#disability · #motherhood · acceptance · dysfunctional · family · medical, psychological · sanity · self preservation

Trying to accept disability

I know that many have struggled with this and overcome it Six years have gone by and despite the 13 years spent in PT I think too damage has been done…

 

What bites you is that you have fought , long and hard ..that there are no bruises .It is all spinal cord related…a grab ..slamming on the brakes .It does not leave marks, just damage .

I worked out for 44 years . According to Drs had it not been for my physical fitness , prior and mental tenacity I should have been in a wheelchair 8 years ago and I continue to fight but I often why . My family does not care so I am alone in this . I cannot do anion of what I did three years ago.

 

I went through Heaven and Hell for my children but where have they been for me / Jeez just typing this exhausting ..my arms don’t really  function ..

 

Trying to come to acceptance is difficult …will take any advice

#motherhood · dysfunctional · family · heart beat · love · respect yourself · Uncategorized

Have a good weekend ..good day

I assume these are terms like “How are you” and you say fine because do you really want to tell someone how much your life sucks ? That you have lost have lost everything of value? That you love your children but have been timeless told how much they hate you ?

When you were that nurturing mother who drop and run for yours but they don’t respond to Drs calls when they are listed as your next of kin ?

When it’s I will give you food  and or money if you piss all over me or give me a blow ..thanks I would rather starve . When your children are too intelligent but too blind to see . I guess you take after your mother …sorry

 

IDK I don’t find it normal or amusing to have some one discuss joint suicide or hoarding your dead body ..Let’s face it no one care enough to check in on me …This is my reality

dysfunctional · family · Lifestyle · Mothers Day · self preservation · Uncategorized

Happy (UnMother’s day ) To All of us who have lost children

I can’t state it has not been a bad weekend because it has ..Just the thought of Mother’s D ay . I gave birth to three quite successful children . , However I don’t really have any yet I do understand what they are going through ..call it the Mother Gene

 

I could not love anyone more than my children (okay maybe one granddaughter but she is out of my life . I don’t know the others ) Absolutely not my choice and I hope that she is okay every day of my life  because I have cried a million tears for the girl who was troubled and cutting item’s up at the age of 5 (point of concern ..hell yes ) .Both of her parents tormented her and it broke my heart ..probably why they won’t speak to me..child abuse is not something I am willing to put up with ..What happened to my kind son , who became embittered and abusive?

 

So I wish all , who have your children intact a Happy Mother’s day . For me, it is rather a joke . I was a drop and run mom ..need me ? Here I am …always but drop me like the piece of garbage that you believe me to be..Karma is a BITCH..what goes around comes around ..I do not anticipate any good wishes from my children . un with all I did for you ..#Tucci#naldzin

#motherhood · dysfunctional · family · respect yourself · sanity · self preservation · Uncategorized

Love IS Never About Deagredation

IF someone truly loves you they will never ever out you into, degrading positions . If you see that coming , as I have stated numerous times RUN FOR YOUR LIFE. I wish I had . You have no idea what , whom or how much you can lose being with a sick individual ….#Tucci

 

Someone who loves you would not take, or flaunt pornography and then argue the point ” Have you found yourself on porn sites ?” No, I don’t actually know of any …

 

Golden Showers ..not my fetish ..find someone who shares yours

 

If someone wants you because you have class and then they attempt to bring you to the lowest level possible …RUN …

 

Love should be about partnership  and compatibility and shared respect . If those elements are non – existent ..get out asap , You will be happier that you did

dysfunctional · family · Lifestyle · love · self preservation · Uncategorized

Apologies in Advance to Milenials

I just spent several hours the phone with both Apple and Verizon because my phone, which is old and the story of my life …hand me downs . My son kept saying the phone is only a few years old..it’s you. I find that odd as I have texts there from six years ago  so it is quite a bit older than that . Thank you in advance to Derek at verizon for being so kind and helpful .

