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Patterns and History Repeat

what may disappoint me most about myself is this email that I sent my spouse in 2009 ..some things remain the same ..some things never change …

 

Some things Never Change ..like this sentiment which I was just discussing with our therapist ..I need a major head smack here ..as if I have not always known..NARC’s do not want o change ..their verbiage is consistent ..ideals etc and they can suck you under to the point that you have no idea who you are …and they can brainwash ..and they do other’s ( okay when the concept of brainwashing was addressed to me years ago I was astounded ) …that is like Nazi Germany but my spouse does imagine himself as I quote ” leading the Fourth Reich” If you are not blond haired and blue eyed then you you should be destroyed” I happen to be a brown haired , brown eyed American mix..Ancestory.com tells me that I am 65% United Kingdom

hard to speak to you as you become very overexcited & combative but I have to wonder a few things  such as if you have ever really listened or heard a word that I’ve ever said to  you . Also- re; your tendency to fabricate and make up lies I am beginning to think that  is even more so than I ever imagined in that I am really wondering instead how often you may have actually ever told me the truth. Lies fall so easily off your tongue that I have to consider if you ‘ve lied about serious issues.

As I have stated numerous times in the past and far more so in the recent future it seems that you are very much involved with what it takes to make you happy without taking any of my wants, wishes, needs, into serious consideration. You have been doing your own thing- as you desire- for quite some time now. It seems that I have been rather irrelevant in this relationship. I think that I am deserving better treatment and consideration than I have thus far received, and if this were any type of relationship that was equal things would have been more different- I would have had more of a voice in matters that were of importance. I honestly do not know how you can claim to love me at all the way that you treat me. I think that it is a matter of habit & convenience. I mean you are not amenable to change- you barely change your clothes, except apparently when you go on cruises.If you were fair in your thinking you would need to admit that all major decisons have been yours. I have worked hard all of my life- I have tried to make a lovely home and provide proper meals and guidance to my children. It really is difficult for me to understand how you don’t understand how I have come to my current destination.

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