#disability · #motherhood · acceptance · dysfunctional · family · medical, psychological · sanity · self preservation

Trying to accept disability

I know that many have struggled with this and overcome it Six years have gone by and despite the 13 years spent in PT I think too damage has been done…

 

What bites you is that you have fought , long and hard ..that there are no bruises .It is all spinal cord related…a grab ..slamming on the brakes .It does not leave marks, just damage .

I worked out for 44 years . According to Drs had it not been for my physical fitness , prior and mental tenacity I should have been in a wheelchair 8 years ago and I continue to fight but I often why . My family does not care so I am alone in this . I cannot do anion of what I did three years ago.

 

I went through Heaven and Hell for my children but where have they been for me / Jeez just typing this exhausting ..my arms don’t really  function ..

 

Trying to come to acceptance is difficult …will take any advice

#motherhood · AA · dysfunctional · medical, psychological · respect yourself · sanity · self preservation · Uncategorized

Broken , Damaged , Destroyed

whelp if you want anyone to destroy your life I can make a suggestion  . “Piss job’s ” pardon my French outdoors in open venues . I refuse ..Either my children are really lacking in intellect or they don’t care ..at all ..Where were you A all those years your father abused your mother in front of your eyes ??? Blind

To my daughter , who promised to care for me ..I will well used to broken promises …being terrorized, traumatized etc as I am certain you are well aware ..

 

To m youngest , who cares the most ..the meek will inherit the earth ..something I lived by in my young years because I was quite meek and kind .

 

Talking to people in detox and again wondering why my children never intervened while their father is still a horrible alcoholic . I cannot even imagine someone having a more nasty , derogatory personality …

 

I don’t know why I protect people who don’t deserve it  But I am done with that .

 

I never drank in my life but I became, I believe and alcoholic trying to deal with one …Don’t Make the same mistake I did..If your gut says something is off Run like Hell

#motherhood · dysfunctional · family · respect yourself · sanity · self preservation · Uncategorized

Love IS Never About Deagredation

IF someone truly loves you they will never ever out you into, degrading positions . If you see that coming , as I have stated numerous times RUN FOR YOUR LIFE. I wish I had . You have no idea what , whom or how much you can lose being with a sick individual ….#Tucci

 

Someone who loves you would not take, or flaunt pornography and then argue the point ” Have you found yourself on porn sites ?” No, I don’t actually know of any …

 

Golden Showers ..not my fetish ..find someone who shares yours

 

If someone wants you because you have class and then they attempt to bring you to the lowest level possible …RUN …

 

Love should be about partnership  and compatibility and shared respect . If those elements are non – existent ..get out asap , You will be happier that you did

dysfunctional · family · Lifestyle · love · respect yourself · sanity · Uncategorized

Happy Anniversary

It was 38 years ago today, that I was married for the first time. I knew it was a mistake from the start …Always trust gut instincts..they may be the only thing in this life that doesn’t lie .

Two years ago …I attempted suicide …Okay I would have succeeded but that damn vodka really through me off. I was never a drinker. More so , a health and fitness freak with 30 years of medical Knowledge behind me . I knew exactly what I was doing , as the head of cardiology stated …would have been a successful suicide, had I not taken steps to prevent it .

Sometimes,  oftentimes, life just does not pan out the way that you planned..or even close . Being someone  who was always active , on the run and with people ..already in this typing my arms are going out and fatiguing on me. They say love and emotional health has a lot to do with physical ailments . I will assume this to have some merit because one can never judge a situation unless they are in it …at least that is my take .

Sometimes people choose to end their lives because the have a terminal disease or illness  where there is no chance of a recovery . It is their preference to go out on their terms . I watched my father die a horrible death at only a few years older than I am .

It is ironic that people can be intelligent, yet not. I guess about a month my son was screaming at me that quadriplegics do more than I do . I replied “They probably have a support system or people that care”  I don’t . I bore three children and  was a good and encouraging mother . Short of anything illegal there is nothing that I would not have done for them because they were the loves of my life and I wanted them to have everything that I never had  I always taught them to give back and pay it forward , although this philosophy has not really panned out for me .

 

I am not without fault…no one is ..hopefully we learn from our mistakes . My children have all turned their backs on me because of things that I have said (although with sleepwalking and narcolepsy I was often unaware of what I may have done). What boggles my mind is that they are fine with wha their father did to me . No one bothered to check with any Doctors that what I was saying was valid and true.

Who knows why we are here. I always expected t live  a life of service to others , yet I struggle alone with mundane tasks .  I would have to surmise in the end that I was a mother of horrific proportions. According to their dad I should have committed years ago. Ironically, I can’t find one Doctor , out of many , who finds me anything other than normal…just in a bad situation . Do we have choices or is everything predestined?

dysfunctional · family · heart beat · Lifestyle · love · medical, psychological · respect yourself · sanity · self preservation · Uncategorized · Valentine's Day

Smile…while your heart is breaking

One of my favorite songs ..written I believe by Charlie Chaplin and wonderfully , and sincerely, performed by Michael Jackson.

