#disability · #motherhood · acceptance · dysfunctional · family · medical, psychological · sanity · self preservation

Trying to accept disability

I know that many have struggled with this and overcome it Six years have gone by and despite the 13 years spent in PT I think too damage has been done…

 

What bites you is that you have fought , long and hard ..that there are no bruises .It is all spinal cord related…a grab ..slamming on the brakes .It does not leave marks, just damage .

I worked out for 44 years . According to Drs had it not been for my physical fitness , prior and mental tenacity I should have been in a wheelchair 8 years ago and I continue to fight but I often why . My family does not care so I am alone in this . I cannot do anion of what I did three years ago.

 

I went through Heaven and Hell for my children but where have they been for me / Jeez just typing this exhausting ..my arms don’t really  function ..

 

Trying to come to acceptance is difficult …will take any advice

#motherhood · AA · dysfunctional · medical, psychological · respect yourself · sanity · self preservation · Uncategorized

Broken , Damaged , Destroyed

whelp if you want anyone to destroy your life I can make a suggestion  . “Piss job’s ” pardon my French outdoors in open venues . I refuse ..Either my children are really lacking in intellect or they don’t care ..at all ..Where were you A all those years your father abused your mother in front of your eyes ??? Blind

To my daughter , who promised to care for me ..I will well used to broken promises …being terrorized, traumatized etc as I am certain you are well aware ..

 

To m youngest , who cares the most ..the meek will inherit the earth ..something I lived by in my young years because I was quite meek and kind .

 

Talking to people in detox and again wondering why my children never intervened while their father is still a horrible alcoholic . I cannot even imagine someone having a more nasty , derogatory personality …

 

I don’t know why I protect people who don’t deserve it  But I am done with that .

 

I never drank in my life but I became, I believe and alcoholic trying to deal with one …Don’t Make the same mistake I did..If your gut says something is off Run like Hell

dysfunctional · family · heart beat · Lifestyle · love · medical, psychological · respect yourself · sanity · self preservation · Uncategorized · Valentine's Day

Smile…while your heart is breaking

One of my favorite songs ..written I believe by Charlie Chaplin and wonderfully , and sincerely, performed by Michael Jackson.

As I age , I find this slightly ironic as it is difficult to smile while your heart is breaking . Mine has been crumbling for many a year . I gave birth to three children, all of whom hate me..mainly my fault ..in part their selfishness , greed , independent spirits (which I believe I did have a large hand in fostering) . As none are speaking to me I gave their father Valentine’s Day to send and he said “This one is blank” . I replied , yea write something” and he responded “I don’t do that ” As if I did not know. I guess that would be the snarky side of me , but hey, if you have been through half of what I have been (not considering  3rd world countries as I know one of my children would take issue with this) . I am a born and bred long time New Yorker .

I think of Valentine’s Day as VD Day (snarky sense of humor) and I have not really ever had a Valentine ..barely even funny ones …I was always the card writer, gift giver but life has made me bitter  and resentful ( hey , I finally qualify for in home care and have been considered legally disabled for years now) . Not quite the way I imagined life. I am hitting 60 and for almost 44 years a gym rat ( or the past few years tried to be recouping) but numerous spinal cord injuries (not my doing) , a broken leg …checking on a broken wrist this week have left me pretty much useless .

ADVICE: Raise one dependent child who might actually be there for you …promises…promises…my son’s will become quite wealthy upon my death…my daughter ..no ..she promised to care for me and abandoned me instead

I currently have two rocking chairs in my home. I have always had at least one . How many times have rocked children to sleep in them ? Countless. I don’t know , perhaps I did not read good stories, or sang off key  for the many many hours I spent performing this with my own children , prior to their birth and thereafter . I remember my MIL yelling at me about that …about not holding my children and I replied ” That’s not really how it works in my world” (Younger pretending to be more confident self) …I clearly recall my aunts singing and rocking me as I was a child and that love carried through  a lifetime . Apparently, not with mine. Perhaps , they are more genetically predisposed to the other side (gasp). I can’t imagine .There is nothing greater in this world than love .

 

Thinking that the last time I even had a cuddle was waking up with my then 7 year old granddaughter . I know that she was  aware that I had neck injuries , but not to the extent that I did ,,,now it is the spinal cord and tributaries …Arms and legs go numb 5 minutes in ..where  sometimes can’t feel a damn thing or stand up. I am grateful for the time that I had with my first granddaughter , and the love of my life…though she will soon forget me. Even though I had many adaptions to make , we did and we had tons of fun …my heart breaks for what we had everyday. I was always there for my children and I would , and still would lay down and die for theirs because that is how great my love is …besides their parents , I am quite doubtful that anyone could have loved them more . They were my life , my joy, my sanity …

 

Sometimes the hand that you are dealt just sucks . I barely have the strength to lift my arms anymore…typo’s galore (which I despise) and I don’t have the strength to go back and fix them. Perhaps things are better as they are because I am not of much use to anyone anymore . I guess my purpose was to be there for others ..but who was there for me?

