The first man in my life , I suppose would be my dad, although my maternal grandfather was my greatest influence and I loved him more than anything . He passed away in 1985 and it is still challenging for me to even speak about him, without breaking down .
I was born , and lived in a home with my grandparents , and various aunts, uncles , great granddad until I was five years old , when my parents moved to CT as my dad had a job designing submarines for the US NAVY ( He was an engineer with Masters degrees in physics and chemistry ..he later worked on the ground floor with IBM designing computers) Another thing that I should have listened to dad about in the 1980’s was that computer’s would be the future and I should learn how to use them. He told me that the first computer that he saw was “as large as a room” .
If you are on a naval submarine , or computer, you may have my dad to thank . He was a very brilliant man , who was his parent’s favored child however his dad , a USMC Marine in WWI did beat him with a cat o nine tails ( rather a medieval instrument) . We try to improve with future generations , generally . I was highly abused throughout my life but I believe that children are pretty scared ..
Anyhoo…just as I was attempting to repair and forge a relationship with may dad he was diagnosed with terminal stomach cancer and passed within 5 months of his initial surgery . When he first told me that he had had an MRI and “there was a lump” I just knew that when he walked into that hospital on January 18, 1995 that that he would never eat again. Although I had three young children and a full time management job I still went to that hospital almost every day to see my father . The same man, who would later confess to me that he felt guilt as he felt he had ruined my life, and my possibilities ..from abuse … the day I let my daughter give him a bite of a toasted almond bar ( at that point I knew it was likely he would never eat again). I was later accused of attempting to kill my father ( no kidding) on that .
The deathbed talk ..I have had a few heartbreaking deathbed conversations ..
My grandfather Fred, I cannot even state how much I loved this man . I was with him as a small child, the day that he started ,to or went blind ( I was perhaps 4 at the time ) I do not recall exactly , but that is when I became a caretaker . I took care of my grandfather because he would come to be the person whom I loved most in his world , until Lily. When he was diagnosed with pneumonia in January 1985 I immediately took my mom to the Hospital to visit ( my grandmother never saw him and this was tragic as they were so happily married for over 50 years ) . Grandma had a cold and did not wish to worry my grandfather as he had pneumonia , she could not visit him. My grandfather , I thanked God that my grandfather was blind as the conversation, that we had ( I had no idea this was the last time I would see him) was me , essentially drenching his hospital bed with my tears when I cried over what he said to me ..and what he stated I meant in his life … I pretty much lost it ..what I did ..EVER ..was for love . Both of my parents , come from NYC Society families . As a young child, I recall going to the home of the wife of the CEO of Mallory Batteries (Duracell) , with my elder sister ..and the maid serving us sandwiches in the parlor ..
My great great granddad practically downed my grandmother for wedding my grandfather . They were quite wealthy and influential ..( think Lauren Bacall , Rockefellor’s ..Stork Club , NY Metropolitan Opera House ..yes I could go on and on and on ) . That is the world I was raised in , although this almost 58 year old has never colored her hair ( thanks Grandpa Fred) or had a professional mani / pedi ??? Now I realize how difficult life was for my grandfather , who appeared to be quite content listening to the Paul Harvey Show , with a cup of tea , as my grandmother and I went off on adventures ( Okay Mary ..grandma lied ..she never had me pay for a damn item that she bought me ) ..
This makes me feel badly . My grandfather was diabetic and told me , by my, teens to never Drink, eat white sugar , eat white bread or add salt to anything . I adhere to most of these rules ..Life has battered me more than a bit …
Breeding Always Shows , as some one told me once and I was bred well . Not a snob, I would give you the shirt off my back right now , if you needed it , or just said that you did .
I married men who were “less than…but made ME feel less than” I was called uneducated , white trash ..so many times. I attended a rather prestigious girls HS in the area . I was nominated the quietest person in my class, which mortified me . I won. In my sophomore year a teacher sat and spoke to me , and told me that I was easily the most intelligent person in that class and that I could with bit of application. I finished with a 3.6GPA when 4 was the norm without ever applying myself .
In College I would have 4.0 despite children and FT “bread winner ” jobs ..One Professor , from CHICAGO dubbed me the most intelligent student he had ever had ..sorry to disappoint. I gave up all because my children were Number 1 …I don’t where I register on their meter ( but for my youngest ..adore you ) ..not on the Richter scale???
To state that I was confused / extremely disappointed with my Godfather/Uncle when okay I heard that he told my husband that he was a Saint for being with me ..I just felt like seriously WTF Uncle Fred( one of my sons made a huge production of this ) and I now realize that he is most like his dad (??WTF some history should not repeat itself)
Be Kind Be Fair ( I hope that I was fair..I tried to be ) and Love Others…and Give ..Do Not Forget to Give to those less fortunate ..always