother issues ..knew that years ago ..but could not even say to me that he was sorry ( so whatever) when my mom passed away . It was my mother …you should have offered your condolences but you ignored that instead . My granddaughter, the one that I know clung to me and it broke my heart. If my daughter had ever responded to a Drs call she might actually realize the reality of the situation  but she could not be bothered ..

 

Maybe you do , and maybe you don”t miss that drop and run mother who would laid down her life for you or any of your children .

 

IDK but  I am in the thought process that if your in laws cared then they would have been there for you when they were ten minutes away . Disabled, I drove hours …too disabled to do anything now ..and you might be aware of that if you ever bothered to pick up the phone and return a call from more than a few Drs concerning your Mother’s Health

 

You are the one who wrote your mother off …now I am facing quadriplegia …I missed the years I may have been a functional part of your lives. Thank you for abandoning me in my time of greatest need..something I would never have done to you. So much for daughters being he one to take care of their aging disabled parents

medical, psychological · respect yourself · sanity · self preservation

Red Flags

As I have mentioned , or referenced earlier, there are many red flags to watch for ..or just listen to your gut because it does not lie, unlike many you may encounter in a lifetime ..as I age I realize that many sayings that we blow off, myself included, have merit .

Trust your gut is number one ..if you meet some one and the “pick up line ” has your thought bubble immediately responding to “what a jerk”…odds are he is likely a jerk

When you meet someone , who has actively dated your sister for years ( although according to him, they never really did) and he grabs your ass in a bar , while on a date with your sister ..who might wish to question why ..my sister did not speak to me for two years ..I told her introducing me was payback in spades .

When you are informed ” I could have purchased that , now worth 500K home for 80K , but I was worried that I would not have enough beer money ..proceed to the exit ..quickly

When you move in with someone, in a committed relationship, yet they still barhop at least 3-4 nights a week without you ..not a positive sign

When you make impromptu home stops at your SO home , during business hours ,and they are asleep , during the day due to the aforementioned bar hopping …bad sign

When they say ” Have you ever seen a match burn twice?” and you reply “”that’s not possible  and they proceed to light a match , blow it out and then stick it on your hand. You may be thinking WTF??? I was , at the time, but that abbreviation was non-existent at the time . Gentleman would put the hot match on his own hand. A true gentleman would not even think of doing that .

When you are asked “Why can’t your eyes be blue?” I happen to love my brown eyes and so apparently does Van Morrison . I never asked “Why don’t you have  a six pack” because I did . Exercise has been a vital part of my life for 44 years. If someone believes that you are “less than” don’t buy what they are selling . Do not put yourself on the clearance rack

When your mother in law ( not the warmest , or kindest  person, informs you that “he had the nicest girlfriend for five years but he treated her like Garbage..ordering her about etc ..RUN

When your father advises you that ” you are being led down the garden path” you may not know what that means but trust your dad on that

When their mother, who was as cold as Leo DiCapriono ended up at the end of Titanic) tells you that he dated a very nice girl for many years , but expected her to be a servant and wait on him..DON’T

When you pregnant with their child and they hit you ..Done. When they do that and their stands by with a smirk..double done…that is pretty twisted

Signs of gambling or alcohol addiction ? Not getting better . When your first impression is ” I don’t date alcoholics” trust yourself

When you are expected to do the “lion’s share of work” , bring in the income, take care of the house , the children when you sometimes work 7 days a week ..that is tough  ..trust me on that one and you will never regret it . If you question yourself and what you have to offer please contact me.

I desire nothing more to help others

If there is anything questionable involving children..call the Police

If you are injured..Call the Police on the spot

If there is a temper …there will always be . You do not need that as you age..your blood pressure will double .

Any ACT which you are uncomfortable with , or is intended to degrade you …twisted minds should seek like ..”.normal ” people should look for like individuals . Do not let anyone make your perform actions to “stay safe” . Take action and make sure that you are safe

 

Ultimately, if you are not wise and  the trusting sort ..it was actually mentioned to me recently that I was gullible and naive..to which I responded ” Seems to have worked out well for you “. You can lose all that you value and cherish ..Do not let Happen to you ..I did  and as I stated to a therapist the other day ” When I was teenager dreaming of my future I could never have phathomed the nightmare that my life would become”