#motherhood · acceptance · dysfunctional · family · love · Uncategorized

Haunted

You can be haunted in  , oh so many ways , Domestic Abuse , Mistakes that you made in trying to provide a future for your children when you out and working , way too many hours …27 years of Saturday’s is a small example. I should have been there . Trying to give my children the best I could in life ( the opportunities that I did not have ) I wanted them to have it all and reach for the stars ….How many times did they call me about job advice and I said why would anyone hire anyone but you ?

I always referred to myself as the drop and run mother…my kids needed and there I was , no matter the pain. I recently saw a new PT , who looking at my MRI’s simply stated “your spine is trashed ”  Odd for a 40+ year athlete , So I don’t sleep at night because I am haunted by thoughts . My children have largely removed themselves from my life …..the fault lies on both sides …things said to me over which I have bitten my tongue , numerous times. I have one child and his spouse who are so well suited that it blows me away , because I do not believe that is the norm and I bless them both C&A  for fending each other . YOU are beyond blessed that you found each other

I am haunted by many things , especially my poor choices in life as it is ending ….I have so many flashbacks of being in Norristown , PA …walking and memories surface ..making tea and much the same …lying and watching TV with my granddaughter (Valentine’s Day 2013)  Drove to babysit as I was renting a room and a car just flew in front of me and hit a pole ….I had no response. She laughed at me and said you are not a babysitter , you are my Gammi . I have not seen her in over three years and I know well before that that gifts I gave my grandkids were trashed . Personally, I have every birthday card since I was 7 . People mean a lot to me <3. I am known for my honesty , kindness and for just being sweet .

Pursued 20 years as a model including a Playboy Centerfold I have wed the biggest losers of loser’s abusive…my Drs have reported this ..one should be in prison .

I have made many mistakes in my life . I so wish to get to PA for closure or to move there . Loved my Lils more than anything and she loved me . I never want her to feel hurt and abandoned . I will never forget my daughter Thanksgiving Day telling me that my granddaughter had another grandmother she saw once a year that she loved as much as she loved me , which was a stab to the heart because it was not true. My daughter once stated “We have a mean family” , which perplexed me because I am not known as being mean .

When my mom had her last coherent conversation with me …she said “you deserved better in life because you were the kind and special one ”

what does Kindness , love and specialty earn you ..nada..When my mom passed away two years ago my granddaughter clung to me and said my other grandparents are nothing like you . I live in a world where my heart breaks daily and where I am haunted by memories  that were good …my  Lills . always there when needed even when it was a backward compliment ..Foster child ..we don’t need you but…..

 

Millenial kids pretty much blow it …but for one and Karma has a major way of biting you   in your ass. I still love my children , although 2/3 treat me like I am garbage

 

 

#disability · #motherhood · acceptance · dysfunctional · family · medical, psychological · sanity · self preservation

Trying to accept disability

I know that many have struggled with this and overcome it Six years have gone by and despite the 13 years spent in PT I think too damage has been done…

 

What bites you is that you have fought , long and hard ..that there are no bruises .It is all spinal cord related…a grab ..slamming on the brakes .It does not leave marks, just damage .

I worked out for 44 years . According to Drs had it not been for my physical fitness , prior and mental tenacity I should have been in a wheelchair 8 years ago and I continue to fight but I often why . My family does not care so I am alone in this . I cannot do anion of what I did three years ago.

 

I went through Heaven and Hell for my children but where have they been for me / Jeez just typing this exhausting ..my arms don’t really  function ..

 

Trying to come to acceptance is difficult …will take any advice

#motherhood · dysfunctional · family · heart beat · love · respect yourself · Uncategorized

Have a good weekend ..good day

I assume these are terms like “How are you” and you say fine because do you really want to tell someone how much your life sucks ? That you have lost have lost everything of value? That you love your children but have been timeless told how much they hate you ?

When you were that nurturing mother who drop and run for yours but they don’t respond to Drs calls when they are listed as your next of kin ?

