#motherhood · AA · dysfunctional · medical, psychological · respect yourself · sanity · self preservation · Uncategorized

Broken , Damaged , Destroyed

whelp if you want anyone to destroy your life I can make a suggestion  . “Piss job’s ” pardon my French outdoors in open venues . I refuse ..Either my children are really lacking in intellect or they don’t care ..at all ..Where were you A all those years your father abused your mother in front of your eyes ??? Blind

To my daughter , who promised to care for me ..I will well used to broken promises …being terrorized, traumatized etc as I am certain you are well aware ..

 

To m youngest , who cares the most ..the meek will inherit the earth ..something I lived by in my young years because I was quite meek and kind .

 

Talking to people in detox and again wondering why my children never intervened while their father is still a horrible alcoholic . I cannot even imagine someone having a more nasty , derogatory personality …

 

I don’t know why I protect people who don’t deserve it  But I am done with that .

 

I never drank in my life but I became, I believe and alcoholic trying to deal with one …Don’t Make the same mistake I did..If your gut says something is off Run like Hell

dysfunctional · family · Lifestyle · Mothers Day · self preservation · Uncategorized

Happy (UnMother’s day ) To All of us who have lost children

I can’t state it has not been a bad weekend because it has ..Just the thought of Mother’s D ay . I gave birth to three quite successful children . , However I don’t really have any yet I do understand what they are going through ..call it the Mother Gene

 

I could not love anyone more than my children (okay maybe one granddaughter but she is out of my life . I don’t know the others ) Absolutely not my choice and I hope that she is okay every day of my life  because I have cried a million tears for the girl who was troubled and cutting item’s up at the age of 5 (point of concern ..hell yes ) .Both of her parents tormented her and it broke my heart ..probably why they won’t speak to me..child abuse is not something I am willing to put up with ..What happened to my kind son , who became embittered and abusive?

 

So I wish all , who have your children intact a Happy Mother’s day . For me, it is rather a joke . I was a drop and run mom ..need me ? Here I am …always but drop me like the piece of garbage that you believe me to be..Karma is a BITCH..what goes around comes around ..I do not anticipate any good wishes from my children . un with all I did for you ..#Tucci#naldzin

dysfunctional · family · Lifestyle · love · self preservation · Uncategorized

Apologies in Advance to Milenials

I just spent several hours the phone with both Apple and Verizon because my phone, which is old and the story of my life …hand me downs . My son kept saying the phone is only a few years old..it’s you. I find that odd as I have texts there from six years ago  so it is quite a bit older than that . Thank you in advance to Derek at verizon for being so kind and helpful .

It seems like I am the recipient of everyone’s hand me downs ..phone’s included ..striking out on my own finally ..with no safety net …seems my phone coverage was limited although I was not aware …alternate title drunk at my door ..and no one give s a hoot , not even one of the children I gave birth to are bright enough to realize or recognize the manipulation tossed their way ,not by me , but by the brainwashing of their father . When this was first mentioned to me I was astonished …I could not assimilate that my brain but now I see it

 

Sorry this blog has been interrupted by the drunk at my door …the same that crippled me  and made me unable to leave the place I once considered a labor of love …then it became a gilded cage and then it became a house of horrors ..a place where I was traumatized , terrorized for over a decade and my children did not care or were not bright enough to see …All of a sudden that nurturing hardworking mother went bonkers…not so .

 

It is my understanding most milenials have this state of mind ..more is the pity for the future

 

dysfunctional · Lifestyle · self preservation

Sleep Deprivation and Sleep Aids

I have suffered from sleep deprivation for many years . I believe that I have tried pretty much everything from insane amounts of melatonin (Dr recommended) to sleeping pills , sage burning , sniffing essential oils ..etc  etc

 

Oh #Remfresh if I could only sleep 8 hours and wake up refreshed I might just be in a dream world . Same goes for #Natrol Day and Night for stress and anxiety . The day part (white pills) gave me anxiety from day one. The yeasty brown pills do seem to work the best (the night time ones) and by best I mean maybe three hours sleep with other meds.