As I age , I find this slightly ironic as it is difficult to smile while your heart is breaking . Mine has been crumbling for many a year . I gave birth to three children, all of whom hate me..mainly my fault ..in part their selfishness , greed , independent spirits (which I believe I did have a large hand in fostering) . As none are speaking to me I gave their father Valentine’s Day to send and he said “This one is blank” . I replied , yea write something” and he responded “I don’t do that ” As if I did not know. I guess that would be the snarky side of me , but hey, if you have been through half of what I have been (not considering  3rd world countries as I know one of my children would take issue with this) . I am a born and bred long time New Yorker .

I think of Valentine’s Day as VD Day (snarky sense of humor) and I have not really ever had a Valentine ..barely even funny ones …I was always the card writer, gift giver but life has made me bitter  and resentful ( hey , I finally qualify for in home care and have been considered legally disabled for years now) . Not quite the way I imagined life. I am hitting 60 and for almost 44 years a gym rat ( or the past few years tried to be recouping) but numerous spinal cord injuries (not my doing) , a broken leg …checking on a broken wrist this week have left me pretty much useless .

ADVICE: Raise one dependent child who might actually be there for you …promises…promises…my son’s will become quite wealthy upon my death…my daughter ..no ..she promised to care for me and abandoned me instead

I currently have two rocking chairs in my home. I have always had at least one . How many times have rocked children to sleep in them ? Countless. I don’t know , perhaps I did not read good stories, or sang off key  for the many many hours I spent performing this with my own children , prior to their birth and thereafter . I remember my MIL yelling at me about that …about not holding my children and I replied ” That’s not really how it works in my world” (Younger pretending to be more confident self) …I clearly recall my aunts singing and rocking me as I was a child and that love carried through  a lifetime . Apparently, not with mine. Perhaps , they are more genetically predisposed to the other side (gasp). I can’t imagine .There is nothing greater in this world than love .

 

Thinking that the last time I even had a cuddle was waking up with my then 7 year old granddaughter . I know that she was  aware that I had neck injuries , but not to the extent that I did ,,,now it is the spinal cord and tributaries …Arms and legs go numb 5 minutes in ..where  sometimes can’t feel a damn thing or stand up. I am grateful for the time that I had with my first granddaughter , and the love of my life…though she will soon forget me. Even though I had many adaptions to make , we did and we had tons of fun …my heart breaks for what we had everyday. I was always there for my children and I would , and still would lay down and die for theirs because that is how great my love is …besides their parents , I am quite doubtful that anyone could have loved them more . They were my life , my joy, my sanity …

 

Sometimes the hand that you are dealt just sucks . I barely have the strength to lift my arms anymore…typo’s galore (which I despise) and I don’t have the strength to go back and fix them. Perhaps things are better as they are because I am not of much use to anyone anymore . I guess my purpose was to be there for others ..but who was there for me?

 

I have done , and said many things that are so out of character for me and it comes from a place of deep pain and hurt..because  would never t purposely hurt anyone. I know trauma, pain and abandonment all too well . I forgive too easily ..maybe there are things I prefer to forget..Best line I have heard this year “When did the abused become the abuser” Telling ???????? My spouse broke my body…my daughter broke my heart

family · Lifestyle · respect yourself · sanity · Uncategorized

Feeding Your Heart and Soul

A steady diet of feeding your heart and soul is just as imperative as feeding your body. Perhaps more so . Anyone who knows me , knows that I have a voracious appetite and I often wonder why .

I don’t think my children realize the extent to which they fed my heart and soul. I could not have loved them. Perhaps I could have loved them better but I was a working mother of three ..sometimes holding down two jobs ..working seven days a week and still trying to fit in motivation , education and time together. It was not easy . My (former ) daughter asked me years ago how I did it and I honestly replied “I don’t know, I just did ” because I wanted the best for them and they are all successful in their own rights . I wanted them to have the lives and opportunities that passed me by and I made that my mission as a mother .

They are all off and on their own ..in July 2009 a baby girl was born with the ear of a fairy , and I was called upon to take care of her for lengths of time , which I never minded , because I adore children, but I adored her most of all because the love was reciprocated . For seven years that child fed my heart and soul and was EVERYTHING to me . She has siblings but I don’t really know them and they don’t know me.

As many may be aware , I have extremely severe medical conditions, the least of which is spinal cord injuries since 2008 , over and over . I spent 11 years in physical therapy ( I just returned after a break) I am a fighter . My Diagnosis in 2006 was eventual quadriplegia ..I also have two bleeding disorders, one of which I found out recently was a  form of hemophilia. That might explain those multiple experiences of hemorrhagic episode and , yet< I was trying to be such a devoted mother that I recall making cupcakes for Valentine’s Day for my daughter’s class….one of my sons on my hips and clenching my legs together due to hemorrhage. There is not much I would not do for them (I draw the line at illegal ..why I left my long time high paying job) .

