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when you are always …less than anything

I was a very shy and quiet child . I was mortified in High School when my 176 classmates nominated me as the quietest person in the class…. no beauty hair, eyes or smile although I believe I had all three going for me

My older..by 18months sister was the social butterfly ..I always considered myself to be a wallflower . I still do …

I don’t know if shy and quiet people are more tolerant than their counterparts …it may also be that those who are kindhearted and trusting may suffer the same defect ( dislike using that term …right now I cannot conjure another)

Do we set ourselves up to be used and abused?

I was attempting to set up a new computer today …under a bit of duress. The problem is , that although I am half head of household  I am not listed on or privy to any accounts. I learned this in spades a few months ago , when I I called verizon and they informed me that I had no rights to my phone number . I am not on the account ( I do always inherit my sons old phones, which is fine with me so long as they work )

I have been so conditioned to I own nothing, I deserve nothing ..I have contributed Nothing ..although realistically ..this could not be more false …How many times recently have I heard from my spouse I need to retire to take care of you ??? Okay first, you need to exhibit some qualities of a caretaker ..and no ..NOT..

I have been exhausted lately . If I have slept 20 nights this calendar year , I would be surprised. I am constantly working on techniques to try to sleep ..I feel like I am in a pretty much zombie fall over dead state .

As I digress, I  cannot set up my new computer because I do not know the WiFi code and I am not on the account to inquire ..Calling Optimum this afternoon , they asked me to check the router ..what is it (no clue?) ..I had to go into a room which I do not even enter .Attempted to turn the light on but grabbed the fan chain instead and then when I pulled the light switch it snapped off in my hand …Let us disregard that I bought and paid for that damn fan myself . I absolutely panicked ..and this may be why my Drs are telling me I will drop dead from stress. i am so conditioned ..IT IS SICK…

 

I never know if someone is going to scream outside my door at 7am ( this has happened more times than I care to admit ) that they could not sleep  because I went to the bathroom , brushed my teeth , washed my hands and they could not sleep . I have brushed my teeth in the kitchen sink  while tiptoeing . I made arrangements long ago to relieve myself at night without leaving my room . Common sense and rational thought tell me that I am a grown woman with rights ..like the right to brush my teeth, run water , go to the bathroom in what is supposed to be my own home but that is just not the way it has been for a very long time .

Unfortunately , for me , I am disabled and I can’t run for the hills as I wish I could. If I could I would be out of here in a New York minute . I do not have anyone to assist me ..those bridges were burned . I have wasted more than half my life being abused and treated as if I was less than to the point that , years ago , I would try to joke ..world peace , racism , guns..all my fault ..what isn’t?  WHAT IS NOT MY FAULT? At physical therapy on Monday, heaven help me ..I stated ” Wow an angry 64 year old white male???I don’t know anything about that ..as if

PLEASE contact me if you have no faith in yourself or if someone has beaten you down so badly that you do not see any light at the end of the tunnel . I will help you ..been there ..done that ..

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month

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