Back in February ..February 13th to be exact , I attempted suicide and then thought better of it . I will not tell you the gory details as my cardiologist told me in the ER “You knew what you were doing”…
This is a point in my life where I have serious injuries and disabilities . I am on an amount of medication, which is more than I am comfortable with . I spent Christmas with my former daughter and grandchildren ( she disowned me the day after Christmas ..so Happy New year to me) …Christmas Night I was asked to babysit 5 children. I was in agony and I will say I may blame my former therapist , who said to me your level of pain is extremely apparent and your children had no idea??? Okay maybe they do not have an idea , or they just did not care …mom is there for whatever . I begged off early the day after Christmas. Driving home , as passenger I was in such excruciating pain that all I wanted to do was open the car door and roll out onto the Turnpike . It was along ride .
Upon arriving home, I made an epic faux pas…I got on Social Media and tagged my co -laws and I received a text from my former daughter addressed with the verbiage What the Fuck ( I have never addressed my parents in this manner . Spouse immediately informed me that I was disowned ( which has transpired before due to her mercurial moods and my former SIL’s desire to be loved by his parent’s) as if I do not have enough problems of my own..trust me ..I do ..so on that day Drop and Run Mom Died . My only , and biggest regret is my oldest granddaughter , who was quite close to me ..despite by daughter stating ..she has a grandmother she sees once a year who means as much to her …what a jerk, really , but she cheated on her spouse so what do you expect ?
So finally in February, I came to the conclusion that my body was toasted ..no repair in sight ..my former daughter was ripping my heart out by moving to Florida , where she was very aware that I would not see my grandchildren anymore … after all that I have been through …This broke me ..finally ..I was never permitted to see my grandchildren to the family pet ..too hazardous(?) More on that later , but I am not the one who abused those children ..I pray for my granddaughter every day even though I am not quite that religious .
On February 13th I mixed pills with Vodka ( the first time I have ever had hard alcohol ..I have never had a shot ..jello shot’s etc) I did do a trial run the day prior. I never expected to feel so odd and therefore I pulled myself back (no gory details) and called 911 . I was in the local hospital for 3 days under suicide watch . I must have amused my watcher’s as they eventually stopped following me 24/7 and left me alone ..when I left they gave me clothing , hugs , kisses..always told the next shift..”nothing wrong with her , you will laugh for the next 8 hours”
So then I was being committed to a psych ward and I have never had anything beyond two parking tickets 40 years ago so yes ..quite out of my element .
What was interesting , after my initial panic and blood pressure elevating to 200/100 were the people that I came into contact with…from the staff ..to the patient’s
Initially , I was terrified but that was mainly as my spouse informed me that my children thought that I should be committed for life , and that I had no control over the situation . Bless my youngest , for offering to fly out immediately , and for contacting the staff before I even arrived.
So after I “got over ” the initial body/cavity search and my first group meetings I actually had a great time . I was able to see and speak to others for the first time in a long time.
Spent much time speaking to the staff , quite a few of whom pulled me aside with such comments as “Why are you here” . ” I thought you an employee in training . I was shocked to learn you were a patient ” ” Hugs and Kisses , love you smart ass and God Speed”.
From the patient point of view ..I made a number of friends . My background is medical and caring, so again the staff applauded me for how much time I spent catering to other’s needs. How kind and friendly I was …etc etc
When I initially arrived , I was floored , and hence the massive uptake in BP when I realized that others actually do hear voices in their head which direct them. I had in depth relationships and conversations with these people diagnosed as being bipolar ,a s my daughter had given me the same Diagnosis ( she has no professional skills in that arena) . But me being me , I wanted to know . I can assure you that I am not bipolar .
Towards the end of my journey , an extremely affable young male came in . We were playing scrabble and afterwards I asked him ” what he was in for ?” He had numerous cuts on his body , most noticeable on his arms and I joked “Fight with a Tiger?” to which he responded ” I cut myself and hurt myself because I am inclined to hurt the people that I love and I would rather hurt myself” What do you say to that , really? All I stated was ” I give you much credit for realizing that you have an anger issue ( he had admitted this ) and that he was addressing it rather than putting those he loved in danger” I wonder how he made out ..
me ..not committed for life ..not even close ..walked out with the same dx that I walked in with ..severe anxiety ..PTSD 😦
Squandered Gifts 