It was 38 years ago today, that I was married for the first time. I knew it was a mistake from the start …Always trust gut instincts..they may be the only thing in this life that doesn’t lie .
Two years ago …I attempted suicide …Okay I would have succeeded but that damn vodka really through me off. I was never a drinker. More so , a health and fitness freak with 30 years of medical Knowledge behind me . I knew exactly what I was doing , as the head of cardiology stated …would have been a successful suicide, had I not taken steps to prevent it .
Sometimes, oftentimes, life just does not pan out the way that you planned..or even close . Being someone who was always active , on the run and with people ..already in this typing my arms are going out and fatiguing on me. They say love and emotional health has a lot to do with physical ailments . I will assume this to have some merit because one can never judge a situation unless they are in it …at least that is my take .
Sometimes people choose to end their lives because the have a terminal disease or illness where there is no chance of a recovery . It is their preference to go out on their terms . I watched my father die a horrible death at only a few years older than I am .
It is ironic that people can be intelligent, yet not. I guess about a month my son was screaming at me that quadriplegics do more than I do . I replied “They probably have a support system or people that care” I don’t . I bore three children and was a good and encouraging mother . Short of anything illegal there is nothing that I would not have done for them because they were the loves of my life and I wanted them to have everything that I never had I always taught them to give back and pay it forward , although this philosophy has not really panned out for me .
I am not without fault…no one is ..hopefully we learn from our mistakes . My children have all turned their backs on me because of things that I have said (although with sleepwalking and narcolepsy I was often unaware of what I may have done). What boggles my mind is that they are fine with wha their father did to me . No one bothered to check with any Doctors that what I was saying was valid and true.
Who knows why we are here. I always expected t live a life of service to others , yet I struggle alone with mundane tasks . I would have to surmise in the end that I was a mother of horrific proportions. According to their dad I should have committed years ago. Ironically, I can’t find one Doctor , out of many , who finds me anything other than normal…just in a bad situation . Do we have choices or is everything predestined?