When it’s I will give you food  and or money if you piss all over me or give me a blow ..thanks I would rather starve . When your children are too intelligent but too blind to see . I guess you take after your mother …sorry

 

IDK I don’t find it normal or amusing to have some one discuss joint suicide or hoarding your dead body ..Let’s face it no one care enough to check in on me …This is my reality

dysfunctional · family · Lifestyle · Mothers Day · self preservation · Uncategorized

Happy (UnMother’s day ) To All of us who have lost children

I can’t state it has not been a bad weekend because it has ..Just the thought of Mother’s D ay . I gave birth to three quite successful children . , However I don’t really have any yet I do understand what they are going through ..call it the Mother Gene

 

I could not love anyone more than my children (okay maybe one granddaughter but she is out of my life . I don’t know the others ) Absolutely not my choice and I hope that she is okay every day of my life  because I have cried a million tears for the girl who was troubled and cutting item’s up at the age of 5 (point of concern ..hell yes ) .Both of her parents tormented her and it broke my heart ..probably why they won’t speak to me..child abuse is not something I am willing to put up with ..What happened to my kind son , who became embittered and abusive?

 

So I wish all , who have your children intact a Happy Mother’s day . For me, it is rather a joke . I was a drop and run mom ..need me ? Here I am …always but drop me like the piece of garbage that you believe me to be..Karma is a BITCH..what goes around comes around ..I do not anticipate any good wishes from my children . un with all I did for you ..#Tucci#naldzin

#motherhood · dysfunctional · family · respect yourself · sanity · self preservation · Uncategorized

Love IS Never About Deagredation

IF someone truly loves you they will never ever out you into, degrading positions . If you see that coming , as I have stated numerous times RUN FOR YOUR LIFE. I wish I had . You have no idea what , whom or how much you can lose being with a sick individual ….#Tucci

 

Someone who loves you would not take, or flaunt pornography and then argue the point ” Have you found yourself on porn sites ?” No, I don’t actually know of any …

 

Golden Showers ..not my fetish ..find someone who shares yours

 

If someone wants you because you have class and then they attempt to bring you to the lowest level possible …RUN …

 

Love should be about partnership  and compatibility and shared respect . If those elements are non – existent ..get out asap , You will be happier that you did

dysfunctional · family · Lifestyle · love · self preservation · Uncategorized

Apologies in Advance to Milenials

I just spent several hours the phone with both Apple and Verizon because my phone, which is old and the story of my life …hand me downs . My son kept saying the phone is only a few years old..it’s you. I find that odd as I have texts there from six years ago  so it is quite a bit older than that . Thank you in advance to Derek at verizon for being so kind and helpful .

It seems like I am the recipient of everyone’s hand me downs ..phone’s included ..striking out on my own finally ..with no safety net …seems my phone coverage was limited although I was not aware …alternate title drunk at my door ..and no one give s a hoot , not even one of the children I gave birth to are bright enough to realize or recognize the manipulation tossed their way ,not by me , but by the brainwashing of their father . When this was first mentioned to me I was astonished …I could not assimilate that my brain but now I see it

 

Sorry this blog has been interrupted by the drunk at my door …the same that crippled me  and made me unable to leave the place I once considered a labor of love …then it became a gilded cage and then it became a house of horrors ..a place where I was traumatized , terrorized for over a decade and my children did not care or were not bright enough to see …All of a sudden that nurturing hardworking mother went bonkers…not so .

 

It is my understanding most milenials have this state of mind ..more is the pity for the future

 

#motherhood · dysfunctional · family · respect yourself · self preservation

Mother Love

A) I was the mother who read and rocked and sang to my children before they even entered this world

B) My mother in law told me I was never to pick up my child . I did reply  ” That’s not really how it works in my world

C) children require love and nurturing to flourish. I did my best ..working often two jobs ..65 hour weeks ..hey I do believe my kids always won school reading contest’s because I would come home after a ten hour day at the office and read to my sons.

D) As your children grow and age ..they distance themselves

E) They don’t recall all that you did ..drop and run no matter the pain or circumstances ..nor do they care

F) Raise one child child to be dependent who might actually care .

 

Admittedly , I was an over the top ( I love you ..I worry ) type of mom  in a very bad relationship , which I consider my bad , because I knew better . I could read the signs ..Red Flags Waving .

You have no idea how things can alter in years to follow ..Brain washing …WTH …sheltered naive trusting Catholic school girl , prime for the picking ..Also an Empath . So yes I cry every single day ..