Category: love

#disability · acceptance · family · health · Lifestyle · love · Uncategorized

Covid -19? Where are we really? Besides Cabin Fever

Featured squanderedgiftsLeave a comment

Social Distancing? I am not sure . It can’t hurt but I don’t Think it is the answer .

I am one of those over 60, with cardiac, respiratory and three autoimmune diseases so I attempt to stay in a much s possible.

While I commend the steps being taken there have been pandemics in the past such as smallpox, measles, rubella, the lovely black ( bubonic plague0.

Due to disability #LadyGaga I have been stuck in my home for the past three years . Heaven help me if I leave my Bedroom at all the past several years

Just google pandemics . I tried to provide the links but they will not paste..

northjersey.com
Coronavirus Watch
LOCAL UPDATES TO STAY HEALTHY AND SAFE
THURSDAY, APRIL 9
Unemployment claims in New Jersey continue to climb, breaking the state’s record three weeks in a row.
So whether you are out of work or face reduced hours because of coronavirus, you’re not alone. Here are some resources to help:
If you need to apply for unemployment, here are detailed directions on how to file. And there are options if you find yourself out of work due to the coronavirus.
For small businesses looking to apply for relief programs, here’s our guide.
If you’re experiencing delays with getting your unemployment check processed, NJ’s 40-year-old system is likely to blame.
Governor Phil Murphy and Senator Corey Booker list
NJ coronavirus deaths rise to 1,700, cases at 51,027

How many people are hospitalized with coronavirus in NJ?

In New Jersey, more than 7,017 patients are hospitalized with coronavirus, Persichilli said. Of those patients, 1,651 are in intensive care units and 94 percent were on ventilators.

<align=”left”>Reader — This story is being provided free to our readers during the coronavirus outbreak. Please support our efforts during this time of crisis by </align=”left”>subscribing to NorthJersey.com and The Record.

How many people have died of coronavirus complications in NJ?

There have been 1,232 deaths related to coronavirus in New Jersey. Officials reported 232 new deaths.

Of the 1,232 statewide deaths as of Tuesday, 60% were male and 40% were female. One percent were less than 30 years of age, while 45% were over the age of 80. Of those who died, 44 percent had underlying medical conditions, Persichilli said.

The state also reported information on the race of those who died for the first time Monday. Of the statewide deaths 60% were white, 24% black, 5% Asian and 11% other, Persichilli said. The state will continue to make public those details, Murphy said

My thoughts and prayers to any one who has a family member suffering from this or who has lost a family member . I reside in the second most dangerous States ..NJ… The world here is essentially closed

 

Bless those in NY ,LA and NJ who have the highest death toll. This is my third day in bed , barely able to move

Please feel free to share your stories. I was alone before this ..other ‘s may be as well I mental wellness Physical wellnesshave not been feeling great . I sleep almost 24/7 the past several days. As much as my children do not care about me they were the best thing that ever happened to me

#motherhood · acceptance · dysfunctional · family · love · Uncategorized

Haunted

squanderedgiftsLeave a comment

You can be haunted in  , oh so many ways , Domestic Abuse , Mistakes that you made in trying to provide a future for your children when you out and working , way too many hours …27 years of Saturday’s is a small example. I should have been there . Trying to give my children the best I could in life ( the opportunities that I did not have ) I wanted them to have it all and reach for the stars ….How many times did they call me about job advice and I said why would anyone hire anyone but you ?

I always referred to myself as the drop and run mother…my kids needed and there I was , no matter the pain. I recently saw a new PT , who looking at my MRI’s simply stated “your spine is trashed ”  Odd for a 40+ year athlete , So I don’t sleep at night because I am haunted by thoughts . My children have largely removed themselves from my life …..the fault lies on both sides …things said to me over which I have bitten my tongue , numerous times. I have one child and his spouse who are so well suited that it blows me away , because I do not believe that is the norm and I bless them both C&A  for fending each other . YOU are beyond blessed that you found each other

I am haunted by many things , especially my poor choices in life as it is ending ….I have so many flashbacks of being in Norristown , PA …walking and memories surface ..making tea and much the same …lying and watching TV with my granddaughter (Valentine’s Day 2013)  Drove to babysit as I was renting a room and a car just flew in front of me and hit a pole ….I had no response. She laughed at me and said you are not a babysitter , you are my Gammi . I have not seen her in over three years and I know well before that that gifts I gave my grandkids were trashed . Personally, I have every birthday card since I was 7 . People mean a lot to me <3. I am known for my honesty , kindness and for just being sweet .

