Lifestyle · Uncategorized

Sleep Deprivation…No Joke Folks

I know in this crazy dog eat dog society ( I am from New York..which translates into go go go ) that many get by with few hours of sleep . I did that for 40 years and managed it , I thought , fairly well…Back in the 1990’s Drs that I worked with prescribed me valium to catch sleep . As the mother of three, who often worked two jobs and seven days a week I was pretty toasted at times.

I went to a sleep Dr and had a sleep study back in 2011 , I believe. What I recall about that the most was the room that you were in , which pretty screamed “hospital green “..I was hooked up to all the sleep monitors and jarred at 4:30am with a you can leave now . I asked if I had done anything super embarrassing and was assured that I had not .

Meeting with the sleep Dr afterward I was advised that I was a sleepwalker with narcolepsy. Although , the sleep walking part runs in family I dismissed it as a no way . I was told that I never stopped spasming or moving throughout that period.

Flash Forward to October 2017 where I go back to a sleep Dr . because now I have started  to sleepwalk ( and I have witnessed others doing this and it is pretty freaky, I will admit) . I have done laundry and cooked meals with no recollection of doing such.

The sleep Dr I saw last Halloween was not of much assistance.. She essentially told me to get my sleep act together , which really was not of much help .

Since then i have seen a psychiatrist who has put me on massive doses of melatonin little avail ( it worked for  a bit but not long enough. The sleep Dr had recommended three weeks of a minimum of 7 hours of sleep per night . At the time, I laughed however  I am no longer laughing .

I am not a large person, by any standards , however , what I have been advised to take should knock out a horse . Still no sleep .

I have talked to other Drs in addition to this one and they all agree that after 14 days of the sleep I have been experiencing for years you start to zone out , become incoherent etc . Do  get credit for recognizing this and that it is happening ?  I have often used the terms “stupid tired” or “fall  on my face exhausted”. What rather amazes me is the lack of direction from professionals …Seek the best and do take sleepy lightly, lightly.

family · Lifestyle

Broken…Beyond Repair and redemption (?)

Do you realize what it feels like to be entirely broken…mind , body and soul . As much as my nature leans toward empathic, I  have always stated that I knew what something felt like until I stepped , or walked , in someone else’s shoes .

I have been battling severe and complicated spinal cord damage for 12 years .It is difficult to go from being a real go getter …always on the move to the point of ” I have no function” Even those, who should be closest to you seem to not truly understand the extent of damage done . Extensive and major damage was a quote from my neurologist of almost 12 years back in May ..and there were more damages to come.

I guess being hopeful , or optimistic, or hoping that  you have good karma ,,,because you are a good person, who cares about others doesn’t really factor in the grand scheme of things .

I was pretty dragged into a surprise event in NYC the other night . Two years after I requested , that this not transpire again. I have had three new injuries since April 29, 2018.

I keep attempting to go to the gym and Physical therapy but I have had to cancel both a number of times this past month .

Do you know what it is like to have every muscle fiber and every  joint absolutely SCREAMING in pain to the point that you can no longer deal with it?  I am extremely grateful to the security guard at MSG who took me under his wing the other night …


Why is it that the person ‘who “cares about you the most ” would you even place in such a situation..10 hours travel , sitting , standing when you are incapable of doing any of those for 10-15 minutes ? I don’t understand that and I will l never claim to . Yes, I did want to see that performer , but was 5 or 6 injuries ago. It seems these days I count every as injury related ..and no one seems to understand the age , the time, the extent of the injuries . The fact , that as much as I try to fight I can no longer recoup …slip sliding away ..

Lost the most important person in my life..the one who gave me hope and joy  almost two years ago . This was due to similar pain and the realization that that individual was out of my grasp due to pain, which was excruciating . It ha snot been recommended for years that I travel as I did …what I did for love…and I will soon be a distant memory to her .