 

Obviously individual results may vary . I have PTSD so that is a load of fun and games all by itself …

 

If you have difficulty sleeping and are in a normal situation 10mg of melatonin and 50 megs of benadryl just may do it for you .

I Recently spoke to a sleep Dr who said if you are in a traumatic situation…it’s not going to work but you will not OD on what you are taking ..whew. I googled sleepwalking  at the #Mayo Clinic and three causes highlighted were  were sleep deprivation, anxiety and depression…check check check

 

Please check with medical professional’s  as this is my experience : however after bouts of sleepwalking and several years of literally 2-3 hours I feel a walking zombie

 

Really difficult when your comfort zone disappears

dysfunctional · family · Lifestyle · love · respect yourself · sanity · Uncategorized

Happy Anniversary

It was 38 years ago today, that I was married for the first time. I knew it was a mistake from the start …Always trust gut instincts..they may be the only thing in this life that doesn’t lie .

Two years ago …I attempted suicide …Okay I would have succeeded but that damn vodka really through me off. I was never a drinker. More so , a health and fitness freak with 30 years of medical Knowledge behind me . I knew exactly what I was doing , as the head of cardiology stated …would have been a successful suicide, had I not taken steps to prevent it .

Sometimes,  oftentimes, life just does not pan out the way that you planned..or even close . Being someone  who was always active , on the run and with people ..already in this typing my arms are going out and fatiguing on me. They say love and emotional health has a lot to do with physical ailments . I will assume this to have some merit because one can never judge a situation unless they are in it …at least that is my take .

Sometimes people choose to end their lives because the have a terminal disease or illness  where there is no chance of a recovery . It is their preference to go out on their terms . I watched my father die a horrible death at only a few years older than I am .

It is ironic that people can be intelligent, yet not. I guess about a month my son was screaming at me that quadriplegics do more than I do . I replied “They probably have a support system or people that care”  I don’t . I bore three children and  was a good and encouraging mother . Short of anything illegal there is nothing that I would not have done for them because they were the loves of my life and I wanted them to have everything that I never had  I always taught them to give back and pay it forward , although this philosophy has not really panned out for me .

 

I am not without fault…no one is ..hopefully we learn from our mistakes . My children have all turned their backs on me because of things that I have said (although with sleepwalking and narcolepsy I was often unaware of what I may have done). What boggles my mind is that they are fine with wha their father did to me . No one bothered to check with any Doctors that what I was saying was valid and true.

Who knows why we are here. I always expected t live  a life of service to others , yet I struggle alone with mundane tasks .  I would have to surmise in the end that I was a mother of horrific proportions. According to their dad I should have committed years ago. Ironically, I can’t find one Doctor , out of many , who finds me anything other than normal…just in a bad situation . Do we have choices or is everything predestined?

dysfunctional · family · heart beat · Lifestyle · love · medical, psychological · respect yourself · sanity · self preservation · Uncategorized · Valentine's Day

Smile…while your heart is breaking

One of my favorite songs ..written I believe by Charlie Chaplin and wonderfully , and sincerely, performed by Michael Jackson.

As I age , I find this slightly ironic as it is difficult to smile while your heart is breaking . Mine has been crumbling for many a year . I gave birth to three children, all of whom hate me..mainly my fault ..in part their selfishness , greed , independent spirits (which I believe I did have a large hand in fostering) . As none are speaking to me I gave their father Valentine’s Day to send and he said “This one is blank” . I replied , yea write something” and he responded “I don’t do that ” As if I did not know. I guess that would be the snarky side of me , but hey, if you have been through half of what I have been (not considering  3rd world countries as I know one of my children would take issue with this) . I am a born and bred long time New Yorker .

I think of Valentine’s Day as VD Day (snarky sense of humor) and I have not really ever had a Valentine ..barely even funny ones …I was always the card writer, gift giver but life has made me bitter  and resentful ( hey , I finally qualify for in home care and have been considered legally disabled for years now) . Not quite the way I imagined life. I am hitting 60 and for almost 44 years a gym rat ( or the past few years tried to be recouping) but numerous spinal cord injuries (not my doing) , a broken leg …checking on a broken wrist this week have left me pretty much useless .

