Lifestyle · Uncategorized

Don’t Waste Your Empathy

Do not waste your empathy on a soul, whom you may believe to be troubled or to have possibly suffered a horrific childhood , particularly if they have the tendency to lie (a lot).

It is so ironic to me that that a five year old asked a certain someone a few weeks ago why “they made up so many things and lied so much?” and all I could think was “out of the mouths of babes” because I know one such person and , trust me your empathy is lost , wasted and used against you. Do not fall into the trap that I did . Memories are skewed, especially childhood memories . Things have been said to me recently where I just feel sad and think what the hell, really?

Yesterday, I suffered what I hope will not end up being the “ultimate injury” . Due to spinal cord injuries which are various but the worst ones transpired in 2013 and 2015.  Nice trip ( albeit quite cold) down the shore yesterday . Spouse convinced/ harassed son into taking a certain lane which turned out to be problematic  ( and which makes me contemplate how conditioned we all are to this individual’s suggestions, complaints , jokes,)which come across as jokes ) but they truly are not …It as admitted to me me yesterday morning that this person is a control freak ( as if I were unaware)

I have problems ..major ones ..sitting in cars and traveling , even an hour or so since “an accident” almost three years ago . I did state, as I have stated numerous times , that it might take me a while to be able to walk inside . I stayed within reach of the car, as I always do because I know that my balance is sketchy and my capacity to walk is often limited . Yesterday, said person thought I was falling and grabbed me HARD by the right bicep..I admit, that I started to cry because the pain shot through my arm, shoulders, necks , scapula, clavicle, etc. I should have called the Police then and there ..I was injured and I knew it and this is not a new concept to me.

That same person has been at countless rest stops with me before and never paid attention, so why today..the day preceding your last day of work, which we never decided on as a couple ..IDK isn’t being a couple about partnership and making joint decisions? I thought it was .

I did a trial run and I can’t even drive around the block a few times. I had very limited use of my left arm and now my right arm appears to be shot .. I am so tired of Drs , of injuries and of “accidents” .

Please call the police and file charges ALWAYS . I know how frightening this concept is and encourage anyone to reach out to me but , at the end of the day ..your children may think that you are the most abusive , unloving parent ever ..they may see what is not reality and you are left unable to do a damn thing about your situation because your function has been removed, your mind has been battered…Please do not let yourself arrive at that station

If you believe that you were in a problematic situation before ..you have no idea what lies ahead ..hindsight is 20/20

I am here to help , in whatever capacity that I can

Lifestyle · medical, psychological · Uncategorized

Psych ward (don’t knock it if you have not tried it)

Back in February ..February 13th to be exact , I attempted suicide and then thought better of it . I will not tell you the gory details as my cardiologist told me in the ER “You knew what you were doing”…

 

This is a point in my life where I have serious injuries and disabilities . I am on an amount of medication, which is more than I am comfortable with . I spent Christmas with my former daughter and grandchildren ( she disowned me the day after Christmas ..so Happy New year to me) …Christmas Night I was asked to babysit 5 children. I was in agony and I will say I may blame my former therapist , who said to me your level of pain is extremely apparent and your children had no idea??? Okay maybe they do not have an idea , or they just did not care …mom is there for whatever . I begged off early the day after Christmas. Driving home , as passenger I was in such excruciating pain that all I wanted to do was open the car door and roll out onto the Turnpike . It was along ride .

 

Upon arriving home, I made an epic faux pas…I got on Social Media and tagged my co -laws and I received a text from my former daughter addressed with the verbiage What the Fuck ( I have never addressed my parents in this manner . Spouse immediately informed me that I was disowned ( which has transpired before due to her mercurial moods and my former SIL’s desire to be loved by his parent’s) as if I do not have enough problems of my own..trust me ..I do ..so on that day Drop and Run Mom Died . My only , and biggest regret is my oldest granddaughter , who was quite close to me ..despite by daughter stating ..she has a grandmother she sees once a year who means as much to her …what a jerk, really , but she cheated on her spouse so what do you expect ?

 

So finally in February, I came to the conclusion that my body was toasted ..no repair in sight ..my former daughter was ripping my heart out by moving to Florida , where she was very aware that I would not see my grandchildren anymore … after all that I have been through …This broke me ..finally ..I was never permitted to see my grandchildren to the family pet ..too hazardous(?)  More on that later , but I am not the one who abused those children ..I pray for my granddaughter every day even though I am not quite that religious .

 

On February 13th I mixed pills with Vodka ( the first time I have ever had hard alcohol ..I have never had a shot ..jello shot’s etc) I did do a trial run the day prior. I never expected to feel so odd and therefore I pulled myself back (no gory details) and called 911 . I was in the local hospital for 3 days under suicide watch . I must have amused my watcher’s as they eventually stopped following me 24/7 and left me alone ..when I left they gave me clothing , hugs , kisses..always told the next shift..”nothing wrong with her , you will laugh for the next 8 hours”

So then I was being committed to a psych ward and I have never had anything beyond two parking tickets 40 years ago so yes ..quite out of my element .