Sometimes you make some one your world and love them because they bring you the only joy that you have known in an otherwise traumatized life . I don’t wish bad Karma on anyone , but it is a  bitch

Sometimes your actions and responses are based on pain, even beyond the pain threshold of someone who has experienced it greatly …or hurt hurt , When you come to the realization that the people who care the most, actually care the least

family · Lifestyle · respect yourself · sanity · Uncategorized

Feeding Your Heart and Soul

A steady diet of feeding your heart and soul is just as imperative as feeding your body. Perhaps more so . Anyone who knows me , knows that I have a voracious appetite and I often wonder why .

I don’t think my children realize the extent to which they fed my heart and soul. I could not have loved them. Perhaps I could have loved them better but I was a working mother of three ..sometimes holding down two jobs ..working seven days a week and still trying to fit in motivation , education and time together. It was not easy . My (former ) daughter asked me years ago how I did it and I honestly replied “I don’t know, I just did ” because I wanted the best for them and they are all successful in their own rights . I wanted them to have the lives and opportunities that passed me by and I made that my mission as a mother .

They are all off and on their own July 2009 a baby girl was born with the ear of a fairy , and I was called upon to take care of her for lengths of time , which I never minded , because I adore children, but I adored her most of all because the love was reciprocated . For seven years that child fed my heart and soul and was EVERYTHING to me . She has siblings but I don’t really know them and they don’t know me.

As many may be aware , I have extremely severe medical conditions, the least of which is spinal cord injuries since 2008 , over and over . I spent 11 years in physical therapy ( I just returned after a break) I am a fighter . My Diagnosis in 2006 was eventual quadriplegia ..I also have two bleeding disorders, one of which I found out recently was a  form of hemophilia. That might explain those multiple experiences of hemorrhagic episode and , yet< I was trying to be such a devoted mother that I recall making cupcakes for Valentine’s Day for my daughter’s class….one of my sons on my hips and clenching my legs together due to hemorrhage. There is not much I would not do for them (I draw the line at illegal ..why I left my long time high paying job) .

I have been seeing the same neurologist for almost 12 years ..every 2-3 months since 2006 to monitor my strength and progress , or lack there of . He is one of the top Neurologist’s at a top Hospital in the USA  but his hands are tied . NO epidural injections surgery EMG’s with direct needle sticks into my neck or spine.  I know that he has seen the light dim from my eyes over the years . As he stated to me in May of this year ” So many injuries (accidental , of course ) much extensive damage” . I have fought a long battle with this ..there are days that I am at the gym and I feel like giving up, but I push myself  although my inspiration is gone .

I fought to be there for my fairy princess , and comrade in fun but she is out of reach  and LOL my children never really did speak to my DR ..and he tried to reach one of them …I was injured, more severely three years ago and I have never recovered . In fact , I have had further injuries ,. June 4th of this year ..seems to have affected C1-2 . To state that I am not frightened would be a lie because that is pretty much death

I attempted suicide a year and  a half ago ..February 13, 2017 ..why (?) many may ask  Because I was number 1 in my both my pre-med and US classes ..and had 30 years experience working in the medical field . Because I know how severe my spinal condition is some one who has worked out for 40+ years , I know my body ….I know it was done and that was before two injuries ( not my doing) on April 29 and June 4, 2018 , which made me leery of getting in a car with any other driver..and I am limited . That incident on June 4th seems to have affected the use of my right arm..dominant arm and my left side is severely nerve damaged . However, again , I digress ..Once upon a time my  (former )  daughter said ” I thought your Drs all hated you” To which I responded ” Where did you ever get that impression?”  When I attempted suicide ( i really think the vodka messed me up as I was never a drinker …empty calories ) the Head of Cardiology at our local Hospital ( which is also not rated as shabby) stayed by my side the entire time that I was in the Emergency Room  ( he later told me you knew what the hell you were doing) ..My Dr’s actually hold a great respect for me and what I have been through and endured . Physical condition and strong mind have been credited to my survival , and that is years in the running .