I have been seeing the same neurologist for almost 12 years ..every 2-3 months since 2006 to monitor my strength and progress , or lack there of . He is one of the top Neurologist’s at a top Hospital in the USA  but his hands are tied . NO epidural injections ..no surgery ..no EMG’s with direct needle sticks into my neck or spine.  I know that he has seen the light dim from my eyes over the years . As he stated to me in May of this year ” So many injuries (accidental , of course ) ..so much extensive damage” . I have fought a long battle with this ..there are days that I am at the gym and I feel like giving up, but I push myself  although my inspiration is gone .

I fought to be there for my fairy princess , and comrade in fun but she is out of reach  and LOL my children never really did speak to my DR ..and he tried to reach one of them …I was injured, more severely three years ago and I have never recovered . In fact , I have had further injuries ,. June 4th of this year ..seems to have affected C1-2 . To state that I am not frightened would be a lie because that is pretty much death

I attempted suicide a year and  a half ago ..February 13, 2017 ..why (?) many may ask  Because I was number 1 in my both my pre-med and US classes ..and had 30 years experience working in the medical field . Because I know how severe my spinal condition is ..as some one who has worked out for 40+ years , I know my body ….I know it was done and that was before two injuries ( not my doing) on April 29 and June 4, 2018 , which made me leery of getting in a car with any other driver..and I am limited . That incident on June 4th seems to have affected the use of my right arm..dominant arm and my left side is severely nerve damaged . However, again , I digress ..Once upon a time my  (former )  daughter said ” I thought your Drs all hated you” To which I responded ” Where did you ever get that impression?”  When I attempted suicide ( i really think the vodka messed me up as I was never a drinker …empty calories ) the Head of Cardiology at our local Hospital ( which is also not rated as shabby) stayed by my side the entire time that I was in the Emergency Room  ( he later told me you knew what the hell you were doing) ..My Dr’s actually hold a great respect for me and what I have been through and endured . Physical condition and strong mind have been credited to my survival , and that is years in the running .

I do not believe that my children will ever truly know what I have endured , and how hard I fought ..because I loved one little girl so much  I would die for her , as I would have died for them ..She was taken from me and no one realizes how severely disabled I am ( at least  not my family ) Drs have made attempts to reach out for years to little avail

if you really knew me , I may be one of the most loving selfless people you may ever know ..but I am uber tolerant and gullible and easily discarded ..it appears ..and all the while I begged ..Hurt me ..I know a lifetime of it ..but please do not hurt a child …ignored ..my granddaughter is better off believing that I am dead , rather than the fact that I may have abandoned, or no longer love her?

When you lose the capacity to enjoy any hobbies..when you are in pain 24/7 for years..when you sleep deprived due to that you do begin to give up . Music can feed my soul but that is off limits as well, unless I am driving ..the few that I can . Without heart and should food you will wither away

 

family · sanity · self preservation · Uncategorized

To My (Former ) Daughter

It is my understanding that you miss your mother ..and that from a pathological liar …IDK who would not miss a “drop and run mom”  who was there for you every step of the way ..who worked her ass off trying to give you every advantage of life …who encouraged you ( when you applied at Alliance ) Why would they not hire you ? You are the best person for the job.

 

I miss the daughter that I had before her marriage , which is eerily similar to mine ( in a somewhat gentler , kinder way ) ..My dear ..you lost your way as I lost mine long ago …history repeats ..

 

People want forgiveness for transgressions that they don’t understand . If they actually picked up a phone and returned a (very ) concerned Drs call, then they might . But moms, be wary . I miss the grandchild that I knew and I know that she misses me too and that is what breaks my heart .

 

SIL has mother issues ..knew that years ago ..but could not even say to me that he was sorry ( so whatever) when my mom passed away . It was my mother …you should have offered your condolences but you ignored that instead . My granddaughter, the one that I know clung to me and it broke my heart. If my daughter had ever responded to a Drs call she might actually realize the reality of the situation  but she could not be bothered ..

 

Maybe you do , and maybe you don”t miss that drop and run mother who would laid down her life for you or any of your children .

 

IDK but  I am in the thought process that if your in laws cared then they would have been there for you when they were ten minutes away . Disabled, I drove hours …too disabled to do anything now ..and you might be aware of that if you ever bothered to pick up the phone and return a call from more than a few Drs concerning your Mother’s Health

 

You are the one who wrote your mother off …now I am facing quadriplegia …I missed the years I may have been a functional part of your lives. Thank you for abandoning me in my time of greatest need..something I would never have done to you. So much for daughters being he one to take care of their aging disabled parents