Category: family

Christmas · family · Uncategorized

Ghosts of Christmas’ Past

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Wow …How do I begin ? Christmas was always my favorite Holiday and I tried to make it magical for my children. One of them used to say “I always knew mom was at it because the Christmas music was blasting” . That was at a time when Mondays were my day off and I was young and energetic. Those days are long gone , as are so many others.

When I was younger , when we moved to NJ , often times there was no money for gifts and I recall the year that I asked for the $1.00 paper cut out dolls from a second hand store …and I got it …along with an orange in my stocking and I was thrilled .

 

That I recall the year that my grandparents were with us , as was often the case, that my grandmother got a black eye wandering around in the night as she was often prone to do .

The year that I was 7 and (SPOILER ALERT) I realized that there was no Santa Clause because I went to say good night to my grandparents and all the gifts , that would be under the tree the next day, were in their bedroom . In those days gifts were not really wrapped and I was a clever child, after all .

The so many Christmas’ spent in Sleepy Hollow where my grandparents always had cracker barrel cheese and crackers and Trappist Monk wine jellies . I still picture myself there and can feel the joy and love .

When my children were young and I was up at 6am , or earlier , to light the light the fireplace and tree because I wanted to see their faces first thing . I worked a lot…Note to moms ..$$ cannot equate with time although I tried the best with what I had and I still do not think they had a clue how far I went to find just what they wanted.

To my very best Christmas memory, spent on an air bed in an empty dining room , with the person I loved most by my side .

 

Today , my family is scattered, or non exist ..I am disabled and don’t have a lot of time left . There is no Christmas here today . I am doing housework, or attempting to ..pain and disability have left me unable to sleep for quite some time. Merry Christmas to all and cherish what you have , for you never know when it may disappear .

family

And if I thought 2016 and 2017 were Bad Years …How life laughs at you

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I had great hope for this year .I thought what could be worse than 2016 , 2017 or the past decade of my life .

Goes to prove how wrong you can be. Not even two weeks into the year I lost my mother , whom I had not seen in years , due to injuries that keep piling up and my inability to be of any assistance . The day she died ( guessing that I don’t mince words) it was pouring buckets and my spouse was at a party so he could not leave there to take me to see my mom. Even prior to the more significant injuries this year I could not travel or drive more than a few miles from my home . Injuries inflicted since 2013 have left me incapable of sitting , standing , arm use for extended periods ..like 15-30 minutes .

It bothers me that I was not permitted to have one personal item of my mother’s , which is slightly ironic if you have read previous blogs .

I now sit here waiting for my 4th MRI this year ..and until few weeks ago I thought I had gotten away with one .

This year I have lost further use of my duty ..any arm use or strength due to several more ‘accidental” injuries . I don’t know how someone can be so self absorbed that they don’t think Drs can put one and two together …

I have tried working out  again, dieting to no avail and it is weeks before I actually can see an orthopedist ..I torqued my already damaged left knee doing side lunges the other day so I am bed bound. Thank the powers that be that I finished Christmas shopping prior to that incident . Actually , I have no plans for Christmas so if anyone knows a family of four who would benefit from a bunch let me know . I don’t know why I continue to care about people who don’t care about me . It is far better to give back and help those in need .

And then I saw my granddaughter, love of my life for the first time in a year plus . I wish I had not because that set me back . I was attempting to forget she existed because it broke my heart so much.

Love your children but as a Dr told me many years ago ..you owe them clothing , shelter and love. I believe I scored on all three points even if they don’t recall it a their minds may have been slightly twisted by a twisted person 😦

I have ben here becoming more incapacitated by the moment , incapable of most things, like feeding my self. I cared for many but no one cares for me //Lesson learned

family · Lifestyle

Broken…Beyond Repair and redemption (?)

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Do you realize what it feels like to be entirely broken…mind , body and soul . As much as my nature leans toward empathic, I  have always stated that I knew what something felt like until I stepped , or walked , in someone else’s shoes .