I do not believe that my children will ever truly know what I have endured , and how hard I fought ..because I loved one little girl so much  I would die for her , as I would have died for them ..She was taken from me and no one realizes how severely disabled I am ( at least  not my family ) Drs have made attempts to reach out for years to little avail

if you really knew me , I may be one of the most loving selfless people you may ever know ..but I am uber tolerant and gullible and easily discarded appears ..and all the while I begged ..Hurt me ..I know a lifetime of it ..but please do not hurt a child …ignored granddaughter is better off believing that I am dead , rather than the fact that I may have abandoned, or no longer love her?

When you lose the capacity to enjoy any hobbies..when you are in pain 24/7 for years..when you sleep deprived due to that you do begin to give up . Music can feed my soul but that is off limits as well, unless I am driving ..the few that I can . Without heart and should food you will wither away


medical, psychological · respect yourself · Uncategorized

Happy Birthday America ..Red Flags Part Deux

First of all..Happy Birthday to the USA ..may we always enjoy the freedom that we do , in comparison to many other cultures due to our forefathers . As I write this Ancestry DNA informs me that I am 70% English / United Kingdom .

Red Flag.

What I wou..when apparently the cashiers at  the local grocery store are more aware of your marital status / relationship than you are (?) Huge Red Flag . All I can think, since I learned of this , if you say the things that you have to what I can assume are pretty much strangers ..what do you say to the people we know??? A friend who will not be identified informed me of this late last week, and I don’t what to think .

Perhaps it is not the best idea to discuss relationships, or anything  else, with your BFF , who has apparently been diagnosed with a severe condition of the mental variety ( His sibling has been committed for life  due to a similar disorder) .

What I would say  as I did to my therapist yesterday ,and what my thought bubble is screaming ) perhaps if you had spent one iota of the time that you did apparently bitching about me to strangers . Had there been any open communication etc ..there may have been a chance .

Moral here : if there is a major lack of communication ..walk on by ..Partners.which I still believe marriage is about should have the capacity to do that openly and honestly …sigh..and my family thinks I am crazy ..Just crazed from attempting to deal with it .


d Carl Schlicker #stop&shop

medical, psychological · respect yourself · sanity · self preservation

Red Flags

As I have mentioned , or referenced earlier, there are many red flags to watch for ..or just listen to your gut because it does not lie, unlike many you may encounter in a lifetime I age I realize that many sayings that we blow off, myself included, have merit .

Trust your gut is number one ..if you meet some one and the “pick up line ” has your thought bubble immediately responding to “what a jerk”…odds are he is likely a jerk

When you meet someone , who has actively dated your sister for years ( although according to him, they never really did) and he grabs your ass in a bar , while on a date with your sister ..who might wish to question why sister did not speak to me for two years ..I told her introducing me was payback in spades .

When you are informed ” I could have purchased that , now worth 500K home for 80K , but I was worried that I would not have enough beer money ..proceed to the exit ..quickly

When you move in with someone, in a committed relationship, yet they still barhop at least 3-4 nights a week without you ..not a positive sign

When you make impromptu home stops at your SO home , during business hours ,and they are asleep , during the day due to the aforementioned bar hopping …bad sign

When they say ” Have you ever seen a match burn twice?” and you reply “”that’s not possible  and they proceed to light a match , blow it out and then stick it on your hand. You may be thinking WTF??? I was , at the time, but that abbreviation was non-existent at the time . Gentleman would put the hot match on his own hand. A true gentleman would not even think of doing that .