Pursued 20 years as a model including a Playboy Centerfold I have wed the biggest losers of loser’s abusive…my Drs have reported this ..one should be in prison .

I have made many mistakes in my life . I so wish to get to PA for closure or to move there . Loved my Lils more than anything and she loved me . I never want her to feel hurt and abandoned . I will never forget my daughter Thanksgiving Day telling me that my granddaughter had another grandmother she saw once a year that she loved as much as she loved me , which was a stab to the heart because it was not true. My daughter once stated “We have a mean family” , which perplexed me because I am not known as being mean .

When my mom had her last coherent conversation with me …she said “you deserved better in life because you were the kind and special one ”

what does Kindness , love and specialty earn you ..nada..When my mom passed away two years ago my granddaughter clung to me and said my other grandparents are nothing like you . I live in a world where my heart breaks daily and where I am haunted by memories  that were good …my  Lills . always there when needed even when it was a backward compliment ..Foster child ..we don’t need you but…..

 

Millenial kids pretty much blow it …but for one and Karma has a major way of biting you   in your ass. I still love my children , although 2/3 treat me like I am garbage

 

 

#motherhood · dysfunctional · family · heart beat · love · respect yourself · Uncategorized

Have a good weekend ..good day

squanderedgiftsLeave a comment

I assume these are terms like “How are you” and you say fine because do you really want to tell someone how much your life sucks ? That you have lost have lost everything of value? That you love your children but have been timeless told how much they hate you ?

When you were that nurturing mother who drop and run for yours but they don’t respond to Drs calls when they are listed as your next of kin ?

When it’s I will give you food  and or money if you piss all over me or give me a blow ..thanks I would rather starve . When your children are too intelligent but too blind to see . I guess you take after your mother …sorry

 

IDK I don’t find it normal or amusing to have some one discuss joint suicide or hoarding your dead body ..Let’s face it no one care enough to check in on me …This is my reality

dysfunctional · family · Lifestyle · love · self preservation · Uncategorized

Apologies in Advance to Milenials

squanderedgiftsLeave a comment

I just spent several hours the phone with both Apple and Verizon because my phone, which is old and the story of my life …hand me downs . My son kept saying the phone is only a few years old..it’s you. I find that odd as I have texts there from six years ago  so it is quite a bit older than that . Thank you in advance to Derek at verizon for being so kind and helpful .

It seems like I am the recipient of everyone’s hand me downs ..phone’s included ..striking out on my own finally ..with no safety net …seems my phone coverage was limited although I was not aware …alternate title drunk at my door ..and no one give s a hoot , not even one of the children I gave birth to are bright enough to realize or recognize the manipulation tossed their way ,not by me , but by the brainwashing of their father . When this was first mentioned to me I was astonished …I could not assimilate that my brain but now I see it

 

Sorry this blog has been interrupted by the drunk at my door …the same that crippled me  and made me unable to leave the place I once considered a labor of love …then it became a gilded cage and then it became a house of horrors ..a place where I was traumatized , terrorized for over a decade and my children did not care or were not bright enough to see …All of a sudden that nurturing hardworking mother went bonkers…not so .

 

It is my understanding most milenials have this state of mind ..more is the pity for the future

 

dysfunctional · family · Lifestyle · love · respect yourself · sanity · Uncategorized

Happy Anniversary

squanderedgiftsLeave a comment

It was 38 years ago today, that I was married for the first time. I knew it was a mistake from the start …Always trust gut instincts..they may be the only thing in this life that doesn’t lie .

Two years ago …I attempted suicide …Okay I would have succeeded but that damn vodka really through me off. I was never a drinker. More so , a health and fitness freak with 30 years of medical Knowledge behind me . I knew exactly what I was doing , as the head of cardiology stated …would have been a successful suicide, had I not taken steps to prevent it .

Sometimes,  oftentimes, life just does not pan out the way that you planned..or even close . Being someone  who was always active , on the run and with people ..already in this typing my arms are going out and fatiguing on me. They say love and emotional health has a lot to do with physical ailments . I will assume this to have some merit because one can never judge a situation unless they are in it …at least that is my take .

Sometimes people choose to end their lives because the have a terminal disease or illness  where there is no chance of a recovery . It is their preference to go out on their terms . I watched my father die a horrible death at only a few years older than I am .