I have been battling severe and complicated spinal cord damage for 12 years .It is difficult to go from being a real go getter …always on the move to the point of ” I have no function” Even those, who should be closest to you seem to not truly understand the extent of damage done . Extensive and major damage was a quote from my neurologist of almost 12 years back in May ..and there were more damages to come.

I guess being hopeful , or optimistic, or hoping that  you have good karma ,,,because you are a good person, who cares about others doesn’t really factor in the grand scheme of things .

I was pretty dragged into a surprise event in NYC the other night . Two years after I requested , that this not transpire again. I have had three new injuries since April 29, 2018.

I keep attempting to go to the gym and Physical therapy but I have had to cancel both a number of times this past month .

Do you know what it is like to have every muscle fiber and every  joint absolutely SCREAMING in pain to the point that you can no longer deal with it?  I am extremely grateful to the security guard at MSG who took me under his wing the other night …

 

Why is it that the person ‘who “cares about you the most ” would you even place in such a situation..10 hours travel , sitting , standing when you are incapable of doing any of those for 10-15 minutes ? I don’t understand that and I will l never claim to . Yes, I did want to see that performer , but was 5 or 6 injuries ago. It seems these days I count every as injury related ..and no one seems to understand the age , the time, the extent of the injuries . The fact , that as much as I try to fight I can no longer recoup …slip sliding away ..

Lost the most important person in my life..the one who gave me hope and joy  almost two years ago . This was due to similar pain and the realization that that individual was out of my grasp due to pain, which was excruciating . It ha snot been recommended for years that I travel as I did …what I did for love…and I will soon be a distant memory to her .

Sometimes you make some one your world and love them because they bring you the only joy that you have known in an otherwise traumatized life . I don’t wish bad Karma on anyone , but it is a  bitch

Sometimes your actions and responses are based on pain, even beyond the pain threshold of someone who has experienced it greatly …or hurt hurt , When you come to the realization that the people who care the most, actually care the least

family · Lifestyle · respect yourself · sanity · Uncategorized

Feeding Your Heart and Soul

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A steady diet of feeding your heart and soul is just as imperative as feeding your body. Perhaps more so . Anyone who knows me , knows that I have a voracious appetite and I often wonder why .

I don’t think my children realize the extent to which they fed my heart and soul. I could not have loved them. Perhaps I could have loved them better but I was a working mother of three ..sometimes holding down two jobs ..working seven days a week and still trying to fit in motivation , education and time together. It was not easy . My (former ) daughter asked me years ago how I did it and I honestly replied “I don’t know, I just did ” because I wanted the best for them and they are all successful in their own rights . I wanted them to have the lives and opportunities that passed me by and I made that my mission as a mother .

They are all off and on their own ..in July 2009 a baby girl was born with the ear of a fairy , and I was called upon to take care of her for lengths of time , which I never minded , because I adore children, but I adored her most of all because the love was reciprocated . For seven years that child fed my heart and soul and was EVERYTHING to me . She has siblings but I don’t really know them and they don’t know me.

As many may be aware , I have extremely severe medical conditions, the least of which is spinal cord injuries since 2008 , over and over . I spent 11 years in physical therapy ( I just returned after a break) I am a fighter . My Diagnosis in 2006 was eventual quadriplegia ..I also have two bleeding disorders, one of which I found out recently was a  form of hemophilia. That might explain those multiple experiences of hemorrhagic episode and , yet< I was trying to be such a devoted mother that I recall making cupcakes for Valentine’s Day for my daughter’s class….one of my sons on my hips and clenching my legs together due to hemorrhage. There is not much I would not do for them (I draw the line at illegal ..why I left my long time high paying job) .

I have been seeing the same neurologist for almost 12 years ..every 2-3 months since 2006 to monitor my strength and progress , or lack there of . He is one of the top Neurologist’s at a top Hospital in the USA  but his hands are tied . NO epidural injections ..no surgery ..no EMG’s with direct needle sticks into my neck or spine.  I know that he has seen the light dim from my eyes over the years . As he stated to me in May of this year ” So many injuries (accidental , of course ) ..so much extensive damage” . I have fought a long battle with this ..there are days that I am at the gym and I feel like giving up, but I push myself  although my inspiration is gone .