When you are asked “Why can’t your eyes be blue?” I happen to love my brown eyes and so apparently does Van Morrison . I never asked “Why don’t you have  a six pack” because I did . Exercise has been a vital part of my life for 44 years. If someone believes that you are “less than” don’t buy what they are selling . Do not put yourself on the clearance rack

When your mother in law ( not the warmest , or kindest  person, informs you that “he had the nicest girlfriend for five years but he treated her like Garbage..ordering her about etc ..RUN

When your father advises you that ” you are being led down the garden path” you may not know what that means but trust your dad on that

When their mother, who was as cold as Leo DiCapriono ended up at the end of Titanic) tells you that he dated a very nice girl for many years , but expected her to be a servant and wait on him..DON’T

When you pregnant with their child and they hit you ..Done. When they do that and their stands by with a smirk..double done…that is pretty twisted

Signs of gambling or alcohol addiction ? Not getting better . When your first impression is ” I don’t date alcoholics” trust yourself

When you are expected to do the “lion’s share of work” , bring in the income, take care of the house , the children when you sometimes work 7 days a week ..that is tough me on that one and you will never regret it . If you question yourself and what you have to offer please contact me.

I desire nothing more to help others

If there is anything questionable involving the Police

If you are injured..Call the Police on the spot

If there is a temper …there will always be . You do not need that as you age..your blood pressure will double .

Any ACT which you are uncomfortable with , or is intended to degrade you …twisted minds should seek like ..”.normal ” people should look for like individuals . Do not let anyone make your perform actions to “stay safe” . Take action and make sure that you are safe


Ultimately, if you are not wise and  the trusting sort was actually mentioned to me recently that I was gullible and which I responded ” Seems to have worked out well for you “. You can lose all that you value and cherish ..Do not let Happen to you ..I did  and as I stated to a therapist the other day ” When I was teenager dreaming of my future I could never have phathomed the nightmare that my life would become”


Lifestyle · Uncategorized

Don’t Waste Your Empathy

Do not waste your empathy on a soul, whom you may believe to be troubled or to have possibly suffered a horrific childhood , particularly if they have the tendency to lie (a lot).

It is so ironic to me that that a five year old asked a certain someone a few weeks ago why “they made up so many things and lied so much?” and all I could think was “out of the mouths of babes” because I know one such person and , trust me your empathy is lost , wasted and used against you. Do not fall into the trap that I did . Memories are skewed, especially childhood memories . Things have been said to me recently where I just feel sad and think what the hell, really?

Yesterday, I suffered what I hope will not end up being the “ultimate injury” . Due to spinal cord injuries which are various but the worst ones transpired in 2013 and 2015.  Nice trip ( albeit quite cold) down the shore yesterday . Spouse convinced/ harassed son into taking a certain lane which turned out to be problematic  ( and which makes me contemplate how conditioned we all are to this individual’s suggestions, complaints , jokes,)which come across as jokes ) but they truly are not …It as admitted to me me yesterday morning that this person is a control freak ( as if I were unaware)

I have problems ..major ones ..sitting in cars and traveling , even an hour or so since “an accident” almost three years ago . I did state, as I have stated numerous times , that it might take me a while to be able to walk inside . I stayed within reach of the car, as I always do because I know that my balance is sketchy and my capacity to walk is often limited . Yesterday, said person thought I was falling and grabbed me HARD by the right bicep..I admit, that I started to cry because the pain shot through my arm, shoulders, necks , scapula, clavicle, etc. I should have called the Police then and there ..I was injured and I knew it and this is not a new concept to me.

That same person has been at countless rest stops with me before and never paid attention, so why today..the day preceding your last day of work, which we never decided on as a couple ..IDK isn’t being a couple about partnership and making joint decisions? I thought it was .

I did a trial run and I can’t even drive around the block a few times. I had very limited use of my left arm and now my right arm appears to be shot .. I am so tired of Drs , of injuries and of “accidents” .