 

I have done , and said many things that are so out of character for me and it comes from a place of deep pain and hurt..because  would never t purposely hurt anyone. I know trauma, pain and abandonment all too well . I forgive too easily ..maybe there are things I prefer to forget..Best line I have heard this year “When did the abused become the abuser” Telling ???????? My spouse broke my body…my daughter broke my heart

medical, psychological · respect yourself · Uncategorized

Happy Birthday America ..Red Flags Part Deux

First of all..Happy Birthday to the USA ..may we always enjoy the freedom that we do , in comparison to many other cultures due to our forefathers . As I write this Ancestry DNA informs me that I am 70% English / United Kingdom .

Red Flag.

What I wou..when apparently the cashiers at  the local grocery store are more aware of your marital status / relationship than you are (?) Huge Red Flag . All I can think, since I learned of this , if you say the things that you have to what I can assume are pretty much strangers ..what do you say to the people we know??? A friend who will not be identified informed me of this late last week, and I don’t what to think .

Perhaps it is not the best idea to discuss relationships, or anything  else, with your BFF , who has apparently been diagnosed with a severe condition of the mental variety ( His sibling has been committed for life  due to a similar disorder) .

What I would say  as I did to my therapist yesterday ,and what my thought bubble is screaming ) perhaps if you had spent one iota of the time that you did apparently bitching about me to strangers . Had there been any open communication etc ..there may have been a chance .

Moral here : if there is a major lack of communication ..walk on by ..Partners.which I still believe marriage is about should have the capacity to do that openly and honestly …sigh..and my family thinks I am crazy ..Just crazed from attempting to deal with it .

 

d Carl Schlicker #stop&shop

medical, psychological · respect yourself · sanity · self preservation

Red Flags

As I have mentioned , or referenced earlier, there are many red flags to watch for ..or just listen to your gut because it does not lie, unlike many you may encounter in a lifetime ..as I age I realize that many sayings that we blow off, myself included, have merit .

Trust your gut is number one ..if you meet some one and the “pick up line ” has your thought bubble immediately responding to “what a jerk”…odds are he is likely a jerk

When you meet someone , who has actively dated your sister for years ( although according to him, they never really did) and he grabs your ass in a bar , while on a date with your sister ..who might wish to question why ..my sister did not speak to me for two years ..I told her introducing me was payback in spades .

When you are informed ” I could have purchased that , now worth 500K home for 80K , but I was worried that I would not have enough beer money ..proceed to the exit ..quickly

When you move in with someone, in a committed relationship, yet they still barhop at least 3-4 nights a week without you ..not a positive sign

When you make impromptu home stops at your SO home , during business hours ,and they are asleep , during the day due to the aforementioned bar hopping …bad sign

When they say ” Have you ever seen a match burn twice?” and you reply “”that’s not possible  and they proceed to light a match , blow it out and then stick it on your hand. You may be thinking WTF??? I was , at the time, but that abbreviation was non-existent at the time . Gentleman would put the hot match on his own hand. A true gentleman would not even think of doing that .

When you are asked “Why can’t your eyes be blue?” I happen to love my brown eyes and so apparently does Van Morrison . I never asked “Why don’t you have  a six pack” because I did . Exercise has been a vital part of my life for 44 years. If someone believes that you are “less than” don’t buy what they are selling . Do not put yourself on the clearance rack

When your mother in law ( not the warmest , or kindest  person, informs you that “he had the nicest girlfriend for five years but he treated her like Garbage..ordering her about etc ..RUN

When your father advises you that ” you are being led down the garden path” you may not know what that means but trust your dad on that

When their mother, who was as cold as Leo DiCapriono ended up at the end of Titanic) tells you that he dated a very nice girl for many years , but expected her to be a servant and wait on him..DON’T

When you pregnant with their child and they hit you ..Done. When they do that and their stands by with a smirk..double done…that is pretty twisted

Signs of gambling or alcohol addiction ? Not getting better . When your first impression is ” I don’t date alcoholics” trust yourself

When you are expected to do the “lion’s share of work” , bring in the income, take care of the house , the children when you sometimes work 7 days a week ..that is tough  ..trust me on that one and you will never regret it . If you question yourself and what you have to offer please contact me.

I desire nothing more to help others

If there is anything questionable involving children..call the Police

If you are injured..Call the Police on the spot

If there is a temper …there will always be . You do not need that as you age..your blood pressure will double .