I fought to be there for my fairy princess , and comrade in fun but she is out of reach  and LOL my children never really did speak to my DR ..and he tried to reach one of them …I was injured, more severely three years ago and I have never recovered . In fact , I have had further injuries ,. June 4th of this year ..seems to have affected C1-2 . To state that I am not frightened would be a lie because that is pretty much death

I attempted suicide a year and  a half ago ..February 13, 2017 ..why (?) many may ask  Because I was number 1 in my both my pre-med and US classes ..and had 30 years experience working in the medical field . Because I know how severe my spinal condition is ..as some one who has worked out for 40+ years , I know my body ….I know it was done and that was before two injuries ( not my doing) on April 29 and June 4, 2018 , which made me leery of getting in a car with any other driver..and I am limited . That incident on June 4th seems to have affected the use of my right arm..dominant arm and my left side is severely nerve damaged . However, again , I digress ..Once upon a time my  (former )  daughter said ” I thought your Drs all hated you” To which I responded ” Where did you ever get that impression?”  When I attempted suicide ( i really think the vodka messed me up as I was never a drinker …empty calories ) the Head of Cardiology at our local Hospital ( which is also not rated as shabby) stayed by my side the entire time that I was in the Emergency Room  ( he later told me you knew what the hell you were doing) ..My Dr’s actually hold a great respect for me and what I have been through and endured . Physical condition and strong mind have been credited to my survival , and that is years in the running .

I do not believe that my children will ever truly know what I have endured , and how hard I fought ..because I loved one little girl so much  I would die for her , as I would have died for them ..She was taken from me and no one realizes how severely disabled I am ( at least  not my family ) Drs have made attempts to reach out for years to little avail

if you really knew me , I may be one of the most loving selfless people you may ever know ..but I am uber tolerant and gullible and easily discarded ..it appears ..and all the while I begged ..Hurt me ..I know a lifetime of it ..but please do not hurt a child …ignored ..my granddaughter is better off believing that I am dead , rather than the fact that I may have abandoned, or no longer love her?

When you lose the capacity to enjoy any hobbies..when you are in pain 24/7 for years..when you sleep deprived due to that you do begin to give up . Music can feed my soul but that is off limits as well, unless I am driving ..the few that I can . Without heart and should food you will wither away

 

family · sanity · self preservation · Uncategorized

To My (Former ) Daughter

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It is my understanding that you miss your mother ..and that from a pathological liar …IDK who would not miss a “drop and run mom”  who was there for you every step of the way ..who worked her ass off trying to give you every advantage of life …who encouraged you ( when you applied at Alliance ) Why would they not hire you ? You are the best person for the job.

 

I miss the daughter that I had before her marriage , which is eerily similar to mine ( in a somewhat gentler , kinder way ) ..My dear ..you lost your way as I lost mine long ago …history repeats ..

 

People want forgiveness for transgressions that they don’t understand . If they actually picked up a phone and returned a (very ) concerned Drs call, then they might . But moms, be wary . I miss the grandchild that I knew and I know that she misses me too and that is what breaks my heart .

 

SIL has mother issues ..knew that years ago ..but could not even say to me that he was sorry ( so whatever) when my mom passed away . It was my mother …you should have offered your condolences but you ignored that instead . My granddaughter, the one that I know clung to me and it broke my heart. If my daughter had ever responded to a Drs call she might actually realize the reality of the situation  but she could not be bothered ..

 

Maybe you do , and maybe you don”t miss that drop and run mother who would laid down her life for you or any of your children .

 

IDK but  I am in the thought process that if your in laws cared then they would have been there for you when they were ten minutes away . Disabled, I drove hours …too disabled to do anything now ..and you might be aware of that if you ever bothered to pick up the phone and return a call from more than a few Drs concerning your Mother’s Health

 

You are the one who wrote your mother off …now I am facing quadriplegia …I missed the years I may have been a functional part of your lives. Thank you for abandoning me in my time of greatest need..something I would never have done to you. So much for daughters being he one to take care of their aging disabled parents