Please call the police and file charges ALWAYS . I know how frightening this concept is and encourage anyone to reach out to me but , at the end of the day ..your children may think that you are the most abusive , unloving parent ever ..they may see what is not reality and you are left unable to do a damn thing about your situation because your function has been removed, your mind has been battered…Please do not let yourself arrive at that station

If you believe that you were in a problematic situation before have no idea what lies ahead ..hindsight is 20/20

I am here to help , in whatever capacity that I can

Lifestyle · medical, psychological · Uncategorized

Psych ward (don’t knock it if you have not tried it)

Back in February ..February 13th to be exact , I attempted suicide and then thought better of it . I will not tell you the gory details as my cardiologist told me in the ER “You knew what you were doing”…


This is a point in my life where I have serious injuries and disabilities . I am on an amount of medication, which is more than I am comfortable with . I spent Christmas with my former daughter and grandchildren ( she disowned me the day after Christmas Happy New year to me) …Christmas Night I was asked to babysit 5 children. I was in agony and I will say I may blame my former therapist , who said to me your level of pain is extremely apparent and your children had no idea??? Okay maybe they do not have an idea , or they just did not care …mom is there for whatever . I begged off early the day after Christmas. Driving home , as passenger I was in such excruciating pain that all I wanted to do was open the car door and roll out onto the Turnpike . It was along ride .


Upon arriving home, I made an epic faux pas…I got on Social Media and tagged my co -laws and I received a text from my former daughter addressed with the verbiage What the Fuck ( I have never addressed my parents in this manner . Spouse immediately informed me that I was disowned ( which has transpired before due to her mercurial moods and my former SIL’s desire to be loved by his parent’s) as if I do not have enough problems of my me ..I do on that day Drop and Run Mom Died . My only , and biggest regret is my oldest granddaughter , who was quite close to me ..despite by daughter stating ..she has a grandmother she sees once a year who means as much to her …what a jerk, really , but she cheated on her spouse so what do you expect ?


So finally in February, I came to the conclusion that my body was toasted repair in sight former daughter was ripping my heart out by moving to Florida , where she was very aware that I would not see my grandchildren anymore … after all that I have been through …This broke me ..finally ..I was never permitted to see my grandchildren to the family pet ..too hazardous(?)  More on that later , but I am not the one who abused those children ..I pray for my granddaughter every day even though I am not quite that religious .


On February 13th I mixed pills with Vodka ( the first time I have ever had hard alcohol ..I have never had a shot ..jello shot’s etc) I did do a trial run the day prior. I never expected to feel so odd and therefore I pulled myself back (no gory details) and called 911 . I was in the local hospital for 3 days under suicide watch . I must have amused my watcher’s as they eventually stopped following me 24/7 and left me alone ..when I left they gave me clothing , hugs , kisses..always told the next shift..”nothing wrong with her , you will laugh for the next 8 hours”

So then I was being committed to a psych ward and I have never had anything beyond two parking tickets 40 years ago so yes ..quite out of my element .


What was interesting , after my initial panic and blood pressure elevating to 200/100 were the people that I came into contact with…from the staff the patient’s

Initially , I was terrified but that was mainly as my spouse informed me that my children thought that I should be committed for life , and that I had no control over the situation . Bless my youngest , for offering to fly out immediately , and for contacting the staff before I even arrived.

So after I “got over ” the initial body/cavity search and my first group meetings I actually had a great time . I was able to see and speak to others for the first time in a long time.

Spent much time speaking to the staff , quite a few of whom pulled me aside with such comments as “Why are you here” . ” I thought you an employee in training . I was shocked to learn you were a patient ” ” Hugs and Kisses , love you smart ass and God Speed”.

From the patient point of view ..I made a number of friends . My background is medical and caring, so again the staff applauded me for how much time I spent catering to other’s needs. How kind and friendly I was …etc etc


When I initially arrived , I was floored , and hence the massive uptake in BP when I realized that others actually do hear voices in their head which direct them. I had in depth relationships and conversations with these people diagnosed as being bipolar ,a s my daughter had given me the same Diagnosis ( she has no professional skills in that arena) . But me being me , I wanted to know . I can assure you that I am not bipolar .