It seems like I am the recipient of everyone’s hand me downs ..phone’s included ..striking out on my own finally ..with no safety net …seems my phone coverage was limited although I was not aware …alternate title drunk at my door ..and no one give s a hoot , not even one of the children I gave birth to are bright enough to realize or recognize the manipulation tossed their way ,not by me , but by the brainwashing of their father . When this was first mentioned to me I was astonished …I could not assimilate that my brain but now I see it

 

Sorry this blog has been interrupted by the drunk at my door …the same that crippled me  and made me unable to leave the place I once considered a labor of love …then it became a gilded cage and then it became a house of horrors ..a place where I was traumatized , terrorized for over a decade and my children did not care or were not bright enough to see …All of a sudden that nurturing hardworking mother went bonkers…not so .

 

It is my understanding most milenials have this state of mind ..more is the pity for the future

 

#motherhood · dysfunctional · family · respect yourself · self preservation

Mother Love

A) I was the mother who read and rocked and sang to my children before they even entered this world

B) My mother in law told me I was never to pick up my child . I did reply  ” That’s not really how it works in my world

C) children require love and nurturing to flourish. I did my best ..working often two jobs ..65 hour weeks ..hey I do believe my kids always won school reading contest’s because I would come home after a ten hour day at the office and read to my sons.

D) As your children grow and age ..they distance themselves

E) They don’t recall all that you did ..drop and run no matter the pain or circumstances ..nor do they care

F) Raise one child child to be dependent who might actually care .

 

Admittedly , I was an over the top ( I love you ..I worry ) type of mom  in a very bad relationship , which I consider my bad , because I knew better . I could read the signs ..Red Flags Waving .

You have no idea how things can alter in years to follow ..Brain washing …WTH …sheltered naive trusting Catholic school girl , prime for the picking ..Also an Empath . So yes I cry every single day ..

dysfunctional · family · Lifestyle · love · respect yourself · sanity · Uncategorized

Happy Anniversary

It was 38 years ago today, that I was married for the first time. I knew it was a mistake from the start …Always trust gut instincts..they may be the only thing in this life that doesn’t lie .

Two years ago …I attempted suicide …Okay I would have succeeded but that damn vodka really through me off. I was never a drinker. More so , a health and fitness freak with 30 years of medical Knowledge behind me . I knew exactly what I was doing , as the head of cardiology stated …would have been a successful suicide, had I not taken steps to prevent it .

Sometimes,  oftentimes, life just does not pan out the way that you planned..or even close . Being someone  who was always active , on the run and with people ..already in this typing my arms are going out and fatiguing on me. They say love and emotional health has a lot to do with physical ailments . I will assume this to have some merit because one can never judge a situation unless they are in it …at least that is my take .

Sometimes people choose to end their lives because the have a terminal disease or illness  where there is no chance of a recovery . It is their preference to go out on their terms . I watched my father die a horrible death at only a few years older than I am .

It is ironic that people can be intelligent, yet not. I guess about a month my son was screaming at me that quadriplegics do more than I do . I replied “They probably have a support system or people that care”  I don’t . I bore three children and  was a good and encouraging mother . Short of anything illegal there is nothing that I would not have done for them because they were the loves of my life and I wanted them to have everything that I never had  I always taught them to give back and pay it forward , although this philosophy has not really panned out for me .

 

I am not without fault…no one is ..hopefully we learn from our mistakes . My children have all turned their backs on me because of things that I have said (although with sleepwalking and narcolepsy I was often unaware of what I may have done). What boggles my mind is that they are fine with wha their father did to me . No one bothered to check with any Doctors that what I was saying was valid and true.

Who knows why we are here. I always expected t live  a life of service to others , yet I struggle alone with mundane tasks .  I would have to surmise in the end that I was a mother of horrific proportions. According to their dad I should have committed years ago. Ironically, I can’t find one Doctor , out of many , who finds me anything other than normal…just in a bad situation . Do we have choices or is everything predestined?