Any ACT which you are uncomfortable with , or is intended to degrade you …twisted minds should seek like ..”.normal ” people should look for like individuals . Do not let anyone make your perform actions to “stay safe” . Take action and make sure that you are safe

 

Ultimately, if you are not wise and  the trusting sort ..it was actually mentioned to me recently that I was gullible and naive..to which I responded ” Seems to have worked out well for you “. You can lose all that you value and cherish ..Do not let Happen to you ..I did  and as I stated to a therapist the other day ” When I was teenager dreaming of my future I could never have phathomed the nightmare that my life would become”

 

Lifestyle · medical, psychological · Uncategorized

Psych ward (don’t knock it if you have not tried it)

Back in February ..February 13th to be exact , I attempted suicide and then thought better of it . I will not tell you the gory details as my cardiologist told me in the ER “You knew what you were doing”…

 

This is a point in my life where I have serious injuries and disabilities . I am on an amount of medication, which is more than I am comfortable with . I spent Christmas with my former daughter and grandchildren ( she disowned me the day after Christmas ..so Happy New year to me) …Christmas Night I was asked to babysit 5 children. I was in agony and I will say I may blame my former therapist , who said to me your level of pain is extremely apparent and your children had no idea??? Okay maybe they do not have an idea , or they just did not care …mom is there for whatever . I begged off early the day after Christmas. Driving home , as passenger I was in such excruciating pain that all I wanted to do was open the car door and roll out onto the Turnpike . It was along ride .

 

Upon arriving home, I made an epic faux pas…I got on Social Media and tagged my co -laws and I received a text from my former daughter addressed with the verbiage What the Fuck ( I have never addressed my parents in this manner . Spouse immediately informed me that I was disowned ( which has transpired before due to her mercurial moods and my former SIL’s desire to be loved by his parent’s) as if I do not have enough problems of my own..trust me ..I do ..so on that day Drop and Run Mom Died . My only , and biggest regret is my oldest granddaughter , who was quite close to me ..despite by daughter stating ..she has a grandmother she sees once a year who means as much to her …what a jerk, really , but she cheated on her spouse so what do you expect ?

 

So finally in February, I came to the conclusion that my body was toasted ..no repair in sight ..my former daughter was ripping my heart out by moving to Florida , where she was very aware that I would not see my grandchildren anymore … after all that I have been through …This broke me ..finally ..I was never permitted to see my grandchildren to the family pet ..too hazardous(?)  More on that later , but I am not the one who abused those children ..I pray for my granddaughter every day even though I am not quite that religious .

 

On February 13th I mixed pills with Vodka ( the first time I have ever had hard alcohol ..I have never had a shot ..jello shot’s etc) I did do a trial run the day prior. I never expected to feel so odd and therefore I pulled myself back (no gory details) and called 911 . I was in the local hospital for 3 days under suicide watch . I must have amused my watcher’s as they eventually stopped following me 24/7 and left me alone ..when I left they gave me clothing , hugs , kisses..always told the next shift..”nothing wrong with her , you will laugh for the next 8 hours”

So then I was being committed to a psych ward and I have never had anything beyond two parking tickets 40 years ago so yes ..quite out of my element .

 

What was interesting , after my initial panic and blood pressure elevating to 200/100 were the people that I came into contact with…from the staff ..to the patient’s

Initially , I was terrified but that was mainly as my spouse informed me that my children thought that I should be committed for life , and that I had no control over the situation . Bless my youngest , for offering to fly out immediately , and for contacting the staff before I even arrived.

So after I “got over ” the initial body/cavity search and my first group meetings I actually had a great time . I was able to see and speak to others for the first time in a long time.

Spent much time speaking to the staff , quite a few of whom pulled me aside with such comments as “Why are you here” . ” I thought you an employee in training . I was shocked to learn you were a patient ” ” Hugs and Kisses , love you smart ass and God Speed”.

From the patient point of view ..I made a number of friends . My background is medical and caring, so again the staff applauded me for how much time I spent catering to other’s needs. How kind and friendly I was …etc etc

 

When I initially arrived , I was floored , and hence the massive uptake in BP when I realized that others actually do hear voices in their head which direct them. I had in depth relationships and conversations with these people diagnosed as being bipolar ,a s my daughter had given me the same Diagnosis ( she has no professional skills in that arena) . But me being me , I wanted to know . I can assure you that I am not bipolar .

Towards the end of my journey , an extremely affable young male came in . We were playing scrabble and afterwards I asked him ” what he was in for ?” He had numerous cuts on his body , most noticeable on his arms and I joked “Fight with a Tiger?” to which he responded ” I cut myself and hurt myself because I am inclined to hurt the people that I love and I would rather hurt myself” What do you say to that , really? All I stated was ” I give you much credit for realizing that you have an anger issue ( he had admitted this ) and that he was addressing it rather than putting those he loved in danger” I wonder how he made out ..

 

me ..not committed for life ..not even close ..walked out with the same dx that I walked in with ..severe anxiety ..PTSD 😦