Towards the end of my journey , an extremely affable young male came in . We were playing scrabble and afterwards I asked him ” what he was in for ?” He had numerous cuts on his body , most noticeable on his arms and I joked “Fight with a Tiger?” to which he responded ” I cut myself and hurt myself because I am inclined to hurt the people that I love and I would rather hurt myself” What do you say to that , really? All I stated was ” I give you much credit for realizing that you have an anger issue ( he had admitted this ) and that he was addressing it rather than putting those he loved in danger” I wonder how he made out ..


me ..not committed for life ..not even close ..walked out with the same dx that I walked in with ..severe anxiety ..PTSD 😦

Lifestyle · Uncategorized

I Love You ..I Worry

I love you ..I worry . Oft spoken words , generally uttered in an  apologetic tone .. I can clearly recall the days that I , in my naivitee’,  believed that once you were past  the stage where tiny fingers  could find their way into electrical sockets , or that little legs could empower themselves into the street that there would be smooth sailing ahead, and less worry involved . WRONG!!!

In this age of technology  where cell phones have become de absolutely panicked does one become when their child does not answer their cell phone? ( Originally written in 2005)

Yes , I did panic ..a lot ..when my children spoke to strangers ( once a neighbor had my middle son (3) in the shade of a tree at the edge of our property , and yes, I went out and scolded him ..the neighbor, for doing so as he could have been attempting to entice my son and I had no clue) . We reside in a very safe area in the US however Uber moms worry a lot and we ended up having a pedophile living down the street in years to come .

Stalking Sleepovers ..yes I have …although I worked a minimum of 40+ hours a week I am absolutely guilty of driving and sitting outside another parent’s home quite late at night , in my jammies , as my daughter was invited to a sleepover for people who were new in town, renting , and from a different state …this is cause for mama drama

Playing with Guns…Nothing can quite inspire panic within an Uber mom more than discussing the days events and a playdate with your child , who has informed you that the played ” with his father’s gun” ..I never allowed my child back in that home and did question every parent thereafter , whether they had fire arms in their homes ‘

Hopsital (ER ) Trips ..Suffice it to say , that my son’s were taken to the ER fairly frequently  and both had facial plastic surgery by their second birthday’s .

On the first , I was working ( 10 hour Tuesday) when my spouse had my 6 yo call me about an Emergency involving my child ( way to have your heart lodged in your throat ) . Ironically , said child had an abscess on his lip and I took him to work ( where we did an occlusal film) to see if there were  remnants of a foreign object in his lip . There was and , after much ribbing and you are paranoid ..blah blah blah, I did take him back to plastic surgeon who confirmed that there was actually a wood chunk left in his lip . On the second, I was chastised for having a garage sale as my youngest ran into a desk and cut his nose . This ruined our vacation in VA that year ..A recurrent theme is that I can never do anything right :(…EVER The second ran into a desk at a garage sale and cut his nose fault .It ruined our vacation in VA that year …What I have learned is EVERYTHING is my fault

I am responsible for all that has transpired wrong in this world.. My abject apologies to my offspring for offering you no love …no inspiration…no empathy …no support. I was the most Epic failure as a mother




Welcome to my world

Day one. I was born in Sleepy Hollow New York on a Sunday Morning at 7:48 am . What I will recall most about that day is that my mother always told me about how she missed 8AM Sunday Mass . I have long considered this as the start of the cloud that would forever hang  over my head, and earthly soul. Once upon a time, I was a very viable and attractive soul with many talents, which I refer to as gifts , because is that not what they are ? This is a dark tale about a female , who , despite all this, had no faith in herself and squandered , not only her gifts, but herself , on someone (S) who were quite abusive and demeaning and crushed her heart and soul. Look out for the red flags because they are flying (furiously) if you heed their warning. I would, strongly suggest, that you heed their warning . If something does not feel right in your gut , odds are it isn’t so follow your gut and your head because the heart can be mislead