ADVICE: Raise one dependent child who might actually be there for you …promises…promises…my son’s will become quite wealthy upon my death…my daughter ..no ..she promised to care for me and abandoned me instead

I currently have two rocking chairs in my home. I have always had at least one . How many times have rocked children to sleep in them ? Countless. I don’t know , perhaps I did not read good stories, or sang off key  for the many many hours I spent performing this with my own children , prior to their birth and thereafter . I remember my MIL yelling at me about that …about not holding my children and I replied ” That’s not really how it works in my world” (Younger pretending to be more confident self) …I clearly recall my aunts singing and rocking me as I was a child and that love carried through  a lifetime . Apparently, not with mine. Perhaps , they are more genetically predisposed to the other side (gasp). I can’t imagine .There is nothing greater in this world than love .

 

Thinking that the last time I even had a cuddle was waking up with my then 7 year old granddaughter . I know that she was  aware that I had neck injuries , but not to the extent that I did ,,,now it is the spinal cord and tributaries …Arms and legs go numb 5 minutes in ..where  sometimes can’t feel a damn thing or stand up. I am grateful for the time that I had with my first granddaughter , and the love of my life…though she will soon forget me. Even though I had many adaptions to make , we did and we had tons of fun …my heart breaks for what we had everyday. I was always there for my children and I would , and still would lay down and die for theirs because that is how great my love is …besides their parents , I am quite doubtful that anyone could have loved them more . They were my life , my joy, my sanity …

 

Sometimes the hand that you are dealt just sucks . I barely have the strength to lift my arms anymore…typo’s galore (which I despise) and I don’t have the strength to go back and fix them. Perhaps things are better as they are because I am not of much use to anyone anymore . I guess my purpose was to be there for others ..but who was there for me?

 

I have done , and said many things that are so out of character for me and it comes from a place of deep pain and hurt..because  would never t purposely hurt anyone. I know trauma, pain and abandonment all too well . I forgive too easily ..maybe there are things I prefer to forget..Best line I have heard this year “When did the abused become the abuser” Telling ???????? My spouse broke my body…my daughter broke my heart

Lifestyle · Uncategorized

Sleep Deprivation…No Joke Folks

I know in this crazy dog eat dog society ( I am from New York..which translates into go go go ) that many get by with few hours of sleep . I did that for 40 years and managed it , I thought , fairly well…Back in the 1990’s Drs that I worked with prescribed me valium to catch sleep . As the mother of three, who often worked two jobs and seven days a week I was pretty toasted at times.

I went to a sleep Dr and had a sleep study back in 2011 , I believe. What I recall about that the most was the room that you were in , which pretty screamed “hospital green “..I was hooked up to all the sleep monitors and jarred at 4:30am with a you can leave now . I asked if I had done anything super embarrassing and was assured that I had not .

Meeting with the sleep Dr afterward I was advised that I was a sleepwalker with narcolepsy. Although , the sleep walking part runs in family I dismissed it as a no way . I was told that I never stopped spasming or moving throughout that period.

Flash Forward to October 2017 where I go back to a sleep Dr . because now I have started  to sleepwalk ( and I have witnessed others doing this and it is pretty freaky, I will admit) . I have done laundry and cooked meals with no recollection of doing such.

The sleep Dr I saw last Halloween was not of much assistance.. She essentially told me to get my sleep act together , which really was not of much help .

Since then i have seen a psychiatrist who has put me on massive doses of melatonin ..to little avail ( it worked for  a bit but not long enough. The sleep Dr had recommended three weeks of a minimum of 7 hours of sleep per night . At the time, I laughed however  I am no longer laughing .

I am not a large person, by any standards , however , what I have been advised to take should knock out a horse . Still no sleep .

I have talked to other Drs in addition to this one and they all agree that after 14 days of the sleep I have been experiencing for years you start to zone out , become incoherent etc . Do  get credit for recognizing this and that it is happening ?  I have often used the terms “stupid tired” or “fall  on my face exhausted”. What rather amazes me is the lack of direction from professionals …Seek the best and do take sleepy lightly, lightly.