It is ironic that people can be intelligent, yet not. I guess about a month my son was screaming at me that quadriplegics do more than I do . I replied “They probably have a support system or people that care”  I don’t . I bore three children and  was a good and encouraging mother . Short of anything illegal there is nothing that I would not have done for them because they were the loves of my life and I wanted them to have everything that I never had  I always taught them to give back and pay it forward , although this philosophy has not really panned out for me .

 

I am not without fault…no one is ..hopefully we learn from our mistakes . My children have all turned their backs on me because of things that I have said (although with sleepwalking and narcolepsy I was often unaware of what I may have done). What boggles my mind is that they are fine with wha their father did to me . No one bothered to check with any Doctors that what I was saying was valid and true.

Who knows why we are here. I always expected t live  a life of service to others , yet I struggle alone with mundane tasks .  I would have to surmise in the end that I was a mother of horrific proportions. According to their dad I should have committed years ago. Ironically, I can’t find one Doctor , out of many , who finds me anything other than normal…just in a bad situation . Do we have choices or is everything predestined?

dysfunctional · family · heart beat · Lifestyle · love · medical, psychological · respect yourself · sanity · self preservation · Uncategorized · Valentine's Day

Smile…while your heart is breaking

squanderedgiftsLeave a comment

One of my favorite songs ..written I believe by Charlie Chaplin and wonderfully , and sincerely, performed by Michael Jackson.

As I age , I find this slightly ironic as it is difficult to smile while your heart is breaking . Mine has been crumbling for many a year . I gave birth to three children, all of whom hate me..mainly my fault ..in part their selfishness , greed , independent spirits (which I believe I did have a large hand in fostering) . As none are speaking to me I gave their father Valentine’s Day to send and he said “This one is blank” . I replied , yea write something” and he responded “I don’t do that ” As if I did not know. I guess that would be the snarky side of me , but hey, if you have been through half of what I have been (not considering  3rd world countries as I know one of my children would take issue with this) . I am a born and bred long time New Yorker .

I think of Valentine’s Day as VD Day (snarky sense of humor) and I have not really ever had a Valentine ..barely even funny ones …I was always the card writer, gift giver but life has made me bitter  and resentful ( hey , I finally qualify for in home care and have been considered legally disabled for years now) . Not quite the way I imagined life. I am hitting 60 and for almost 44 years a gym rat ( or the past few years tried to be recouping) but numerous spinal cord injuries (not my doing) , a broken leg …checking on a broken wrist this week have left me pretty much useless .

ADVICE: Raise one dependent child who might actually be there for you …promises…promises…my son’s will become quite wealthy upon my death…my daughter ..no ..she promised to care for me and abandoned me instead

I currently have two rocking chairs in my home. I have always had at least one . How many times have rocked children to sleep in them ? Countless. I don’t know , perhaps I did not read good stories, or sang off key  for the many many hours I spent performing this with my own children , prior to their birth and thereafter . I remember my MIL yelling at me about that …about not holding my children and I replied ” That’s not really how it works in my world” (Younger pretending to be more confident self) …I clearly recall my aunts singing and rocking me as I was a child and that love carried through  a lifetime . Apparently, not with mine. Perhaps , they are more genetically predisposed to the other side (gasp). I can’t imagine .There is nothing greater in this world than love .

 

Thinking that the last time I even had a cuddle was waking up with my then 7 year old granddaughter . I know that she was  aware that I had neck injuries , but not to the extent that I did ,,,now it is the spinal cord and tributaries …Arms and legs go numb 5 minutes in ..where  sometimes can’t feel a damn thing or stand up. I am grateful for the time that I had with my first granddaughter , and the love of my life…though she will soon forget me. Even though I had many adaptions to make , we did and we had tons of fun …my heart breaks for what we had everyday. I was always there for my children and I would , and still would lay down and die for theirs because that is how great my love is …besides their parents , I am quite doubtful that anyone could have loved them more . They were my life , my joy, my sanity …

 

Sometimes the hand that you are dealt just sucks . I barely have the strength to lift my arms anymore…typo’s galore (which I despise) and I don’t have the strength to go back and fix them. Perhaps things are better as they are because I am not of much use to anyone anymore . I guess my purpose was to be there for others ..but who was there for me?

 

I have done , and said many things that are so out of character for me and it comes from a place of deep pain and hurt..because  would never t purposely hurt anyone. I know trauma, pain and abandonment all too well . I forgive too easily ..maybe there are things I prefer to forget..Best line I have heard this year “When did the abused become the abuser” Telling ???????? My spouse broke my body…my daughter broke my heart