 

What was interesting , after my initial panic and blood pressure elevating to 200/100 were the people that I came into contact with…from the staff ..to the patient’s

Initially , I was terrified but that was mainly as my spouse informed me that my children thought that I should be committed for life , and that I had no control over the situation . Bless my youngest , for offering to fly out immediately , and for contacting the staff before I even arrived.

So after I “got over ” the initial body/cavity search and my first group meetings I actually had a great time . I was able to see and speak to others for the first time in a long time.

Spent much time speaking to the staff , quite a few of whom pulled me aside with such comments as “Why are you here” . ” I thought you an employee in training . I was shocked to learn you were a patient ” ” Hugs and Kisses , love you smart ass and God Speed”.

From the patient point of view ..I made a number of friends . My background is medical and caring, so again the staff applauded me for how much time I spent catering to other’s needs. How kind and friendly I was …etc etc

 

When I initially arrived , I was floored , and hence the massive uptake in BP when I realized that others actually do hear voices in their head which direct them. I had in depth relationships and conversations with these people diagnosed as being bipolar ,a s my daughter had given me the same Diagnosis ( she has no professional skills in that arena) . But me being me , I wanted to know . I can assure you that I am not bipolar .

Towards the end of my journey , an extremely affable young male came in . We were playing scrabble and afterwards I asked him ” what he was in for ?” He had numerous cuts on his body , most noticeable on his arms and I joked “Fight with a Tiger?” to which he responded ” I cut myself and hurt myself because I am inclined to hurt the people that I love and I would rather hurt myself” What do you say to that , really? All I stated was ” I give you much credit for realizing that you have an anger issue ( he had admitted this ) and that he was addressing it rather than putting those he loved in danger” I wonder how he made out ..

 

me ..not committed for life ..not even close ..walked out with the same dx that I walked in with ..severe anxiety ..PTSD 😦

Lifestyle · Uncategorized

I Love You ..I Worry

I love you ..I worry . Oft spoken words , generally uttered in an  apologetic tone .. I can clearly recall the days that I , in my naivitee’,  believed that once you were past  the stage where tiny fingers  could find their way into electrical sockets , or that little legs could empower themselves into the street that there would be smooth sailing ahead, and less worry involved . WRONG!!!

In this age of technology  where cell phones have become de rigor..how absolutely panicked does one become when their child does not answer their cell phone? ( Originally written in 2005)

Yes , I did panic ..a lot ..when my children spoke to strangers ( once a neighbor had my middle son (3) in the shade of a tree at the edge of our property , and yes, I went out and scolded him ..the neighbor, for doing so as he could have been attempting to entice my son and I had no clue) . We reside in a very safe area in the US however Uber moms worry a lot and we ended up having a pedophile living down the street in years to come .

Stalking Sleepovers ..yes I have …although I worked a minimum of 40+ hours a week I am absolutely guilty of driving and sitting outside another parent’s home quite late at night , in my jammies , as my daughter was invited to a sleepover for people who were new in town, renting , and from a different state …this is cause for mama drama

Playing with Guns…Nothing can quite inspire panic within an Uber mom more than discussing the days events and a playdate with your child , who has informed you that the played ” with his father’s gun” ..I never allowed my child back in that home and did question every parent thereafter , whether they had fire arms in their homes ‘

Hopsital (ER ) Trips ..Suffice it to say , that my son’s were taken to the ER fairly frequently  and both had facial plastic surgery by their second birthday’s .

On the first , I was working ( 10 hour Tuesday) when my spouse had my 6 yo call me about an Emergency involving my child ( way to have your heart lodged in your throat ) . Ironically , said child had an abscess on his lip and I took him to work ( where we did an occlusal film) to see if there were  remnants of a foreign object in his lip . There was and , after much ribbing and you are paranoid ..blah blah blah, I did take him back to plastic surgeon who confirmed that there was actually a wood chunk left in his lip . On the second, I was chastised for having a garage sale as my youngest ran into a desk and cut his nose . This ruined our vacation in VA that year ..A recurrent theme is that I can never do anything right :(…EVER The second ran into a desk at a garage sale and cut his nose ..my fault .It ruined our vacation in VA that year …What I have learned is EVERYTHING is my fault

I am responsible for all that has transpired wrong in this world.. My abject apologies to my offspring for offering you no love …no inspiration…no empathy …no support. I was the most Epic failure as a mother

 

 

Lifestyle

Welcome to my world

Day one. I was born in Sleepy Hollow New York on a Sunday Morning at 7:48 am . What I will recall most about that day is that my mother always told me about how she missed 8AM Sunday Mass . I have long considered this as the start of the cloud that would forever hang  over my head, and earthly soul. Once upon a time, I was a very viable and attractive soul with many talents, which I refer to as gifts , because is that not what they are ? This is a dark tale about a female , who , despite all this, had no faith in herself and squandered , not only her gifts, but herself , on someone (S) who were quite abusive and demeaning and crushed her heart and soul. Look out for the red flags because they are flying (furiously) if you heed their warning. I would, strongly suggest, that you heed their warning . If something does not feel right in your gut , odds are it isn’t so follow your gut and your head because the heart can be mislead