family · Lifestyle

Broken…Beyond Repair and redemption (?)

Do you realize what it feels like to be entirely broken…mind , body and soul . As much as my nature leans toward empathic, I  have always stated that I knew what something felt like until I stepped , or walked , in someone else’s shoes .

I have been battling severe and complicated spinal cord damage for 12 years .It is difficult to go from being a real go getter …always on the move to the point of ” I have no function” Even those, who should be closest to you seem to not truly understand the extent of damage done . Extensive and major damage was a quote from my neurologist of almost 12 years back in May ..and there were more damages to come.

I guess being hopeful , or optimistic, or hoping that  you have good karma ,,,because you are a good person, who cares about others doesn’t really factor in the grand scheme of things .

I was pretty dragged into a surprise event in NYC the other night . Two years after I requested , that this not transpire again. I have had three new injuries since April 29, 2018.

I keep attempting to go to the gym and Physical therapy but I have had to cancel both a number of times this past month .

Do you know what it is like to have every muscle fiber and every  joint absolutely SCREAMING in pain to the point that you can no longer deal with it?  I am extremely grateful to the security guard at MSG who took me under his wing the other night …

 

Why is it that the person ‘who “cares about you the most ” would you even place in such a situation..10 hours travel , sitting , standing when you are incapable of doing any of those for 10-15 minutes ? I don’t understand that and I will l never claim to . Yes, I did want to see that performer , but was 5 or 6 injuries ago. It seems these days I count every as injury related ..and no one seems to understand the age , the time, the extent of the injuries . The fact , that as much as I try to fight I can no longer recoup …slip sliding away ..

Lost the most important person in my life..the one who gave me hope and joy  almost two years ago . This was due to similar pain and the realization that that individual was out of my grasp due to pain, which was excruciating . It ha snot been recommended for years that I travel as I did …what I did for love…and I will soon be a distant memory to her .

Sometimes you make some one your world and love them because they bring you the only joy that you have known in an otherwise traumatized life . I don’t wish bad Karma on anyone , but it is a  bitch

Sometimes your actions and responses are based on pain, even beyond the pain threshold of someone who has experienced it greatly …or hurt hurt , When you come to the realization that the people who care the most, actually care the least

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